Sword or shield

Its sufforcating and I can't breathe. Very tired already but I still have to keep going. Knowing that I might break or lose myself very badly again, but because it is a chance without a certain outcome. Thats why I keep taking it, despite falling and hurting so bad over and over again all alone because I want to keep beliveing. Beliving that I am not that useless, that actully I can do it, that I really give my hardest and try my very best.
I am useless, I know that. But I want to keep trying!Iwant to prove that I really really did try my best.I am a coward, I am not strong. I may be just a weak little girl who can't give a penny to save her own life but I still want to keeep doing, I want to keep trying. Even at the verge og destroying myself. I still want to do something to prove that"hey I can".
But to be at constant war with my ownself.It is really tiring. Sword or shield.I want shield but I have no choice, I need to use sword. In this world, there are choices but sometimes situation push you to a corner. There is always another way, you know it. But you can't see it. With your eyes blindfolded, all alone. In this dark journey, trying to pick yourself after every hard fall. When you managed to find the light, something always get in your way, throwing you roughly back to square one. It is a harsh life and pain is a very strict teacher. But can't give up. Actually its more of wouldn't give up. Once you lose faith, you lose everything. I am a stubborn person, I will grab whatever chance I have because there is still HOPE.
My hands are soiled. My visions are dirty. I am disgusting beyond any words and tainted beyond any help. I do wish I was dead but I want to live even more. Dying would be easier, life wouldn't be tough anymore but what the point? Life is too precious to be wasted. I only got this one life, I have to make the best out of it. Because I know I can do it, its just that I still can't grasp my true pontential. I got to keep trying. Its lonely, its painful but I know that that light is there. It is somewhere out there. I willl manage to find it one day. One day. I will.Find it.