Stop and Stare

I keep walking.
Where? I do not know.
I only know I got to walking.
Even if I can't see what is in front of me.
Even if I am scared or afraid.

I know I got to keep moving
But I am scared.
I can't see.
Everything is so dark

I know I got to keep moving
But I am afraid.
I feel like I keep getting lost
I don't know where to move forward to

I know I got to keep moving
But its like walking on a tight rope
One wrong move, and everything is gone
I keep suffocating, finding it so hard to breathe

I keep moving, even if I don't know where
I have to. I need to. I want to.
For my future. For myself. For the sake of what I want.
For those people who are there for me

I keep getting lost.
I know I will fall.
but I must not falter.
Expectations and wishes may be pressurising

Time can be so overwhelming
So many lessons that I still need to learn
So many obstacles to knock me down
But I still got to keep fighting on

For that one and only wish
that I keep holding onto
unable to let go
even now......

Eyes close....Breathe...

FB Photo

Okay. Things are getting rather good. So good suddenly.

All cause I posted a photo on Facebook....

I was so happy that many people "Like" it and commented "Good job" and "Keep up the good work" that kind of things. However Last night and today was really a shocker......

Last night was the 22th august when the once a year letter-reply finally came in a form of a Facebook message. +_+

I never received a facebook message for so long, thinking of someone else in mind and I clicked it. One click and "it blew my mind away"... I couldn't believe who it was. Quite shocking....

Lets just name her as hedgehog. (Btw, this is not an insult or anything. Just what I feel represent closest t o her personality) She kinda promise to reply my letter on teacher's day, I think 2 years ago....she promise to reply it in a year? Anyway, the thing was she did....:) At least this adult can keep her promise though I feel a bit sad?
 Because I don't want her to think of this things as a burden or a bound. Its okay if she didn't reply. But now that I think about, she thinks of little things as very important things (It doesn't mean its a bad thing) and as an observant person, she cares a lot for others. She promised to reply me a year later =_=...this is starting to get a bit......strange???

Anywhere, the next part was when she "Like" my photo...My brain was already hay wired but after seeing, I suspect my screw and wire just bounce out of my head, leaving an empty hole. I never tell her which course I study for the fear of stupid adults looking down at me, congrating me while in truth, they are looking at me with eyes of pity and sadness. It makes me want to scream at them and hurt them so bad. I HATE it. SHUT UP already, you idiots!

Iife is already hard enough but do you know that as adults, I don't care if you don't help because I know I got to carve out my path on my own. But stop it. Your words and your actions. Its..I just don't understand it...Badmouthing people, double face......I don't get it....

Thats why I kept my lips sealed when hedgehog kind of asked. I couldn't stand another one of those stupid glances and one of those halfhearted smiles... Hedgehog gave me that "sorry" look, it makes me want to throw something. anything.

Anyway, about the "like". I wonder, what does it mean? Is it from the bottom of her heart or was she already shaking her head at me like one of "Them"? Never mind...its over...till next year

Soaring on broken wings

  For that little child

You were crying so hard

crying so bad

wanting the love and comfort

that you once had

Even though you were just a child

who should be smiling 

and laughing happily 

like any other children

Life was harsh 

and Adults made it worse

Despite 

feeling lonely and sad,

you still try to soar on broken wings

hoping for a better tomorrow

Trying so hard to break those walls

to set your voice free

You fought through life

with just hope alone

life was so tough

even though 

you were just a child

If I could,

I want to pick you up

hugged you gently

stroke your hair

And whispered in your ear

"its alright now.you have me. 

its fine now."

To cry with you

Letting all the sorrows and misery out

  but don't worry

you will make it through

because  you have what others don't

You are you

the precious darling of God

and he would never forsake you

Every thing that happens

have a reason

Every obstacle exist 

to make you stronger

Never stop hoping

Never stop believing

because you always have it in you

Reminiscent

Okay, its not a rainy day.

 But this song "Reminiscent"- by Yiruma, just the first note and my heart seem to sting with it and it feels like crying.

 I never thought that a piano piece could express such a word so vivdly and so resounding that your soul can actually be in tune with it. The fast yet melancholic melody seems to sear open the locked doors of all the past memories that you left behind...

  I like the sound of his piano. It is so resounding and loud. It echos deep and touches the deep yet forgotten parts of your heart that you just want to leave behind. His music is like raindrops on a puddle of water. The first note captures your attention and the melody like ripples echoing through the surface of the water, touching your soul.

 
Anyway, I am just tired and procrastinating my work. :P

Paper pattern

I never knew that garments were made with paper pattern. I only thought of fabric.

Now I am here, with the whole table buried with tools and paper...=_=
Damn Xian....

27th, 28th and Today

Today is somehow the loneliest day.

   The irony.... I am with so many people. But somehow, my heart felt so funny. Something is missing.

Today was the Marcellie Competition. It was really good. However, I realised I was lacking people. People who had been there for me. My family. My friends. People who understand me and help me. It feels sad.

  Watching the model on runway, the feeling was gone. Maybe because the effect isn't as nice as sitting directly in front of them. Or maybe we saw it before.  But it just feels lacking. I was proud of my red dress. It was really nice till the model complained about the zip.....

The pink dress leaves much to be desired. But I really didn't know what to do with the peplum. Xian. Teacher also came along.

Tired....nights.

This girl sitting atop of a crescent moon looking down on earth, 

wondering if anyone notice her 

Dearly wanting to descend down to Earth,

but knowing that she don't belong there..

how sad..

Exhausted...

Haven't written for damn long. Still stressed up and tired from joining the competition. I finished my work from draping class but still got competition. Both skirt far from completion.

 Red dress- Skirt done but need to alter the length of the chiffon. Top part still need to attached both side and neck line plus zip

Pink Dress- Need to sew peplum and zip....

The competition is nxt wk Fri..and I have no sewing machine....=_+
Sigh.

To the people who had been there for me
when I feel like giving up
when I feel like its a lost cause
when I am feeling down
when I was so overwhelmed with stress

Thank you for all your cheers
Thank you for being there for me
Thank for bring light into my darkness
^^ I feel really blessed to have you guys

Broken Kaleidoscope

   I marvel at my ability to be able to pretend that everything is normal after how badly each trauma hit me.

   It was as it I am looking through someone else's world instead....I feel so numb.. like a soul was to escape a broken shell. But I can't cause I am trapped...

  I used to be able to look through a Kaleidoscope and see all the wonderful patterns and colours dazzling. It was so beautiful, touching a deep corner of my heart.

  But slowly....the colours start to fade. A glass filled with myriad of colours dull like how the time rusted and stop. Everything stop then. At that point of time, was when the full blown of reality hit me. Ugly cracks start appearing, growing wider and wider. Then "Pang""Ping", shattered glass rained all over me.

"Slicing off my wings,

 piercing through my heart, 

snarling into my leg, 

pinning my hands, 

cutting off my vision"

I can't see anymore. nor can I fly. Slowly healing...taking off the shards of glass struck in me. It hurts. The glass is so painful! Can you make it stop? Every step is an agony. Every sound made is a misery. Crying silent blood from my eyes. Recover but never completely heal. 

Even when I try to piece it back....the Kaleidoscope lost its magic already. That very same day that happiness ran away from me. My broken wings and wounded heart was too heavy that I left it behind. 

I left the kaleidoscope locked deep in my heart. It was too painful to look at, seeing what you have lost and being so hard to get back.. 

Like the Kaleidoscope, I left behind a part of me that day. 

Glass wall

Its not that I can't feel. Many people mistaken my aloofness for being cold and heartless.

But even I dun want to admit to myself thats actually, its the opposite.
I feel too much.
Thats why I am scared. These feelings, all these emotions, I can't handle them. They are too strong.
So I choose to runaway from them instead.

I chose loneliness for my companion instead. Its just too hard. Feelings would be my downfall. So I need to be aloof. To pretend. To protect....

Sounds cowardly. "To love like there is no tomorrow?" Sure I already spared that to those who I deemed worthy and who I know, would never do anything to hurt me or break my heart. :)