Sudden Thought

I keep telling my friends to let go and all although I know these "pretty and logical"advices are just dumb. 

Quotes and pretty words doesn't stop one from feeling scared

They make sense but its still hard to apply it on actual situation. 

Like "Don't Worry, be happy", Duh! Everybody knows that but it doesn't stop people from worrying or feel anxious. I also don't want to feel anxious but fear always have a way of creeping and believing may sound ridiculously simple yet it can be so hard. 

Isn't that ironic? Everyone is fighting so hard for happiness, not knowing which road to take, stumbling right and left. Everyone is trying so hard, for a better future. Sometimes, along the way, we even lose ourselves. Mistaking possessions as happiness, like money, car, house. We forget. "The best things in the world are what money can't buy". We fight so hard for it, just to realise in the end that that is the reason why we lose it in the first place.

Happiness is like a butterfly, you chase after it so hard but can never catch it. Until you get tired and it hovers in front of your face yet not close enough for you to catch. Then the whole cycle begins again. I feel life and wishes are that.

Its hard but I give thanks everyday. For everything. :) For my parents who are still healthy and that my grandparents are still alive. Lovely cousins and awesome IRRITATING friends. :) Random things like rain, beauty in the things I see, be it pencils or plants. Being alive is just too wonderful words. 

Doesn't mean that heavy thoughts don't weigh me down. Doesn't mean I don't get depressed or thought that life was miserable. It does. A lot of time. Doesn't mean I am alone. Even if it feels like it, at least I can deal with it, knowing that the storm will pass. It hurts so bad a lot times though. 

This is the truth. I am scared of the future. I keep running away. I don't even have the courage in me to go find out universities. =_=....that is how pathetic I am. I am giving myself a deadline though. I am kinda hoping I can go overseas uni. Its going to be scary, I don't know if I will get bullied or get racist treatment but I still want to go. Because I want to know what it feels like to fly. I never once stop dreaming of flying. Flying higher than anyone, soaring above the clouds. I can never stop that addiction. The adrenaline rush, the beat of your heart and the risk you are facing, the feeling is too amazing to describe. 

That is true Freedom. A freedom I would never stop dreaming of. 

I almost do

Secrets piled up
like all those butterflies in a jar
threatening to die of suffocation

Lies built up here and there
to protect one's heart
yet add on guilt

Memories get beautify
yet faded with time
like a Polaroid picture

Truth willing its way out
yet like fire it will spread
on those vicious tongue

Eyes open
yet denying the truth
that it seen

Every breath taken
get heavy and heavier
unable to withstand
the weight of lies and secrets

Its Ok

Sometimes you have to lying to yourself
saying that its ok
in hopes that the pain would go away
that your heart would stop hurting

All these sad gentle lies
slowly pile up in your heart
tears slip down your face
in the face of the harsh reality

But what other choice you have
then to believe it
and hold on to it
Smile and pretend its alright

It only serves to show
how much more desperate you are
trying to believe that it would get better
believing that the pain would go away

all these gentle yet sad lies
to try to heal your broken heart
since they are all you have
from breaking down and going insane

Lovign "you"

When I love 

I have decided

I will love "You"

Whether you are male or female

Whether you are rich or poor

Whether you are good-looking or not

it doesn't matter

I will love "you"

thats more than enough 

for me

I don't care what the world say

I don't give a damn about the society

none of them matters

I would rather be loved 

by the one person I loved

than to be loved by the whole world

I only want to follow my heart

only "you" matter 

the most important person to me

Desperate Love

This love is so desperate

its going to tear us apart

but still

we are unable to let go

of each other's hand

I am scared

to love you

afraid that this isn't real

that its only a dream

You love me so much

its driving you insane

the passion burning in your eyes

the unspoken words

How fragile you treat me

so unsure of yourself

that your passion

would drive me away

I am scared

but so drawn to you

that passion

I could never understand

You try to control yourself

even though 

you would rather chain me

and lock me up 

somewhere

No one can ever find

so that I would only look at you

so that I would only think of you

so that I would be all yours

But thinking of me

you don't 

While I am selfish

unable to give you 

what you truly need

yet

also unable to let go 

of your hand

how long will this flames 

continue burning

This love that is so desperate

that its so sad...

Losing you

The thought of you going so far away
hurts so bad
that I can't breathe

I know that its foolish
to say
I can't live in a world without you

Because I know
and you know that
no one dies of a broken heart

But the world becomes unbearable
daily chores becomes a chore
every new day loses colour

My heart wouldn't stop aching
My mind wouldn't stop thinking about you
My eyes well up

I would become something less than a doll
one with a broken heart
left with only an empty shell

Trapped within that frozen time
tied down with all those memories
unable to move on....

2 sides of the coin

Life is like a coin

there are always 2 side

to every story

Like yours

Like mine

I flip a coin

Good mother

I flip it again

 Bad mum

One Side

Hate

Other Side

Love 

I don't know 

what to do with it

I struggle very long

with this coin in my pocket

Most of the time,

it roll so far away beyond reach

Rarely,

it brings me joy

I don't want to part with it

I don't want to not want it

But,

as a coin

it brings a heavy burden

Suffocating me

Making it hard for breathing

If I continue to carry it

the bad outweigh the good

No matter which side I ponder,

 I have to leave something behind

What will become of that lone star?

It began with a longing

that morphed into a wish

A need

more than anything

A lone star in that dark night sky

that kept me going

Loneliness and sadness

dragged me down all the time

but that star

that sad lone star

To protect

To cherish

To keep it safe

To keep me safe

All broken and torn down

yet so precious

more treasured than anything 

in the world

A simple, sad yet a foolish wish

So pure and innocent

All the prayers

one by one

every single day

pile up 

all for that single wish..

My secret language

The battle is not over. But in my heart, its done.

I couldn't bring myself to face it.

I love art all my life 

ever since young

But its so hard. 

So I practiced hard. Starting from young. 

I don't know about talents. I only know a journey full of hardships.

From food shapes to drawings and paintings, my mum started my passion for art.

In primary school, I thought I was rather creative. 

I loved playing with colours even though I don't really understand how to use them. 

Feelings shaped through pencils lines

Words expressed through the shading on paper

My unique form of expression. An art form that belonged solely to me.

My own secret language. 

All the best drawings were displayed on the classroom windows

Staring at it enviously, I wanted mine to be there

If it could, I would be so happy

I tried hard. 

Putting my emotions into tiny curls of markers

over and over again

Alas, my marker art went up the window

I was so proud

Unable to conceal, I wanted to share with someone

Only when I look around

I understand 

It was an achievement

but with no one to share

it was such a lonely achievement

Just like my drawing up there

A lone house on top of a hill

I waited on top of the hill for someone to come along

It was lonely up there

and it showed in my art

All the bright colours I used

hoping someone would like

hoping someone would come along

hoping someone would appreciate it

I was waiting...

I don't know what being talented mean. 

All my life was plain hard work. If others output 100%, I had to output 200%.

I keep trying my best every single time. Every single day.

Yet, its tiring to keep up this pace and stamina all the time...

I had to keep pushing myself. 

But I end up running. All the time. 

When its too hard. When I can't take it anymore.

Everytime I just want to give up, something pulls me up again.

Hope...

Like a little fool. I kept hoping.

Art is all about the talented plus a lot of hard work.

But the most important thing, is like someone realises about your art..

A rock would stay a rock forever until someone realise its a diamond...

Someone who could see it. 

Someone who can understand your secret language. 

Just like love. Someone who could feel it.

But I can't draw now

I lost my secret language somewhere

this world is so mixed up

I lost it somewhere

eyes staring at me 

demanding,scolding,crying

I am lost. My art is lost.

I lost an important part of me

and I am trying to find it back...

That feeling

It was a dream...so familiar and so unreal...

Floating through a tunnel, all curled up. But I could breathe underwater, I couldn't open my eyes but I can see my surroundings. Dancing lights illuminate the dark tunnel. Droplets pass between the water bodies side by side as I slowly float down...