What will become of that lone star?

It began with a longing

that morphed into a wish

A need

more than anything

A lone star in that dark night sky

that kept me going

Loneliness and sadness

dragged me down all the time

but that star

that sad lone star

To protect

To cherish

To keep it safe

To keep me safe

All broken and torn down

yet so precious

more treasured than anything 

in the world

A simple, sad yet a foolish wish

So pure and innocent

All the prayers

one by one

every single day

pile up 

all for that single wish..

My secret language

The battle is not over. But in my heart, its done.

I couldn't bring myself to face it.

I love art all my life 

ever since young

But its so hard. 

So I practiced hard. Starting from young. 

I don't know about talents. I only know a journey full of hardships.

From food shapes to drawings and paintings, my mum started my passion for art.

In primary school, I thought I was rather creative. 

I loved playing with colours even though I don't really understand how to use them. 

Feelings shaped through pencils lines

Words expressed through the shading on paper

My unique form of expression. An art form that belonged solely to me.

My own secret language. 

All the best drawings were displayed on the classroom windows

Staring at it enviously, I wanted mine to be there

If it could, I would be so happy

I tried hard. 

Putting my emotions into tiny curls of markers

over and over again

Alas, my marker art went up the window

I was so proud

Unable to conceal, I wanted to share with someone

Only when I look around

I understand 

It was an achievement

but with no one to share

it was such a lonely achievement

Just like my drawing up there

A lone house on top of a hill

I waited on top of the hill for someone to come along

It was lonely up there

and it showed in my art

All the bright colours I used

hoping someone would like

hoping someone would come along

hoping someone would appreciate it

I was waiting...

I don't know what being talented mean. 

All my life was plain hard work. If others output 100%, I had to output 200%.

I keep trying my best every single time. Every single day.

Yet, its tiring to keep up this pace and stamina all the time...

I had to keep pushing myself. 

But I end up running. All the time. 

When its too hard. When I can't take it anymore.

Everytime I just want to give up, something pulls me up again.

Hope...

Like a little fool. I kept hoping.

Art is all about the talented plus a lot of hard work.

But the most important thing, is like someone realises about your art..

A rock would stay a rock forever until someone realise its a diamond...

Someone who could see it. 

Someone who can understand your secret language. 

Just like love. Someone who could feel it.

But I can't draw now

I lost my secret language somewhere

this world is so mixed up

I lost it somewhere

eyes staring at me 

demanding,scolding,crying

I am lost. My art is lost.

I lost an important part of me

and I am trying to find it back...

That feeling

It was a dream...so familiar and so unreal...

Floating through a tunnel, all curled up. But I could breathe underwater, I couldn't open my eyes but I can see my surroundings. Dancing lights illuminate the dark tunnel. Droplets pass between the water bodies side by side as I slowly float down...

Being Fearless

To disappear 

into nothing

To only act on my own will

without caring for others

To follow my heart

and steadfast to my path

To fade away

to not worry

To love

without fear

To trust 

without doubt

To accept

all of my imperfection

To runaway

where no one can find me

Let everything go

to be ME.

Thank you.

wanna hear something funny?

Others are all worry about their future. But me, I am just trying my best to make out of this school alive. Since Year 2, I had always been worried about the final lap. That I couldn't make it. Now, I am barely surviving.

I thought other times were bad enough. Surprisingly, this year is worst. From starting out, expecting quality work and timely submission to just trying to get through this alive. Its so hard.

But for the first time in my life, I am not alone. My mom and my cousins helped me with my work. Even our classmates and lecturers helped us. I am so touched. Honestly speaking, I am not close to any single one of them. Yet, through this hard times, I felt so warmed. Even my friends offered to help after their graduation.

I think thats the only reason, why I am not falling back into depression and going crazy already. I finally realised how lucky and fortunate I was. I felt so blessed.
Words can't express what I feel, I feel so loved and that people around are trying their hardest to save me, to make my journey easier. Thank you. Every thought, every small gesture and every kind act never fail to make me so happy. Even if it doesn't show on my face.

Thank you. It was something that could decide a person's life and death. :)

Inner voices

I wouldn't let it happen

panic overwhelming me

I will focus on what I can do

There is so much to do

I will do what I can

there is so little time

I gotta stop panicking

Its just making it worse

I am trying not to think about it

Help..

Its ok. I can do this.

@&^%*T%

RELAX. Breathe.

Its suffocating

Shut up, inner voices!

So much fear

Concentrate!

Oh my freak. Oh my freak.

Its ok!

Who am I trying to kid?

Focus. I can do this.

I want to run away from reality right now.

I am strong! I can do this!

><

I can do this. Shut up, stupid inner voices. I am going to prove you all wrong!!!

I am just me. The imperfect little me

Maybe we were enemies in our past life

that why we keep hurting each other

your words and my decisions

I can't be what you wish for

bringing nothing but disappointment to you

sometimes, even I feel sad for you

Maybe if you had another child

or someone who can give you everything

you wouldn't be this sad or angry

Being with you 

makes me feel like being a broken doll

broken beyond repair

I wonder what is it I am lacking

that makes you so unhappy

I honestly don't know

Somehow failing all the invisible test

breaking all the unspoken rules

until I don't know what is right or wrong anymore

Why are you always so explosive?

Why are you always so miserable?

Why can't you just be happy?

Treading on the broken glass around you

I see myself breaking more and more each day

Who or what am I now?

I am trying so hard to be perfect

Honest

I tried. I somehow just can't.

I am sorry

Trying to please you

Trying to make you happy

is so tiring

I just want to disappear

fade away even

since my existence caused you nothing but pain

 I am just me

no matter how imperfect or how lacking

Its who I am

bye now,

I have to go.

If can, I pray that you will someday find happiness

without me.

I am sure you did be a lot happier

smiling even

like how you always used to

even though its gone now

because of me

I hope that you would be able find it back someday ~

Whoa, Been MIA for sooooooooo long.......

Wonder if anyone even read this blog anymore. 

Just an update, on my final project now.

Its crazy. Especially when you have anew lecturer taking charge of you. Hmmmm...

Anyway, for the future. I got a rough idea but no confirm plan. Haven't start researching on it, to be honest, I think I am just being a chicken and trying not to think about it... :/ Its scary.

I actually got a lot of things I want to rant about but there are simply too much and I am simply to tired to say? 

The pitch black darkness scares me

I can't see

my feet are rooted to the ground

fear parlaying me

Unable to move

Unable to make a single sound

Trembling at the unknown

wanting to escape what I don't know

Rays of soft moonbeams 

bathe me in their light

steadying my unstable heartbeat

chasing away the darkness

But the fears always have a way of creeping in

I ran, I scream, I shout, I cried

Nobody was there

There was no help to come

A slip of a food

suddenly I was sinking into a dark abyss

ice cold liquid 

spiking me into unconsciousness  

Harsh Truths

I want to believe that this world is not bad
that this world is not cold
that even though I may be full of wounds and scars today
I can still believe that tomorrow will be a better day

I want to believe that you can change
I want to believe that you still can love
But its so hard
Trapped within your own thorns and old scars

You blindly hurt everyone around you
Breaking and cursing at all the hearts around you
I want to run far away
Back to the point of time when I was free

Free from you and your abuses
I am tired
My tears are enough to fill a sea
yet you still wouldn't be able to see
the hidden pain you caused

Reality can get so cold and cruel at times
Its so hard to try to get up every single time
Falling hurts beyond imagination
Every rejection stabs deeply

Sometimes, I just want to fade into nothing
So that I don't have to face you anymore
So that I don't have to face such a day anymore
So that I don't have to hurt like this anymore

Everything irritates me now

I hate today.

I am so sick of trying so hard, nothing comes out of it.

Nobody appreciates the amount of effort anyone puts in

My parents just assumes I slack the whole day

I keep trying and redoing but nothing comes out right

TODAY SUCKS!

Almost could see the end then I was sent tumbling back down to the start

Lost in my concept

Haven't start on my research

Still need to worry about about other modules and work

Need to sketch some more.

@$%&%$@

All I want want is some peace and quiet, thanks for ruining it.

I am seriously starting to hate the everything now.

Hate you, today.

Back to work