Never good enough

I am me. 

It should just be that.

No more, no less.

I decide my worth.

I know I will never be good enough for you

no matter how hard I try.

I know. 

But why is it, 

my head know this, 

my heart also know this, 

yet I still hope

Like a straight little fool

I still hope

Hope that you will wait

Hope that you will listen

Do you know,

a little part of me dies.

Every single time,

Every DAMN time

Harden frown

Vicious tongue

Stabbing words

Angry brows

Most of all,

Disappointment 

written all over your face

underlined in your words

I keep running

never stop running

running till I am out of breath

running from all the hurt and pain

running from your rage

running from your words

hiding from your disappointment

hiding from the hate

But I never do

I could never out run you

Never out run pain

Never out run hope

I dunno what to do now.

I dunno how to stop hoping.

I dunno how to stop hurting.

Hand in Hand, facing fears together

Lets keep walking.

You are alone there. I am alone here.
We are both scared. Unsure of the future.
You keep looking for things to be thankful everyday.
While I am trying to treasure whats left of my time here.

I am alone. I am scared. I just want to turn around and run.
Time and time again, I consider the easiest way out.
But you were always, lending me a hand.
Patiently. Waiting. Listening.
Suddenly the fear was not as loud as it seems anymore.

Suddenly, there were more of "I can do it",
rather than "I can't".
And I am not alone anymore.
Because you are there.

Waiting for me like always.
You are sad, missing home, regretting.
But you are strong.
I seen it. The courage hidden within it.

You will definitely make it.
You might smile in disbelieve.
But there are a lot of miracles
I seen happened with you.

When you feel like you can't, I am here.
I will be here. Like how you are always there for me.
I am sure both of us will make it out alive.

If not, I will call you up at 4am. :P
And you will have no choice but to pick up~

Just one more day

Just one more day

Indulge me for just one more day
Please, don't let this dream fade yet
Don't break this bubble of happiness
Lets just pretend for a while

Let my eyes slowly trace out your face
over every bump and detail
reliving it in my head
with all those short sweet memories

I know. You know too.
Those eyes reflect mine
but this dream will end tomorrow
and fade away

Anymore than this
will be too much
it will become a sin

A secret, it shall be
between you and me
So lets relish in the
seconds ticking away

Before the goodbyes......

Ghost

Hidden in the depths

Strikes at any sign vulnerability

Paralysed feet

unable to scream or shout

for help

Fear waiting to attack 

Too many things 

at a time

Time ticking away

Breathing difficulty

Anxiety seeping through every pore

As much as I try

to leave these two behind

The ghost of past, present and future

will never stop haunting me

Future fears

I kinda feel pathetic. Needing to have so many people to comfort me and reassure me.
I guess this is what happens I can't control or foresee the odds that may come my way.

But one thing is clear though.
I will be in a foreign country soon, only thing is which one.
My heart grips so tightly with fear and
the moment I think about it,
my chest,hands and feet become so paralyzed with fear,
I can't sleep.  
The only thing I can do now
is research and more research.
So many decisions to make
and all of them must be done now.

Breathe.
One at the time.
One at a time.
Its ok.
I can do this.

Just sleep away

Heavy weights bring me down

I don't struggle

I don't fight for life

Water drowns out everything

Its a whole new world

Free from sad memories

I just watch

as the light slowly get fainter and fainter

Despite all this

I still find my hands stretched out

why?

All this loud vast empty silence

within my heart

reflect

these dark waters

that suffocate me

to the end

Breathless

Keep quiet

Don't speak

Don't shout

Don't Scream

Don't Scold

Listen

Please

Listen to me

I read this book that was so sad, it nearly broke my heart. 

A mother grabbing her daughter hard, telling her, 

"Never have kids, cause they will only break your heart". 

It makes me wonder, its that what having children suppose to be all about?

Giving each other misery? Breaking each other's heart? 

I am out of breath

drowning further and further

down

I am tired of fighting

I am tired of trying

I am sick and tired

of pretending 

of lying

of all this pain and misery

Most of all

I am sick of myself

A sad sad disappointment

Sometimes I don't want to talk
we just end up fighting
I still find it amazing
how we can turn a simple good morning
into a squabble
that leaves us both hurt
with bad taste in our mouth

Its not like you were
interested in listening anyway
Every thing is about you
how you are feeling
how disappointed you are
so on and so forth...

Things I say
you just ignore
because its not important
and the fact that
you are always right

Everything about me
is just wrong
Every thing I do
is just unbelievably bad
Basically
A very saddening disappointment

-__-

I am tired of facing you
and you are tired of dealing with me
Sometimes I think fate or destiny
like to play tricks on us 
though I still can't find out a reason why

Its not ok. But we will keep trying

Technology may have advanced a lot
I know I should be grateful
that I can at least instantly communicate
but it doesn't work that way

The distance still form a barrier between us
Nothing can compare
meeting face to face
speaking heart to heart

The barrier
keeps us in the past
Even if we chat
the communication is only at the surface

unable to progress a step further
yet unable to move away
from where we are either

A lot things that should have been said
were all left untold
because its too heartbreaking
to continue any further

Emoticons on the chat
faking what we feel
not knowing how to deal
with the aching longing

With the only thing
that comfort us
is the knowledge
that it wouldn't last forever

Time will fly by
and soon we would be able to
meet again

You will change
like how I will change
but I know
that some things would remain

The longing and thoughts
would still be there

Until then
I will keep trying
You will keep trying
We will both keep living

Wishing
Dreaming
Hoping
Waiting
For the day to come

Bye-Bye

Gone away

In a flash

All of the sudden

It hit me

tinge of sadness

took over

Even though 

its not forever

But every moment

right now

feels so long

Well-wishes

thoughts

I wonder 

if the wind 

will convey 

these messages

to you 

from me

Please be happy

As being under 

the same sky

is the only thought

that comforts me

somewhat

:)

Smile ok?

Sudden Thought

I keep telling my friends to let go and all although I know these "pretty and logical"advices are just dumb. 

Quotes and pretty words doesn't stop one from feeling scared

They make sense but its still hard to apply it on actual situation. 

Like "Don't Worry, be happy", Duh! Everybody knows that but it doesn't stop people from worrying or feel anxious. I also don't want to feel anxious but fear always have a way of creeping and believing may sound ridiculously simple yet it can be so hard. 

Isn't that ironic? Everyone is fighting so hard for happiness, not knowing which road to take, stumbling right and left. Everyone is trying so hard, for a better future. Sometimes, along the way, we even lose ourselves. Mistaking possessions as happiness, like money, car, house. We forget. "The best things in the world are what money can't buy". We fight so hard for it, just to realise in the end that that is the reason why we lose it in the first place.

Happiness is like a butterfly, you chase after it so hard but can never catch it. Until you get tired and it hovers in front of your face yet not close enough for you to catch. Then the whole cycle begins again. I feel life and wishes are that.

Its hard but I give thanks everyday. For everything. :) For my parents who are still healthy and that my grandparents are still alive. Lovely cousins and awesome IRRITATING friends. :) Random things like rain, beauty in the things I see, be it pencils or plants. Being alive is just too wonderful words. 

Doesn't mean that heavy thoughts don't weigh me down. Doesn't mean I don't get depressed or thought that life was miserable. It does. A lot of time. Doesn't mean I am alone. Even if it feels like it, at least I can deal with it, knowing that the storm will pass. It hurts so bad a lot times though. 

This is the truth. I am scared of the future. I keep running away. I don't even have the courage in me to go find out universities. =_=....that is how pathetic I am. I am giving myself a deadline though. I am kinda hoping I can go overseas uni. Its going to be scary, I don't know if I will get bullied or get racist treatment but I still want to go. Because I want to know what it feels like to fly. I never once stop dreaming of flying. Flying higher than anyone, soaring above the clouds. I can never stop that addiction. The adrenaline rush, the beat of your heart and the risk you are facing, the feeling is too amazing to describe. 

That is true Freedom. A freedom I would never stop dreaming of. 

I almost do

Secrets piled up
like all those butterflies in a jar
threatening to die of suffocation

Lies built up here and there
to protect one's heart
yet add on guilt

Memories get beautify
yet faded with time
like a Polaroid picture

Truth willing its way out
yet like fire it will spread
on those vicious tongue

Eyes open
yet denying the truth
that it seen

Every breath taken
get heavy and heavier
unable to withstand
the weight of lies and secrets

Its Ok

Sometimes you have to lying to yourself
saying that its ok
in hopes that the pain would go away
that your heart would stop hurting

All these sad gentle lies
slowly pile up in your heart
tears slip down your face
in the face of the harsh reality

But what other choice you have
then to believe it
and hold on to it
Smile and pretend its alright

It only serves to show
how much more desperate you are
trying to believe that it would get better
believing that the pain would go away

all these gentle yet sad lies
to try to heal your broken heart
since they are all you have
from breaking down and going insane

Lovign "you"

When I love 

I have decided

I will love "You"

Whether you are male or female

Whether you are rich or poor

Whether you are good-looking or not

it doesn't matter

I will love "you"

thats more than enough 

for me

I don't care what the world say

I don't give a damn about the society

none of them matters

I would rather be loved 

by the one person I loved

than to be loved by the whole world

I only want to follow my heart

only "you" matter 

the most important person to me

Desperate Love

This love is so desperate

its going to tear us apart

but still

we are unable to let go

of each other's hand

I am scared

to love you

afraid that this isn't real

that its only a dream

You love me so much

its driving you insane

the passion burning in your eyes

the unspoken words

How fragile you treat me

so unsure of yourself

that your passion

would drive me away

I am scared

but so drawn to you

that passion

I could never understand

You try to control yourself

even though 

you would rather chain me

and lock me up 

somewhere

No one can ever find

so that I would only look at you

so that I would only think of you

so that I would be all yours

But thinking of me

you don't 

While I am selfish

unable to give you 

what you truly need

yet

also unable to let go 

of your hand

how long will this flames 

continue burning

This love that is so desperate

that its so sad...

Losing you

The thought of you going so far away
hurts so bad
that I can't breathe

I know that its foolish
to say
I can't live in a world without you

Because I know
and you know that
no one dies of a broken heart

But the world becomes unbearable
daily chores becomes a chore
every new day loses colour

My heart wouldn't stop aching
My mind wouldn't stop thinking about you
My eyes well up

I would become something less than a doll
one with a broken heart
left with only an empty shell

Trapped within that frozen time
tied down with all those memories
unable to move on....

2 sides of the coin

Life is like a coin

there are always 2 side

to every story

Like yours

Like mine

I flip a coin

Good mother

I flip it again

 Bad mum

One Side

Hate

Other Side

Love 

I don't know 

what to do with it

I struggle very long

with this coin in my pocket

Most of the time,

it roll so far away beyond reach

Rarely,

it brings me joy

I don't want to part with it

I don't want to not want it

But,

as a coin

it brings a heavy burden

Suffocating me

Making it hard for breathing

If I continue to carry it

the bad outweigh the good

No matter which side I ponder,

 I have to leave something behind

What will become of that lone star?

It began with a longing

that morphed into a wish

A need

more than anything

A lone star in that dark night sky

that kept me going

Loneliness and sadness

dragged me down all the time

but that star

that sad lone star

To protect

To cherish

To keep it safe

To keep me safe

All broken and torn down

yet so precious

more treasured than anything 

in the world

A simple, sad yet a foolish wish

So pure and innocent

All the prayers

one by one

every single day

pile up 

all for that single wish..

My secret language

The battle is not over. But in my heart, its done.

I couldn't bring myself to face it.

I love art all my life 

ever since young

But its so hard. 

So I practiced hard. Starting from young. 

I don't know about talents. I only know a journey full of hardships.

From food shapes to drawings and paintings, my mum started my passion for art.

In primary school, I thought I was rather creative. 

I loved playing with colours even though I don't really understand how to use them. 

Feelings shaped through pencils lines

Words expressed through the shading on paper

My unique form of expression. An art form that belonged solely to me.

My own secret language. 

All the best drawings were displayed on the classroom windows

Staring at it enviously, I wanted mine to be there

If it could, I would be so happy

I tried hard. 

Putting my emotions into tiny curls of markers

over and over again

Alas, my marker art went up the window

I was so proud

Unable to conceal, I wanted to share with someone

Only when I look around

I understand 

It was an achievement

but with no one to share

it was such a lonely achievement

Just like my drawing up there

A lone house on top of a hill

I waited on top of the hill for someone to come along

It was lonely up there

and it showed in my art

All the bright colours I used

hoping someone would like

hoping someone would come along

hoping someone would appreciate it

I was waiting...

I don't know what being talented mean. 

All my life was plain hard work. If others output 100%, I had to output 200%.

I keep trying my best every single time. Every single day.

Yet, its tiring to keep up this pace and stamina all the time...

I had to keep pushing myself. 

But I end up running. All the time. 

When its too hard. When I can't take it anymore.

Everytime I just want to give up, something pulls me up again.

Hope...

Like a little fool. I kept hoping.

Art is all about the talented plus a lot of hard work.

But the most important thing, is like someone realises about your art..

A rock would stay a rock forever until someone realise its a diamond...

Someone who could see it. 

Someone who can understand your secret language. 

Just like love. Someone who could feel it.

But I can't draw now

I lost my secret language somewhere

this world is so mixed up

I lost it somewhere

eyes staring at me 

demanding,scolding,crying

I am lost. My art is lost.

I lost an important part of me

and I am trying to find it back...

That feeling

It was a dream...so familiar and so unreal...

Floating through a tunnel, all curled up. But I could breathe underwater, I couldn't open my eyes but I can see my surroundings. Dancing lights illuminate the dark tunnel. Droplets pass between the water bodies side by side as I slowly float down...

Being Fearless

To disappear 

into nothing

To only act on my own will

without caring for others

To follow my heart

and steadfast to my path

To fade away

to not worry

To love

without fear

To trust 

without doubt

To accept

all of my imperfection

To runaway

where no one can find me

Let everything go

to be ME.

Thank you.

wanna hear something funny?

Others are all worry about their future. But me, I am just trying my best to make out of this school alive. Since Year 2, I had always been worried about the final lap. That I couldn't make it. Now, I am barely surviving.

I thought other times were bad enough. Surprisingly, this year is worst. From starting out, expecting quality work and timely submission to just trying to get through this alive. Its so hard.

But for the first time in my life, I am not alone. My mom and my cousins helped me with my work. Even our classmates and lecturers helped us. I am so touched. Honestly speaking, I am not close to any single one of them. Yet, through this hard times, I felt so warmed. Even my friends offered to help after their graduation.

I think thats the only reason, why I am not falling back into depression and going crazy already. I finally realised how lucky and fortunate I was. I felt so blessed.
Words can't express what I feel, I feel so loved and that people around are trying their hardest to save me, to make my journey easier. Thank you. Every thought, every small gesture and every kind act never fail to make me so happy. Even if it doesn't show on my face.

Thank you. It was something that could decide a person's life and death. :)

Inner voices

I wouldn't let it happen

panic overwhelming me

I will focus on what I can do

There is so much to do

I will do what I can

there is so little time

I gotta stop panicking

Its just making it worse

I am trying not to think about it

Help..

Its ok. I can do this.

@&^%*T%

RELAX. Breathe.

Its suffocating

Shut up, inner voices!

So much fear

Concentrate!

Oh my freak. Oh my freak.

Its ok!

Who am I trying to kid?

Focus. I can do this.

I want to run away from reality right now.

I am strong! I can do this!

><

I can do this. Shut up, stupid inner voices. I am going to prove you all wrong!!!