Future fears

I kinda feel pathetic. Needing to have so many people to comfort me and reassure me.
I guess this is what happens I can't control or foresee the odds that may come my way.

But one thing is clear though.
I will be in a foreign country soon, only thing is which one.
My heart grips so tightly with fear and
the moment I think about it,
my chest,hands and feet become so paralyzed with fear,
I can't sleep.  
The only thing I can do now
is research and more research.
So many decisions to make
and all of them must be done now.

Breathe.
One at the time.
One at a time.
Its ok.
I can do this.

Just sleep away

Heavy weights bring me down

I don't struggle

I don't fight for life

Water drowns out everything

Its a whole new world

Free from sad memories

I just watch

as the light slowly get fainter and fainter

Despite all this

I still find my hands stretched out

why?

All this loud vast empty silence

within my heart

reflect

these dark waters

that suffocate me

to the end

Breathless

Keep quiet

Don't speak

Don't shout

Don't Scream

Don't Scold

Listen

Please

Listen to me

I read this book that was so sad, it nearly broke my heart. 

A mother grabbing her daughter hard, telling her, 

"Never have kids, cause they will only break your heart". 

It makes me wonder, its that what having children suppose to be all about?

Giving each other misery? Breaking each other's heart? 

I am out of breath

drowning further and further

down

I am tired of fighting

I am tired of trying

I am sick and tired

of pretending 

of lying

of all this pain and misery

Most of all

I am sick of myself