Fears

Okay. Here goes.

I have enough of everything. First is all the paperwork for all of my life.

It requires SO MUCH things. I am not joking. Just preparation alone took me a few months and guess what? Still not done, still not submitted.
As if that is not enough, there are a lot of other paper work to rub it in myself with the same deadline. =_= Best thing is, too many accounts, too many passwords to remember. And its not the simple "forgot your password?"-Send-email-to-reset-password-kind. Must be the go-all-the-way-down-to-the-place-to-reset-password-kind. Thank you for adding on to my misery. :)

Next thing is my parents. I have no idea why are they helping me do free advertisement about my tiresome paperwork. Its SUPER DUPER ANNOYING to answer all my relative's question- the same ones over and over and over and over and over again! >(( Like what the heck does it even have to do with you? I should have kept my damn mouth shut. Its stress enough to be dealing with all this paperwork alone with no one to help, I don't need any extra reminders, thank you.

I am drowning with uncertainty and doubt right now. I know its too late to be thinking this way especially after i fought a tooth and nail for it. What else can I say. I am scared. But I can't tell anyone because they heard this nonsense before and nothing anyone can say will ease the fears away. I keep hypnotising myself with all the reasons I convinced other people, but they sound so swallow and weak to my ears now. I can't stand my pathetic self right now. There is no one to rely on. I need to toughen up and be independent. Because even if I cry for help, no one even knows how to help me. If I fall now, all that I fight so hard for, will go to waste. I need to be strong now and not waver.

I keep feeling like I am running of time for everything. Its like there is so much things to do but not enough tine. When will I ever stop feeling like this. I am tired. There are so many times I want to take the easy way out, but I come so far, it will be so wasted. All the paperwork, time, stress, money and worry. I can do this. I just to keep believing in it.

A quilt of memories

Memories are like bits and pieces of fraying fabric
Sometimes you learn a lesson
Other times, a spark of a strong emotions
Some are lesson of your firsts
Others are things you regret
Times you share with others
Gifts that others give you
Some old before their time
like a faded Polaroid
other fresh as yesterday
Achievements so important then
so meaningless now
Somehow all this bits and pieces
mismatched and fraying
joined and sewn
seam to seam
forming and laying
a foundation
reminding you of what you were
and being who you are now

An old promise

Its a new year. This year is going to be different.
A lot of things are going to change.
So I am just jumping out of my comfort zone - Free fall
No Safety net.
The irony.
Never thought that one day, I would be going against everything I swear.
All those promises. That small girl with lonely eyes and sad face.
Somehow life and age seem to change perspective over time,
yet those strong feelings still remain.
I just hope she wouldn't end up crying again...

Never good enough

I am me. 

It should just be that.

No more, no less.

I decide my worth.

I know I will never be good enough for you

no matter how hard I try.

I know. 

But why is it, 

my head know this, 

my heart also know this, 

yet I still hope

Like a straight little fool

I still hope

Hope that you will wait

Hope that you will listen

Do you know,

a little part of me dies.

Every single time,

Every DAMN time

Harden frown

Vicious tongue

Stabbing words

Angry brows

Most of all,

Disappointment 

written all over your face

underlined in your words

I keep running

never stop running

running till I am out of breath

running from all the hurt and pain

running from your rage

running from your words

hiding from your disappointment

hiding from the hate

But I never do

I could never out run you

Never out run pain

Never out run hope

I dunno what to do now.

I dunno how to stop hoping.

I dunno how to stop hurting.

Hand in Hand, facing fears together

Lets keep walking.

You are alone there. I am alone here.
We are both scared. Unsure of the future.
You keep looking for things to be thankful everyday.
While I am trying to treasure whats left of my time here.

I am alone. I am scared. I just want to turn around and run.
Time and time again, I consider the easiest way out.
But you were always, lending me a hand.
Patiently. Waiting. Listening.
Suddenly the fear was not as loud as it seems anymore.

Suddenly, there were more of "I can do it",
rather than "I can't".
And I am not alone anymore.
Because you are there.

Waiting for me like always.
You are sad, missing home, regretting.
But you are strong.
I seen it. The courage hidden within it.

You will definitely make it.
You might smile in disbelieve.
But there are a lot of miracles
I seen happened with you.

When you feel like you can't, I am here.
I will be here. Like how you are always there for me.
I am sure both of us will make it out alive.

If not, I will call you up at 4am. :P
And you will have no choice but to pick up~

Just one more day

Just one more day

Indulge me for just one more day
Please, don't let this dream fade yet
Don't break this bubble of happiness
Lets just pretend for a while

Let my eyes slowly trace out your face
over every bump and detail
reliving it in my head
with all those short sweet memories

I know. You know too.
Those eyes reflect mine
but this dream will end tomorrow
and fade away

Anymore than this
will be too much
it will become a sin

A secret, it shall be
between you and me
So lets relish in the
seconds ticking away

Before the goodbyes......

Ghost

Hidden in the depths

Strikes at any sign vulnerability

Paralysed feet

unable to scream or shout

for help

Fear waiting to attack 

Too many things 

at a time

Time ticking away

Breathing difficulty

Anxiety seeping through every pore

As much as I try

to leave these two behind

The ghost of past, present and future

will never stop haunting me

Future fears

I kinda feel pathetic. Needing to have so many people to comfort me and reassure me.
I guess this is what happens I can't control or foresee the odds that may come my way.

But one thing is clear though.
I will be in a foreign country soon, only thing is which one.
My heart grips so tightly with fear and
the moment I think about it,
my chest,hands and feet become so paralyzed with fear,
I can't sleep.  
The only thing I can do now
is research and more research.
So many decisions to make
and all of them must be done now.

Breathe.
One at the time.
One at a time.
Its ok.
I can do this.

Just sleep away

Heavy weights bring me down

I don't struggle

I don't fight for life

Water drowns out everything

Its a whole new world

Free from sad memories

I just watch

as the light slowly get fainter and fainter

Despite all this

I still find my hands stretched out

why?

All this loud vast empty silence

within my heart

reflect

these dark waters

that suffocate me

to the end

Breathless

Keep quiet

Don't speak

Don't shout

Don't Scream

Don't Scold

Listen

Please

Listen to me

I read this book that was so sad, it nearly broke my heart. 

A mother grabbing her daughter hard, telling her, 

"Never have kids, cause they will only break your heart". 

It makes me wonder, its that what having children suppose to be all about?

Giving each other misery? Breaking each other's heart? 

I am out of breath

drowning further and further

down

I am tired of fighting

I am tired of trying

I am sick and tired

of pretending 

of lying

of all this pain and misery

Most of all

I am sick of myself