A reason to be here

Sometimes, its easier forgetting those reasons when I am being dragged into my own black hole.

A black hole is very scary. It sucks up any life force or anything close to it, even absorbing light.  Sometimes...the force is so great, that I am scared that it swallow me up also.

Thinking and wanting is indeed meaningless. Only doing helps.
But what can be done to something that is already broken beyond repair. Sometimes, it seems so much easier to just cut out my heart and throw it away.. Maybe then, it wouldn't hurt so much.

But that is not going to happen.... Trying to pretend everything is alright. Trying to pretend that I am okay. Sometimes I wonder. How long more am I trying to cheat myself? haha..

What can I do other than that?.... Whatever... Life goes on.

New Blog Skin

Finally managed to edit the new blogskin to my liking.

I think i want to learn how to create one. The code for all the different colours.
Maybe get Darlene to teach me to upload a cbox and how to put in pics without it becoming a question mark. It really gets on my nerve.How to use a photobucket, will bug Alex for it since she has one and hopefully, knows how to use it.

I chose Multimedia as my CDS thinking that it was different art media, when in fact, it was about computer....But at least its useful. Just hopefully I don't kill the computer before it kills me. =_=.. Lets just hope both the com and me will survive unscathed. Somehow


Now its the holidays. :D :D :D Meaning I got lots of time to kill.

First on list would be to find a part time job...

Second would be to find out about the things I wanna know
like sign language and astronomy (going to the lib to check it out later ^^)

Third would be trying out cheesecake from all places. So far, I still think the lemon cheesecake made by my friends and I is the best! :D
The one for the DIY cake shop: The cream cheese on top is too....thickening
The one from McCafe one is not bad!: The cream cheese is nice!
But the biscuit bottom is...... they dun really care about it, I think.

To me, cheesecake must have biscuit bottom. The next few cheesecake on my list are Hans, Secret Recipe and Ikea. Hopefully, I get to try them out.


Fourth would be to build up my creativity...hmmm...how do you do that????

Fifth would be to do a proper illustration for my story since the one I hand up was...... (lets just say... I want to burn it)

Sixth, Pick up my courage to go for the Urban Sketchers' Group? (... i mean, I really really do want to go....) And not chicken out of the REACH community: I can't say, I want to help people but just sit at home and do nothing, right? Sides, it would be a pity to miss out such a great opportunity like this since it might be something I want to do in the future. (My mum might kill me but then again....lets just let the future worry for itself)
I pray I will find courage from somewhere to go for it.Sides, I might get to meet new friends???? (Someone help me........I am scared...) 


Seventh, try to make holiday fulfilling instead of rotting in front of the computer. Do finish that art piece. Learn how to use Imovie? (Clarie did teach me a bit. Wonder if I can bug her)

Eighth, Enough blogging. Let do it. :)

Lastly, Enjoy your holidays, my dear friends. Make it a fulfilling one! Remember to take care of your health.

:)

This week has been full of Miracles!!!!!! >< 


:)

Friends

..... >< :D :D ^^

Met her again today, I may not show it well but I am very happy about it. :D

Didn't feel very nervous this time. :) I wanted to ask a lot of questions but so much questions, so little time. Sides, I prefer listening. To me, I feel that she is very wise. Wise as in she knows a lot of things about different topics and many life experiences on it so I like listening.

It feels nice being able to feel at peace. Its not easy. It depends on the people you be with and recently I been having a lot of inner and external conflict. Its very weary.. and I am very tired of it. So it feels nice being able to communicate and be comfortable with another person.

Someone who accepts me for who I am, who don't find me lacking. Someone who sees me for who I am and not who they wished for. You may think its easy but you have no idea how hard it is. After being in Poly, it makes me cherish my friends even more. :) I have never felt more than lucky in my life to know that they are always there for me, even if they are not by my side. But I know. Thats why I never stop thanking God and never stop feeling grateful.

She is one of the people I cherish too. But I wonder if she treats me as her friend too? Its funny. After a while of not meeting but still we can have endless topic to talk about and not be awkward with each other. :) I like it. Its hard to get that feeling, even harder since I came to Poly.

I feel like endless waves of problems Crashing into me, constantly trying to throw me off my path and blurring my sight. Trying to confuse me, trying to beat me down. It get so tough sometimes. SO TOUGH that I just want to break down, scream and cry.. But I can't. Its just not the time.

So I just swallow down all my sufferings, complaints and tears. Just grit my teeth and brave through every storm. Always telling myself, "When this is over, then I will cry" But by the time it ended, I just want to sleep away...

It feels heavy though. All the things I keep in my chest, its like black stuff spirming around. I don't like it. But its not like I can cut out my chest and let it all out. So I just deal with it.

Anyway, back to the main topic. I throughly enjoyed myself. The feeling of not being alone and being able to be with another person. Its nice. :D


Sometimes, I wished we can spend maybe more time with each other, not rushing anywhere...not rushing anything.. just sit on the grass underneath the huge blue sky. Just spend the whole day sitting and talking... about anything and everything. Or maybe just relaxing in each other's presence. I think that would be nice. :)  

Missing you

I miss everyone. 
I miss the old times. 
I miss not having to worry about family problems
I miss not needing to stay up a whole night just to complete school work
I miss the time table of many different subjects
I miss the classroom that is not air conditioned
I miss the canteen with so many food choices
I miss......I wish.....I miss....


There are too much things I miss...

Urg....

So much things I want to complain about.


 Mr Blue. Drafting. @....... Stupid asthma and kimabaru...


Whatever. I just want to find the nearest Ocean and scream now.....

 

Asthma

Great. Just great. Could you believe it? It all about my Asthma again!

  What the Crap! I just want to scream! Why does my asthma always ALWAYS pull me down?!
   "No! You cannot eat ice cream" "No! Don't touch the soft toy or stray cat! Got a lot of fur"
   Freak it!

   Due to my freaking Asthma, I got deprived of soft toys, crap, even the bee that my dad gave me as birthday present! "Its for your own good." Heck! I KNOW THAT. I know its mainly care and concern.

  But I am so sick of it.... I want to go to hike at mount Kimabaru... :( Stupid illness....

  Do you know how freaking DISAPPOINTING it is?!...Haiz.... Can I break someone's neck? I need a chill pill

@

A lot of things happen, I don't even know which to began with.

   First would be @..... I am giving her cold shoulder because I don't know what to do. Its bad, I feel guilty but I really don't know what to do. I get irritated just by looking at her and I don't find the things she say funny. How is forgetting your wallet or losing your phone funny? I really don't understand. Its like you are not putting in any effort or just treating it like its nothing.
  
  @ is kind and generous but....I just can't take it. She did state I should give her a chance, that I should give time... but...its like too late...I already moved on. without her. Ever since that day I told her I want to stop being "friends." I realised that ever since HOC, the first I met her, I was already very annoyed with her and was never friends with her. She had the bad habit of putting her stuff on my table, but I told myself to 忍. And I did for so many months, so maybe my patience just broke.

   This are all my problems actually. She is fine with me, de, she is fine with everyone! Point is, we are not fine with her. Even another girl. My inferiority complex also do not work well with her....Her artworks are really amazing..and I get very stressed and depressed looking at it. Never mind. It the LAST BLOCK already!!! Only left around eight to nine days with @. You have no idea how freaking happy I am. 
  
  @ is nice but I guess we just couldn't.... But I don't want to hurt her feelings.... Gosh... But after reading DL's blog, I guess I should stay strong already. When I already so sure of what I should do...


     There are so many problems making me feel so small and vulnerable, but once I read that the obstacles thrown at us matches our strength so why must we give up? Its okay to feel overwhelmed at times and run away, because that doesn't mean you are weak. People get tired after a while, trying to stay strong for so long, so they need to run away to gather their strength for a while before facing the problems again. 


    So many problems. So overwhelming and tiring. I guess, I guess have to deal with one by one when time comes...

Who am I?

School and home really test me.

They test my patience

They test my character

They test everything about me

My tolerance, my kindness, my personailty

EVERYTHING

Its tiring 

the stress, 

the limit getting stretched more and more 

everyday

I really tried

very hard

its so tiring

but I told myself

that I am strong

that I definitely can do this

but these hurdles

its like getting worse and worse

as days go by

I don't want to give up

I don't to let problems take over my life

I don't want

I want to have strength

I want to believe in myself

believe in god

I can do this

I can 

I have to believe 

Am I happy?

Today, someone asked me "Am I happy?"

  I was a bit stunned as I thought back about the negative things today
  I never felt more lonely than lonely, and irritated by @
  I felt so vulnerable ever since graduating from IJ, without my friends
  The people in ploy are nicer than ij but they already attached themselves to others
  The lecturers can't even remember your name, let alone who you are
 
 BUT


  I still have my friends and because of poly, it makes me cherish them even more
  I was able to meet you (Is it okay to relate everything you do to me?)
  I could have alone time to think and reflect
  I can become stronger overcoming the obstacles