A Lone Island

I hate how easily you stirred up my emotions
I hate how easily you can reduced me to nothing with just words alone
I hate how easily I died a little inside each time

I hate how easily I fall and crumpled
I hate how all my achievement and effort gets reduced to ashes
I hate how easily I doubt myself and lose confidence
I hate how much I hate myself

The part of me that hates you
In the end, nothing change

But this time I got wings that will take away
to a place without you
away from your poisonous words
disapproval and disappointment

A place where the only important person is me and me alone.

Human nature

I find humans disgusting, even myself

Human nature at the worst of times, 

are even worse than beast. 

Things like monsters, ghost, zombies, and vampires

aren't scary or bad at all

Nothing is scarier than

monster wearing human skin 

We created that monster ourselves

We all have that little ugly evil creature inside of us

We are the ones feeding it, nurturing it 

hiding it behind our smiling faces

We lie, we hurt, we stab each other in the back

sometimes, I can't even recognise myself

Humans can get so desperate

so pitiful that its ugly

sometimes I even wonder 

why do humans exist

Yet, we all have that innocence inside

something we need to accomplish

someone we treasure

something we can't let go off

that thing we are willing to die for

die of

Humans at best, can accomplish great things

things beyond imaginable

Humans at worst, no words can describe the horrors

just beyond help

Spare Tire

I think the worst way to treat a person

is to use them only when you need them

then leave them alone when you don't need them

No one likes being treat like a spare tire

I don't like to be alone sometimes

but I sure don't want to be treat that way either

I am still trying to learn about the line

how to distinguish you

Just treat them politely and leave it at there

I am learning now

how to do things alone

and be alone again. 

Its lonely. A bit sad.

But its better than being used.

Sick of social relationships

they are so hard to deal with

Worries

The sky is blue but the sun isn't coming out.

There is a musky smell in this room.

And a deep hole in my chest.

My brain is working away furiously

trying to come up with solutions

My brain hurts from just trying to think

My heart aches

I don't want to think or do anything

I just want to lie down

scream

run away from reality.

People crowd

Room trapped

Worries run

Silence scream

Buried Secrets

I always had this tiny flame burning in me
A flame I had always hidden and try to forget
A lot of times, I always regret not fanning my flame
A lot of times, I tried to kill it and buried it deep down

But I guess hopes and dreams never dies
it takes root in your heart
fill every breathing moment
and lie await in your mind

I guess maybe I was scared
scared of the thorny and dark path ahead
I guess I wasn't confident enough
I made excuses and didn't fight for what I want

Both me were and are still struck
The me whom you entrust your dreams upon
The me whom want to chase after my dreams
The me whom just want to be free. Be Me.

I am not here. Not there.
I don't even know if what I am doing is right anymore.
I didn't want to make you cry.
But now, I am the one crying

Tears of regret
Tears of sadness
Tears of helpless
Tears that kept collecting in my heart

I try to hide my flame away
I try to buried it deep but it kept aching
I try to kill it but I would only be killing myself
I try to throw it away

Trying to block my sight from it
Trying to repress it
Trying to runaway
Trying to hide it

But who was I trying to kid?
My flame would always be there
though small but burning and alive
I could never make it go away

How could I?
It was and still is a part of me
A candle of warmth for a tired and lonely traveller
A warm dream for the lost and hopeless

I would always treasure it
this flame, I don't want it to die
I want to make it burn so bright
that it will imprint on everyone's eyes

So that they wouldn't forget
So that I would't forget
Being able to dream is a wonderful thing
Not being able to fulfil it
is like trying to deny yourself

Right now, I still don't have the ability to
But I hope, to the me, in the future
Don't be afraid to take risk. Believe. Try.
Dream wide. Aim far. Fly with all you got.

This flame in you.
I will keep it for you for now
Its a deep wound of regret that constantly aches
So I hope you heal it soon.

You were never weak at all.
You were just scared and afraid.
You found it so hard to believe.
I hope you would find it.
In the future.

Don't forget, ok? :)
This little tiny beautiful flame
the tiny yet brightest light in the darkness
It will always be there waiting for you.

Security

I should be feeling happy.
This what I mean by a roller coaster ride of emotions
I am very insecure :(
I hate that

I want to learn to be more assertive
I want to learn to be more independent
I need to be stronger

Sometimes, I don't know what I am doing right
I don't know if I am too reliant on people as well
Am I annoying?

Do I do weird things?
Am I too obvious?
I don't even know

Urg....Hate having to deal with relationship
The feeling of wanting to runaway and be a hermit
is sometimes so tempting

Villain

How do you explain this feeling?

Where something good become bad

Where like become dislike

How did it end up this way?

I wanted to be nice.

But end up I became the villain.

This happened before

3 years ago

Is this a test?

To see what decision I make?

A chance to make it better?

Its taking the same route again

Except faster

Sometimes I get so confused

Am I mean 

I wanted to be kind

How did it turn out like this? 

 

Having a crush

Ok, I need to let it out.

I have a crush.

But I feel weird.
I don't know if I actually like him or not.
You have to admit, that you like someone first,
based on their looks.
It feels weird because no one thinks he is handsome
except for me.
All of them prefer this other guy.
Wonder if I am weird.

At first I really like him,
there was this fluttering feeling
after a while, it was just this mild fluttering
does it mean I am weird?
does it mean I don't like him anymore?

I still find it so hard to talk to him
I think I still like him. URG. I DON'T KNOW
Stupid guy! Make me think of you like this ><
Stupid guy! Make me worry like this!
OMG...I want to kill myself.
I just......................................
urg.....where is the hole to bury myself? /_\

How long do you have to know someone before dating them
I want to know him more actually
But he is so popular
he might not even like or notice me
sigh..... I feel like an idiot
What am I even writing on this blog

If only I could stop it
I don't know if I only like him out of loneliness
or cause I want to date someone
I don't think those are the right reasons to date a person
only make yourself look despo

He is funny. Playful. Have a beautiful smile and eyes.
I like him. sigh...no one can really be an lonely island,can they?
oh wells. what to do? Like as if you can choose who to like.
Hopefully I can talk to him more

Anyone can dream

I know that real life and manga are different

love isn't perfect or exciting like manga

where the main guy and main girl like each other

in fact, it might just be a one-sided crush

But I still wonder how does it feel like?

To bask in the love the person shower you with

To be looked upon like you are all 

that the person is ever going to need

How does it feel like so loved and so needed 

by another person whom you love?

Feelings so strong that you don't want to part with them

you are willing to bet the rest of your life with them

I wonder how it feels like

to be so safe and secure within another person's embrace

waking up next to your loved one

Having everything in set of twos

Having someone care about you when you are sick

Just simply having someone by your side

Whispers of sweet nothings and promises of futures

Sharing and support of dreams and endless laughter

I think even though people want to be strong and be independent

sometimes, its just good to go back home

and have someone welcome you back

Someone who knows when you're missing or feeling sad

Someone who cares

Someone who wants you in their life

to be part of their world

build their dreams and inspiration with them 

Then what happened?

Life isn't happily ever after...

when the honeymoon phrase is over

does the image break as well?

Can love really hold out through it all?

the sweet and tender moments of love 

are really so precious and pure

that it makes you want to cry

The couples I admired the most

aren't couples that look picture perfect

but old couples still holding hands

slowly supporting each other

even though both of them are weak

I wonder what do people remember most about their love?

Was it the wedding? How they first met? Their first kiss?

How they patched up after their first big fight? 

Most of all, what maintained their love?

I always needed you

Mama, Dd,

Please lend me your power.
To fight this illness so that I can score on my test.
I don't want this illness to be the reason for the results of my test.
I want it to be based on my own ability.

Mum, if only you were here,
you did know what to do.
No matter what it just felt reassuring to have someone there.
I never realise the comfort and security that your presence bring.

I miss you all so much.
But I don't want you to worry.
Who knew all the time, when i wanted to get out of the house,
now that i am out,
I just want to run back to your arms.