Fear

If I be honest with you.

I don't know what to do right now.
I am afraid.
Afraid of not knowing or afraid of the possibilities.
Between these 2 choices, I can only pick one.

Not worrying - scaring myself
Possibilities - also scaring myself

Lastly, being afraid of what is to come.

Life is like that. You can try to plan it out.

The days after.
Months after.
Even years after.

But the possibility of it staying that way?

The further it is, the more highly unlikely it will be.

Change is the only constant thing in people's life.

People say "What will be will be" but sometimes, there is also the human will involved.

Sometimes you make things be that way, only because you choose to ignore the elephant in the room.

Dead person pretending to be alive

This is a story of someone who died today.

Air stopped coming in. The person's chest was too tight.
But somehow, this person could still move and function like a normal person.
Limbs moving out of habit. Eyeballs swiveling within the sockets.
The external world was moving around this dead person.
Bright lights. Brick road. Bright moon.
Other human beings in sight. Carrying on their normal everyday routine.
No one noticed the difference.
Everyone else was functioning. Living.
Living? Living.
This person couldn't breathe.
There was this numbing pain in the chest.
Air couldn't come through.
Was a dead person's face different from an alive person?
No.
The dead person had no idea what to do.
Moving out of habit rather than thought.
Left, right. Look. Turn. Climb up. Go down. Left, right. See.
Somehow dead people can still feel pain?
The dead person was trying to live.
It was so painful.
One second. Another second. One more second.
Each millisecond that the dead person was functioning. It was an achievement.
Anything could happen in a millisecond.
A car accident. Food poisoning. Falling off a building. Dying.
Yup. Dying.
Dying can take a millisecond.
The dead person feels weird. This external shell was operating somehow.
But something wasn't right.
What was it like to be alive?
How does a person live?
Somehow living doesn't come with manual or guideline.
What was the reason to live again?
Was there such a thing?
Somehow this dead person can still differentiate the different types and brand of milk.
Acting alive is so easy.
Just need to move and do normal people behaviour.
Scan and pay for the milk. Then pack it and move out.
Nothing feels real though.
To that dead person, it was weird. So very weird.
Meeting other alive people. Doing alive human things. Acting alive.
There was that bright moon in the night sky again.
Eye catching.
Chest still tight though. Can't breathe.
The dead person wanted to be sealed in their own bubble of reality.
A bubble safe, hidden and protected from others.
This dead person wanted to just stay there. Looking at the moon.
Numb. Pain. Can't breathe.
Something creepier and scarier forced the dead person into motion though.
Fear.
The dead person couldn't struggle.
Whimpering and cowering in fear.
Fear drag the dead person towards pain, sadness and misery.
The dead person wanted to freeze at that spot.
The dead person was so so so scared.
The dead person wanted to live.
But it was easier to be dead than to be alive.
One step. Another step.
There was another bright light.
A scary bright light. Very very very bright light.
One step got spilt into tiny steps.
The dead person's heart was frozen.
Chest tight.
Throat blocked.
Limbs clammy.
Fear locking the dead person's arms and legs.
Freezing motion yet dragging the dead person forward.
If pretending to be alive was a feat.
Now walking towards that bright light was pushing the dead person beyond dead.
Living dead. A new category of dead.
Not plain dead. Half dead. Dying. But living dead.
Living. Dying. Every single second.
Feet scuffling now. Literally dragging towards and also further away from the light.
As the light get nearer and nearer.
The dead person was wondering,
"What was the purpose of being alive again?"

让我自私一点的说出心底话吧。。。

我知道电影和戏剧都不是真实，也一点都不现实。
可是我还是很羡慕那男女主角之间的轰轰烈烈的爱情。
能为一个人牺牲所有的一切，连自己的命也在所不惜。
不要求任何回报，只要求能一直都待在他的身边，
希望他能好好的活着。

真的有爱情会那么无私， 不要求任何回报吗？
有可能会有人愿意为一个跟他们不相关的人
牺牲所有的一切吗？

爱情到底是什么？
能让两个人愿意赌， 把他们的下半辈子交给彼此？
承诺无论如何都会永生永世，一起白头偕老。
两个人在一起是因为他们爱彼此吗？
还是因为怕会一个人孤独到老？

爱
让那么多人心碎，伤心流泪，
却又如此地渴望，无法自拔，
一而再再而三的化作飞蛾扑火。

到底什么才是爱呢？
轰轰烈烈的？
平平淡淡的？
不要求任何回报的？
牺牲和陪伴？

我的爱情故事又会是怎样了？

Unbound

That little girl was walking on hot baked sand
looking for what, she knows not
Blinding lights blocking her sight

All she knew was a love of a cactus
The cactus provided everything that she need
A shelter within its hollow depths
Water deep from its roots
Food from its body

However every time she got too close
the thorns pierced through her
like a curse binding her
countless scars, bloody tears and broken hearts
flowing endlessly and never healing

The girl was only fighting a losing battle
but she couldn't leave
Till one day, the wind blew her up
far far far far far away

Snowflakes dusted her skin
her legs unbound
bringing her everywhere and anywhere
she wanted to go

For the first time
she could breathe
she was free to be her
she could touch the sky
but not without a price

A Lone Island

I hate how easily you stirred up my emotions
I hate how easily you can reduced me to nothing with just words alone
I hate how easily I died a little inside each time

I hate how easily I fall and crumpled
I hate how all my achievement and effort gets reduced to ashes
I hate how easily I doubt myself and lose confidence
I hate how much I hate myself

The part of me that hates you
In the end, nothing change

But this time I got wings that will take away
to a place without you
away from your poisonous words
disapproval and disappointment

A place where the only important person is me and me alone.

Human nature

I find humans disgusting, even myself

Human nature at the worst of times, 

are even worse than beast. 

Things like monsters, ghost, zombies, and vampires

aren't scary or bad at all

Nothing is scarier than

monster wearing human skin 

We created that monster ourselves

We all have that little ugly evil creature inside of us

We are the ones feeding it, nurturing it 

hiding it behind our smiling faces

We lie, we hurt, we stab each other in the back

sometimes, I can't even recognise myself

Humans can get so desperate

so pitiful that its ugly

sometimes I even wonder 

why do humans exist

Yet, we all have that innocence inside

something we need to accomplish

someone we treasure

something we can't let go off

that thing we are willing to die for

die of

Humans at best, can accomplish great things

things beyond imaginable

Humans at worst, no words can describe the horrors

just beyond help

Spare Tire

I think the worst way to treat a person

is to use them only when you need them

then leave them alone when you don't need them

No one likes being treat like a spare tire

I don't like to be alone sometimes

but I sure don't want to be treat that way either

I am still trying to learn about the line

how to distinguish you

Just treat them politely and leave it at there

I am learning now

how to do things alone

and be alone again. 

Its lonely. A bit sad.

But its better than being used.

Sick of social relationships

they are so hard to deal with

Worries

The sky is blue but the sun isn't coming out.

There is a musky smell in this room.

And a deep hole in my chest.

My brain is working away furiously

trying to come up with solutions

My brain hurts from just trying to think

My heart aches

I don't want to think or do anything

I just want to lie down

scream

run away from reality.

People crowd

Room trapped

Worries run

Silence scream

Buried Secrets

I always had this tiny flame burning in me
A flame I had always hidden and try to forget
A lot of times, I always regret not fanning my flame
A lot of times, I tried to kill it and buried it deep down

But I guess hopes and dreams never dies
it takes root in your heart
fill every breathing moment
and lie await in your mind

I guess maybe I was scared
scared of the thorny and dark path ahead
I guess I wasn't confident enough
I made excuses and didn't fight for what I want

Both me were and are still struck
The me whom you entrust your dreams upon
The me whom want to chase after my dreams
The me whom just want to be free. Be Me.

I am not here. Not there.
I don't even know if what I am doing is right anymore.
I didn't want to make you cry.
But now, I am the one crying

Tears of regret
Tears of sadness
Tears of helpless
Tears that kept collecting in my heart

I try to hide my flame away
I try to buried it deep but it kept aching
I try to kill it but I would only be killing myself
I try to throw it away

Trying to block my sight from it
Trying to repress it
Trying to runaway
Trying to hide it

But who was I trying to kid?
My flame would always be there
though small but burning and alive
I could never make it go away

How could I?
It was and still is a part of me
A candle of warmth for a tired and lonely traveller
A warm dream for the lost and hopeless

I would always treasure it
this flame, I don't want it to die
I want to make it burn so bright
that it will imprint on everyone's eyes

So that they wouldn't forget
So that I would't forget
Being able to dream is a wonderful thing
Not being able to fulfil it
is like trying to deny yourself

Right now, I still don't have the ability to
But I hope, to the me, in the future
Don't be afraid to take risk. Believe. Try.
Dream wide. Aim far. Fly with all you got.

This flame in you.
I will keep it for you for now
Its a deep wound of regret that constantly aches
So I hope you heal it soon.

You were never weak at all.
You were just scared and afraid.
You found it so hard to believe.
I hope you would find it.
In the future.

Don't forget, ok? :)
This little tiny beautiful flame
the tiny yet brightest light in the darkness
It will always be there waiting for you.

Security

I should be feeling happy.
This what I mean by a roller coaster ride of emotions
I am very insecure :(
I hate that

I want to learn to be more assertive
I want to learn to be more independent
I need to be stronger

Sometimes, I don't know what I am doing right
I don't know if I am too reliant on people as well
Am I annoying?

Do I do weird things?
Am I too obvious?
I don't even know

Urg....Hate having to deal with relationship
The feeling of wanting to runaway and be a hermit
is sometimes so tempting