Future fears

I kinda feel pathetic. Needing to have so many people to comfort me and reassure me.
I guess this is what happens I can't control or foresee the odds that may come my way.

But one thing is clear though.
I will be in a foreign country soon, only thing is which one.
My heart grips so tightly with fear and
the moment I think about it,
my chest,hands and feet become so paralyzed with fear,
I can't sleep.  
The only thing I can do now
is research and more research.
So many decisions to make
and all of them must be done now.

Breathe.
One at the time.
One at a time.
Its ok.
I can do this.

Just sleep away

Heavy weights bring me down

I don't struggle

I don't fight for life

Water drowns out everything

Its a whole new world

Free from sad memories

I just watch

as the light slowly get fainter and fainter

Despite all this

I still find my hands stretched out

why?

All this loud vast empty silence

within my heart

reflect

these dark waters

that suffocate me

to the end

Breathless

Keep quiet

Don't speak

Don't shout

Don't Scream

Don't Scold

Listen

Please

Listen to me

I read this book that was so sad, it nearly broke my heart. 

A mother grabbing her daughter hard, telling her, 

"Never have kids, cause they will only break your heart". 

It makes me wonder, its that what having children suppose to be all about?

Giving each other misery? Breaking each other's heart? 

I am out of breath

drowning further and further

down

I am tired of fighting

I am tired of trying

I am sick and tired

of pretending 

of lying

of all this pain and misery

Most of all

I am sick of myself

A sad sad disappointment

Sometimes I don't want to talk
we just end up fighting
I still find it amazing
how we can turn a simple good morning
into a squabble
that leaves us both hurt
with bad taste in our mouth

Its not like you were
interested in listening anyway
Every thing is about you
how you are feeling
how disappointed you are
so on and so forth...

Things I say
you just ignore
because its not important
and the fact that
you are always right

Everything about me
is just wrong
Every thing I do
is just unbelievably bad
Basically
A very saddening disappointment

-__-

I am tired of facing you
and you are tired of dealing with me
Sometimes I think fate or destiny
like to play tricks on us 
though I still can't find out a reason why

Its not ok. But we will keep trying

Technology may have advanced a lot
I know I should be grateful
that I can at least instantly communicate
but it doesn't work that way

The distance still form a barrier between us
Nothing can compare
meeting face to face
speaking heart to heart

The barrier
keeps us in the past
Even if we chat
the communication is only at the surface

unable to progress a step further
yet unable to move away
from where we are either

A lot things that should have been said
were all left untold
because its too heartbreaking
to continue any further

Emoticons on the chat
faking what we feel
not knowing how to deal
with the aching longing

With the only thing
that comfort us
is the knowledge
that it wouldn't last forever

Time will fly by
and soon we would be able to
meet again

You will change
like how I will change
but I know
that some things would remain

The longing and thoughts
would still be there

Until then
I will keep trying
You will keep trying
We will both keep living

Wishing
Dreaming
Hoping
Waiting
For the day to come

Bye-Bye

Gone away

In a flash

All of the sudden

It hit me

tinge of sadness

took over

Even though 

its not forever

But every moment

right now

feels so long

Well-wishes

thoughts

I wonder 

if the wind 

will convey 

these messages

to you 

from me

Please be happy

As being under 

the same sky

is the only thought

that comforts me

somewhat

:)

Smile ok?

Sudden Thought

I keep telling my friends to let go and all although I know these "pretty and logical"advices are just dumb. 

Quotes and pretty words doesn't stop one from feeling scared

They make sense but its still hard to apply it on actual situation. 

Like "Don't Worry, be happy", Duh! Everybody knows that but it doesn't stop people from worrying or feel anxious. I also don't want to feel anxious but fear always have a way of creeping and believing may sound ridiculously simple yet it can be so hard. 

Isn't that ironic? Everyone is fighting so hard for happiness, not knowing which road to take, stumbling right and left. Everyone is trying so hard, for a better future. Sometimes, along the way, we even lose ourselves. Mistaking possessions as happiness, like money, car, house. We forget. "The best things in the world are what money can't buy". We fight so hard for it, just to realise in the end that that is the reason why we lose it in the first place.

Happiness is like a butterfly, you chase after it so hard but can never catch it. Until you get tired and it hovers in front of your face yet not close enough for you to catch. Then the whole cycle begins again. I feel life and wishes are that.

Its hard but I give thanks everyday. For everything. :) For my parents who are still healthy and that my grandparents are still alive. Lovely cousins and awesome IRRITATING friends. :) Random things like rain, beauty in the things I see, be it pencils or plants. Being alive is just too wonderful words. 

Doesn't mean that heavy thoughts don't weigh me down. Doesn't mean I don't get depressed or thought that life was miserable. It does. A lot of time. Doesn't mean I am alone. Even if it feels like it, at least I can deal with it, knowing that the storm will pass. It hurts so bad a lot times though. 

This is the truth. I am scared of the future. I keep running away. I don't even have the courage in me to go find out universities. =_=....that is how pathetic I am. I am giving myself a deadline though. I am kinda hoping I can go overseas uni. Its going to be scary, I don't know if I will get bullied or get racist treatment but I still want to go. Because I want to know what it feels like to fly. I never once stop dreaming of flying. Flying higher than anyone, soaring above the clouds. I can never stop that addiction. The adrenaline rush, the beat of your heart and the risk you are facing, the feeling is too amazing to describe. 

That is true Freedom. A freedom I would never stop dreaming of. 

I almost do

Secrets piled up
like all those butterflies in a jar
threatening to die of suffocation

Lies built up here and there
to protect one's heart
yet add on guilt

Memories get beautify
yet faded with time
like a Polaroid picture

Truth willing its way out
yet like fire it will spread
on those vicious tongue

Eyes open
yet denying the truth
that it seen

Every breath taken
get heavy and heavier
unable to withstand
the weight of lies and secrets

Its Ok

Sometimes you have to lying to yourself
saying that its ok
in hopes that the pain would go away
that your heart would stop hurting

All these sad gentle lies
slowly pile up in your heart
tears slip down your face
in the face of the harsh reality

But what other choice you have
then to believe it
and hold on to it
Smile and pretend its alright

It only serves to show
how much more desperate you are
trying to believe that it would get better
believing that the pain would go away

all these gentle yet sad lies
to try to heal your broken heart
since they are all you have
from breaking down and going insane

Lovign "you"

When I love 

I have decided

I will love "You"

Whether you are male or female

Whether you are rich or poor

Whether you are good-looking or not

it doesn't matter

I will love "you"

thats more than enough 

for me

I don't care what the world say

I don't give a damn about the society

none of them matters

I would rather be loved 

by the one person I loved

than to be loved by the whole world

I only want to follow my heart

only "you" matter 

the most important person to me