Saturday, February 22, 2014

My secret language

The battle is not over. But in my heart, its done.

I couldn't bring myself to face it.

I love art all my life 
ever since young

But its so hard. 

So I practiced hard. Starting from young. 

I don't know about talents. I only know a journey full of hardships.

From food shapes to drawings and paintings, my mum started my passion for art.

In primary school, I thought I was rather creative. 

I loved playing with colours even though I don't really understand how to use them. 

Feelings shaped through pencils lines

Words expressed through the shading on paper

My unique form of expression. An art form that belonged solely to me.

My own secret language. 

All the best drawings were displayed on the classroom windows
Staring at it enviously, I wanted mine to be there
If it could, I would be so happy
I tried hard. 
Putting my emotions into tiny curls of markers
over and over again
Alas, my marker art went up the window
I was so proud
Unable to conceal, I wanted to share with someone

Only when I look around
I understand 
It was an achievement
but with no one to share
it was such a lonely achievement

Just like my drawing up there
A lone house on top of a hill
I waited on top of the hill for someone to come along
It was lonely up there
and it showed in my art

All the bright colours I used
hoping someone would like
hoping someone would come along
hoping someone would appreciate it
I was waiting...

I don't know what being talented mean. 

All my life was plain hard work. If others output 100%, I had to output 200%.

I keep trying my best every single time. Every single day.

Yet, its tiring to keep up this pace and stamina all the time...

I had to keep pushing myself. 

But I end up running. All the time. 

When its too hard. When I can't take it anymore.

Everytime I just want to give up, something pulls me up again.

Hope...

Like a little fool. I kept hoping.

Art is all about the talented plus a lot of hard work.

But the most important thing, is like someone realises about your art..

A rock would stay a rock forever until someone realise its a diamond...

Someone who could see it. 

Someone who can understand your secret language. 

Just like love. Someone who could feel it.


But I can't draw now
I lost my secret language somewhere
this world is so mixed up
I lost it somewhere
eyes staring at me 
demanding,scolding,crying
I am lost. My art is lost.
I lost an important part of me
and I am trying to find it back...


Friday, February 21, 2014

That feeling

It was a dream...so familiar and so unreal...

Floating through a tunnel, all curled up. But I could breathe underwater, I couldn't open my eyes but I can see my surroundings. Dancing lights illuminate the dark tunnel. Droplets pass between the water bodies side by side as I slowly float down...

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Being Fearless

To disappear 
into nothing

To only act on my own will
without caring for others

To follow my heart
and steadfast to my path

To fade away
to not worry

To love
without fear

To trust 
without doubt

To accept
all of my imperfection

To runaway
where no one can find me

Let everything go
to be ME.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Thank you.

wanna hear something funny?

Others are all worry about their future. But me, I am just trying my best to make out of this school alive. Since Year 2, I had always been worried about the final lap. That I couldn't make it. Now, I am barely surviving.

I thought other times were bad enough. Surprisingly, this year is worst. From starting out, expecting quality work and timely submission to just trying to get through this alive. Its so hard.

But for the first time in my life, I am not alone. My mom and my cousins helped me with my work. Even our classmates and lecturers helped us. I am so touched. Honestly speaking, I am not close to any single one of them. Yet, through this hard times, I felt so warmed. Even my friends offered to help after their graduation.

I think thats the only reason, why I am not falling back into depression and going crazy already. I finally realised how lucky and fortunate I was. I felt so blessed.
Words can't express what I feel, I feel so loved and that people around are trying their hardest to save me, to make my journey easier. Thank you. Every thought, every small gesture and every kind act never fail to make me so happy. Even if it doesn't show on my face.

Thank you. It was something that could decide a person's life and death. :)