Do you even hear me?

Why can't you shut up and listen to me talk or wait until I talk finish. 

Always cutting me halfway before finishing my sentence.

Always trying to prove that you are correct despite the fact you are wrong.

You never speak.

Only order, shout, yell, demand and scold.

My voice becomes a whisper, fading into the background.

It becomes very hard to talk to you, so I became the wall.

It becomes tiring to look at you, I stare somewhere else.

It become so suffocating to be struck in this house, so I imagine I am somewhere else.

Being around you, makes me wonder if I am a human.

Had I not known, I could be a doll or machine.

Same face, same expression trying not to betray the fact I actually am human.

Its better to cut out my heart and sew up my mouth when I am around you.

The best is to disappear, fade away into the background

So that I don't have to see what I am in your eyes.

To keep living on

4th day. Still surviving.

If I regret anything.....I might have regret telling you. It must have been uncomfortable. I am sorry. ;( Had I know, I wouldn't have told you. Sorry. It must have been disturbing.






Anyway, I am happy that I am still in this world. Yup. keep going, me! Its hard keeping it from her and all but I decided to just leave it as it is. Whats the point anyway? I wouldn't get what I want. Still trying to find a way to deal with all the anger and hate. I stop bothering trying to disguise it and make myself loving, its the only way that I can deal with it. Normal routine keeps me going. Flashback keep haunting me, I am already trying not to hurt myself. My cheek is already sore from all the scratching. I will survive. I can do this.

I have to. The world wouldn't stop moving just because someone like me disappeared.

Mirror

Don't Hate me. Don't hate you. 
Don't. Please. It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. 

I see the kind girl inside you. I know you think you are super ugly, dark and twisted. 
But have you forgotten?
I am  sorry. I couldn't do it after all. 
You still hate me
I don't.
LIAR. You lied. You broke your promise. You can't do it after all. You hate me. 
........I really want to love you....really.....with all my heart. But....I can't after all.
You are so mean!!! I HATE YOU! 
I really really want to. Its already tough trying to force her to keep on living. I can't do already.
You are hurt.
But you are the one with all the scars, no?
But you are the one with the broken heart. 

*Sad smile. No one dies of a broken heart no matter how much they want to.
You are always the one crying. Why is that when I am the one who bore the pain?
Because it hurts so bad. So much that I want to die. But...I can't.
Idiot. Why do you always let them hurt you? 
Because I am a fool...
Stupid. Really a stupid idiotic fool. But..stay that way.. 
Why are you here?
To protect you, what else? You are like a fragile little chick. 
But you seem much more breakable than me.
So what? You obviously can't handle it alone. You need me as much as I need you.
Promise? You promise to be here forever?
Of course...To leave a fool like you alone, who knows what will happen.

You wouldn't hurt me like the rest,right? You wouldn't hate me, right?
You are the one who hate me! 
Then would you still be with me?
De. Who else will protect you? Even when your whole world falls, trust in me. Believe in me. I will be here. Right here. Always. 
You have to promise to stay with me forever. I need you. 
Of course. Go to sleep. The pain will eventually fade into a memory. Even if it comes back like the rest, you will be able to handle like all the rest. Time will wash everything away. Believe me. Just give it time. Tomorrow will definitely be better than tomorrow. 
Promise?
Promised.Now go to sleep. I will protect you. Close you eyes and sleep.
Good night......

Scream and RUN far far away

Can someone tell me when my holiday is coming????

Honestly?!! This is like working already, hardly any holiday except one day of the week. Portfolio. Portfolio. PORTFOLIO.

Great. Just GREAT. =_= I haven't even contacted any companies or look through the list. Great. =_=... Resume. Cover letters. I know I can kiss the holidays goodbye but hello?! Can this not be just like another school day. Tomorrow I am meeting with my lecturer-in-charge....gosh...She is known to be strict even though she is nice. I am bad with strict lecturers, I always feel like I have to walk on egg shells around them. I become very scared and jumpy around them. I am seriously trying to quit this weird habit but dang...can't help it. Truthfully, they have a very sharp tongue, too straightforward and their presence is overwhelming. 

I kinda finished my portfolio, still thinking about what to write for the "About" page and changing my "Home" Page..... I mean, the overall look is nice. But I feel frustrated with it. Maybe because the template is rather fixed and there aren't many style or designs I can do with it. Dang it. Feel like tearing everything down and redo again with something else. But that is not possible, I got to show her tomorrow. Hopefully she likes the style. But the more important should be that my future employee likes it. 

Anyway having mood swing now, I am feeling emotional now. Don't ask me why. Its my inferiority complex at work again- my mind is forever degrading me. Dang it. I am trying to change it into a positive voice...I am worth this. Hello?!!! I mean from only knowing how to sew buttons, I can sew up a whole dress, even threading the machines! I really should be more confident of myself. :P I CAN DO THIS, I AM AWESOME, SMART, CAPABLE and RELIABLE. Hear me??? So SHUT UP, you stupid demeaning inner voice. In fact, go to a volume lower than mute, you degrading thing.