Life Changes

I am scared but I can't tell anyone.
Because they are going through the same thing as me
and they are trying their best.
But I am not doing anything.
I keep pushing it away.
I am scared to face it.
There is so many things that I have to do
but at the same time, I can't bring myself to face it.
I can't keep hiding from it.
I have to face it.

Starting tomorrow, I will do it.
Still, I often find myself paralysed with fear.
Why is life so hard?

舞蝶之梦

究竟生活是什么？
人是为什么而活？

生死离别，
爱与恨，
活着便会经历。


活的怎样才算圆满？
死了之后，
还有后来吗？

几是年的人生
为何回忆时，
一眨眼便过了？

人来人去
最后剩下的
只是自己与回忆

究竟这是梦呢？
还是真的？
是不是要走完这人生才晓得。。。

Just trying to live

Everyone have a shell.
Everyone have a story.
This is not about being strong.
Or is it about being weak.

This is a story about being human.
We all got scars and secret that we don't want people to know.
The darkest side. The ugliest side.
Everyone is just trying to live.
To find a way out.

Grasping on that tiny sliver of hope
Living from day to day
Trying to find that reason
Just one reason
to stay alive


Fragile - Handle with Care

Made of glass
shattered into pieces
glued together
and broken again

Full of broken glass
Bloody tears
Staining all the glass crimson red

Glass cutting in deep
Settling its roots
Digging into wounds

Unable to breathe
Falling apart
yet no one sees

Just another human
wearing glass armor
trying to survive everyday

Fear

If I be honest with you.

I don't know what to do right now.
I am afraid.
Afraid of not knowing or afraid of the possibilities.
Between these 2 choices, I can only pick one.

Not worrying - scaring myself
Possibilities - also scaring myself

Lastly, being afraid of what is to come.

Life is like that. You can try to plan it out.

The days after.
Months after.
Even years after.

But the possibility of it staying that way?

The further it is, the more highly unlikely it will be.

Change is the only constant thing in people's life.

People say "What will be will be" but sometimes, there is also the human will involved.

Sometimes you make things be that way, only because you choose to ignore the elephant in the room.

Dead person pretending to be alive

This is a story of someone who died today.

Air stopped coming in. The person's chest was too tight.
But somehow, this person could still move and function like a normal person.
Limbs moving out of habit. Eyeballs swiveling within the sockets.
The external world was moving around this dead person.
Bright lights. Brick road. Bright moon.
Other human beings in sight. Carrying on their normal everyday routine.
No one noticed the difference.
Everyone else was functioning. Living.
Living? Living.
This person couldn't breathe.
There was this numbing pain in the chest.
Air couldn't come through.
Was a dead person's face different from an alive person?
No.
The dead person had no idea what to do.
Moving out of habit rather than thought.
Left, right. Look. Turn. Climb up. Go down. Left, right. See.
Somehow dead people can still feel pain?
The dead person was trying to live.
It was so painful.
One second. Another second. One more second.
Each millisecond that the dead person was functioning. It was an achievement.
Anything could happen in a millisecond.
A car accident. Food poisoning. Falling off a building. Dying.
Yup. Dying.
Dying can take a millisecond.
The dead person feels weird. This external shell was operating somehow.
But something wasn't right.
What was it like to be alive?
How does a person live?
Somehow living doesn't come with manual or guideline.
What was the reason to live again?
Was there such a thing?
Somehow this dead person can still differentiate the different types and brand of milk.
Acting alive is so easy.
Just need to move and do normal people behaviour.
Scan and pay for the milk. Then pack it and move out.
Nothing feels real though.
To that dead person, it was weird. So very weird.
Meeting other alive people. Doing alive human things. Acting alive.
There was that bright moon in the night sky again.
Eye catching.
Chest still tight though. Can't breathe.
The dead person wanted to be sealed in their own bubble of reality.
A bubble safe, hidden and protected from others.
This dead person wanted to just stay there. Looking at the moon.
Numb. Pain. Can't breathe.
Something creepier and scarier forced the dead person into motion though.
Fear.
The dead person couldn't struggle.
Whimpering and cowering in fear.
Fear drag the dead person towards pain, sadness and misery.
The dead person wanted to freeze at that spot.
The dead person was so so so scared.
The dead person wanted to live.
But it was easier to be dead than to be alive.
One step. Another step.
There was another bright light.
A scary bright light. Very very very bright light.
One step got spilt into tiny steps.
The dead person's heart was frozen.
Chest tight.
Throat blocked.
Limbs clammy.
Fear locking the dead person's arms and legs.
Freezing motion yet dragging the dead person forward.
If pretending to be alive was a feat.
Now walking towards that bright light was pushing the dead person beyond dead.
Living dead. A new category of dead.
Not plain dead. Half dead. Dying. But living dead.
Living. Dying. Every single second.
Feet scuffling now. Literally dragging towards and also further away from the light.
As the light get nearer and nearer.
The dead person was wondering,
"What was the purpose of being alive again?"

让我自私一点的说出心底话吧。。。

我知道电影和戏剧都不是真实，也一点都不现实。
可是我还是很羡慕那男女主角之间的轰轰烈烈的爱情。
能为一个人牺牲所有的一切，连自己的命也在所不惜。
不要求任何回报，只要求能一直都待在他的身边，
希望他能好好的活着。

真的有爱情会那么无私， 不要求任何回报吗？
有可能会有人愿意为一个跟他们不相关的人
牺牲所有的一切吗？

爱情到底是什么？
能让两个人愿意赌， 把他们的下半辈子交给彼此？
承诺无论如何都会永生永世，一起白头偕老。
两个人在一起是因为他们爱彼此吗？
还是因为怕会一个人孤独到老？

爱
让那么多人心碎，伤心流泪，
却又如此地渴望，无法自拔，
一而再再而三的化作飞蛾扑火。

到底什么才是爱呢？
轰轰烈烈的？
平平淡淡的？
不要求任何回报的？
牺牲和陪伴？

我的爱情故事又会是怎样了？

Unbound

That little girl was walking on hot baked sand
looking for what, she knows not
Blinding lights blocking her sight

All she knew was a love of a cactus
The cactus provided everything that she need
A shelter within its hollow depths
Water deep from its roots
Food from its body

However every time she got too close
the thorns pierced through her
like a curse binding her
countless scars, bloody tears and broken hearts
flowing endlessly and never healing

The girl was only fighting a losing battle
but she couldn't leave
Till one day, the wind blew her up
far far far far far away

Snowflakes dusted her skin
her legs unbound
bringing her everywhere and anywhere
she wanted to go

For the first time
she could breathe
she was free to be her
she could touch the sky
but not without a price

A Lone Island

I hate how easily you stirred up my emotions
I hate how easily you can reduced me to nothing with just words alone
I hate how easily I died a little inside each time

I hate how easily I fall and crumpled
I hate how all my achievement and effort gets reduced to ashes
I hate how easily I doubt myself and lose confidence
I hate how much I hate myself

The part of me that hates you
In the end, nothing change

But this time I got wings that will take away
to a place without you
away from your poisonous words
disapproval and disappointment

A place where the only important person is me and me alone.

Human nature

I find humans disgusting, even myself

Human nature at the worst of times, 

are even worse than beast. 

Things like monsters, ghost, zombies, and vampires

aren't scary or bad at all

Nothing is scarier than

monster wearing human skin 

We created that monster ourselves

We all have that little ugly evil creature inside of us

We are the ones feeding it, nurturing it 

hiding it behind our smiling faces

We lie, we hurt, we stab each other in the back

sometimes, I can't even recognise myself

Humans can get so desperate

so pitiful that its ugly

sometimes I even wonder 

why do humans exist

Yet, we all have that innocence inside

something we need to accomplish

someone we treasure

something we can't let go off

that thing we are willing to die for

die of

Humans at best, can accomplish great things

things beyond imaginable

Humans at worst, no words can describe the horrors

just beyond help

Spare Tire

I think the worst way to treat a person

is to use them only when you need them

then leave them alone when you don't need them

No one likes being treat like a spare tire

I don't like to be alone sometimes

but I sure don't want to be treat that way either

I am still trying to learn about the line

how to distinguish you

Just treat them politely and leave it at there

I am learning now

how to do things alone

and be alone again. 

Its lonely. A bit sad.

But its better than being used.

Sick of social relationships

they are so hard to deal with

Worries

The sky is blue but the sun isn't coming out.

There is a musky smell in this room.

And a deep hole in my chest.

My brain is working away furiously

trying to come up with solutions

My brain hurts from just trying to think

My heart aches

I don't want to think or do anything

I just want to lie down

scream

run away from reality.

People crowd

Room trapped

Worries run

Silence scream

Buried Secrets

I always had this tiny flame burning in me
A flame I had always hidden and try to forget
A lot of times, I always regret not fanning my flame
A lot of times, I tried to kill it and buried it deep down

But I guess hopes and dreams never dies
it takes root in your heart
fill every breathing moment
and lie await in your mind

I guess maybe I was scared
scared of the thorny and dark path ahead
I guess I wasn't confident enough
I made excuses and didn't fight for what I want

Both me were and are still struck
The me whom you entrust your dreams upon
The me whom want to chase after my dreams
The me whom just want to be free. Be Me.

I am not here. Not there.
I don't even know if what I am doing is right anymore.
I didn't want to make you cry.
But now, I am the one crying

Tears of regret
Tears of sadness
Tears of helpless
Tears that kept collecting in my heart

I try to hide my flame away
I try to buried it deep but it kept aching
I try to kill it but I would only be killing myself
I try to throw it away

Trying to block my sight from it
Trying to repress it
Trying to runaway
Trying to hide it

But who was I trying to kid?
My flame would always be there
though small but burning and alive
I could never make it go away

How could I?
It was and still is a part of me
A candle of warmth for a tired and lonely traveller
A warm dream for the lost and hopeless

I would always treasure it
this flame, I don't want it to die
I want to make it burn so bright
that it will imprint on everyone's eyes

So that they wouldn't forget
So that I would't forget
Being able to dream is a wonderful thing
Not being able to fulfil it
is like trying to deny yourself

Right now, I still don't have the ability to
But I hope, to the me, in the future
Don't be afraid to take risk. Believe. Try.
Dream wide. Aim far. Fly with all you got.

This flame in you.
I will keep it for you for now
Its a deep wound of regret that constantly aches
So I hope you heal it soon.

You were never weak at all.
You were just scared and afraid.
You found it so hard to believe.
I hope you would find it.
In the future.

Don't forget, ok? :)
This little tiny beautiful flame
the tiny yet brightest light in the darkness
It will always be there waiting for you.

Security

I should be feeling happy.
This what I mean by a roller coaster ride of emotions
I am very insecure :(
I hate that

I want to learn to be more assertive
I want to learn to be more independent
I need to be stronger

Sometimes, I don't know what I am doing right
I don't know if I am too reliant on people as well
Am I annoying?

Do I do weird things?
Am I too obvious?
I don't even know

Urg....Hate having to deal with relationship
The feeling of wanting to runaway and be a hermit
is sometimes so tempting

Villain

How do you explain this feeling?

Where something good become bad

Where like become dislike

How did it end up this way?

I wanted to be nice.

But end up I became the villain.

This happened before

3 years ago

Is this a test?

To see what decision I make?

A chance to make it better?

Its taking the same route again

Except faster

Sometimes I get so confused

Am I mean 

I wanted to be kind

How did it turn out like this? 

 

Having a crush

Ok, I need to let it out.

I have a crush.

But I feel weird.
I don't know if I actually like him or not.
You have to admit, that you like someone first,
based on their looks.
It feels weird because no one thinks he is handsome
except for me.
All of them prefer this other guy.
Wonder if I am weird.

At first I really like him,
there was this fluttering feeling
after a while, it was just this mild fluttering
does it mean I am weird?
does it mean I don't like him anymore?

I still find it so hard to talk to him
I think I still like him. URG. I DON'T KNOW
Stupid guy! Make me think of you like this ><
Stupid guy! Make me worry like this!
OMG...I want to kill myself.
I just......................................
urg.....where is the hole to bury myself? /_\

How long do you have to know someone before dating them
I want to know him more actually
But he is so popular
he might not even like or notice me
sigh..... I feel like an idiot
What am I even writing on this blog

If only I could stop it
I don't know if I only like him out of loneliness
or cause I want to date someone
I don't think those are the right reasons to date a person
only make yourself look despo

He is funny. Playful. Have a beautiful smile and eyes.
I like him. sigh...no one can really be an lonely island,can they?
oh wells. what to do? Like as if you can choose who to like.
Hopefully I can talk to him more

Anyone can dream

I know that real life and manga are different

love isn't perfect or exciting like manga

where the main guy and main girl like each other

in fact, it might just be a one-sided crush

But I still wonder how does it feel like?

To bask in the love the person shower you with

To be looked upon like you are all 

that the person is ever going to need

How does it feel like so loved and so needed 

by another person whom you love?

Feelings so strong that you don't want to part with them

you are willing to bet the rest of your life with them

I wonder how it feels like

to be so safe and secure within another person's embrace

waking up next to your loved one

Having everything in set of twos

Having someone care about you when you are sick

Just simply having someone by your side

Whispers of sweet nothings and promises of futures

Sharing and support of dreams and endless laughter

I think even though people want to be strong and be independent

sometimes, its just good to go back home

and have someone welcome you back

Someone who knows when you're missing or feeling sad

Someone who cares

Someone who wants you in their life

to be part of their world

build their dreams and inspiration with them 

Then what happened?

Life isn't happily ever after...

when the honeymoon phrase is over

does the image break as well?

Can love really hold out through it all?

the sweet and tender moments of love 

are really so precious and pure

that it makes you want to cry

The couples I admired the most

aren't couples that look picture perfect

but old couples still holding hands

slowly supporting each other

even though both of them are weak

I wonder what do people remember most about their love?

Was it the wedding? How they first met? Their first kiss?

How they patched up after their first big fight? 

Most of all, what maintained their love?

I always needed you

Mama, Dd,

Please lend me your power.
To fight this illness so that I can score on my test.
I don't want this illness to be the reason for the results of my test.
I want it to be based on my own ability.

Mum, if only you were here,
you did know what to do.
No matter what it just felt reassuring to have someone there.
I never realise the comfort and security that your presence bring.

I miss you all so much.
But I don't want you to worry.
Who knew all the time, when i wanted to get out of the house,
now that i am out,
I just want to run back to your arms.
 

Goals

Since coming here, I decided to change.

I am not going to rush.
Been there. Done there.
Didn't help. I only got anxiety attacks.
Sleepless nights spent on worrying.
Depressed, wondering if I will make it through.

So I am going at my own pace.
I am not to rush. I am going to do whats best for me.
I am not going to listen to you anymore.
Study. Take a break. Stop worrying. Rest. :)

I also want to be a better person than I was yesterday.
My only demon is me.
Its still a bit hard to change my mindset. :P
Its so hard not to follow the crowd especially when you want to fit in.
But the price you have to pay in the end...Its not worth it for me.

Because I want to be happy.
Everyone deserve happiness.
Thing is, we have to fight for it.
I lost sight to it since I was so caught up in everyone's pace.
So I am trying to find it again now.

I will take less papers because I am still trying to get use to everything.
I will be scared but still swallow my fear, and open my mouth to make friends.
I will cry because I am scared.
I will worry because everything is still so new.
I will laugh because there are many reasons to be happy.
I will work hard because I want to achieve good grades.
I will play because I like to! :D
I will join events because I want to.
I will be happy because I deserve to.

I am not going to be like any one of the people in the crowd anymore.
You might think I am a loser. But I am over that now.
Look at yourself. Your bury heads down everyday, grumbling about life.
Frowning over your phone or work. Walking fast, not seeing anything around you.
 Forever unhappy. Forever unsatisfied. Why did I try so hard to be like you?
Sure, you are successful. You are rich. You are what everyone dreams to be. I used to as well.
But I am not happy. I want to be happy. I want to stop hating myself. I want to love myself.

I maybe weak but what to do? :) Thats me. The weak little me. Still, I keep trying everyday.
I will walk at my own pace now. Admire the flowers and trees. Look at the broad sky. :) I like it better like that. Bye bye. Old life. :)

Just keep breathing

If I can go crazy, I will go crazy for you to see.

Sigh.....

I wonder just how much a heart a takes. 

I want to be strong.

In fact, I know I need to be strong.

But where does the strength and courage 

I need come from?

Its hard to not feel alone when you actually are

It hard not to feel weak when you are alone

Its very hard not to feel scared when you are alone

Its harder to be stronger when you are just you

Its just so hard

I need to smile

Act

Pretend

as long as it was

Anything but myself

I have to keep trying

I can't fall

I really feel like going crazy

I don't want to feel scared, lost or lonely

All I want is just to be happy

Why does happiness seem so far away?

Being an "Adult"

I am finally here.

Miles away from home.

The scary thing is my brain knows this fact but my heart doesn't process it.
I think I am crazy when I make the decision to come here, I know that great things only come out through crazy decision. I know that its only hard in the beginning.

I KNOW.

It just easy to know yet hard to master those wise words.

It hard remembering thats it worth what I give up for when I stare at this empty quiet freezing room with nothing familiar in it. I had to grow up. I can't continue this "adulting" pharse. I need to be the adult.

An adult solve their own problem
because they are old enough to.
An adult does everything by herself
because they are old enough to.
An adult doesn't cry or throw tantrum
because they are old enough not to.
An adult socialise with other adult
because they are adults.

But because they are adults,
they forgotten what it is like to be a child.
The child in them lays dormant
because they need to grow up.
The child in them sometimes cry to sleep too.
The child in them sometimes feels lonely and wants a hug.
The child in them is calling for help.
But because they are adults,
they put on a brave front, hide their child in them
and face the world.
Not because they are old enough to.
Not because they are adults.
But because if they don't adult enough to face the world,
they are scared the world they work so hard for, will just fall apart.