Better than a Doll

You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile.

If these walls could talk, they would have so much to tell.

There's only HATE, There's only TEARS, There's only PAIN, THERE IS NO LOVE HERE. So what will you do?

I think I am rather good with my acting skills.

Or more like blending skills. Being part of the scenery or becoming a wall. Maybe the most accurate description would be a lifeless doll.

Ending of last year till now is getting worse and worse by the minute, ever since she got promoted. The moment she comes home, everyone is on egg shells. Nothing is right. The rules of the game changes all the time, its crazy. She would go all her way just to find trouble for you, literally running her finger at every spot, asking you why is there still a speck of dust here. 

Scolding and yelling the moment she lay her eyes on us, saying that the sight of both of us are detestable and irritating. Interesting. This becoming like a plot in the storybook, except the funny thing is that it is happening to me. :) I don't know what to feel. I was so good at pretending that I can't feel anything, maybe I have been too good. I really can't feel anything now. Like a doll. 

We have become a pest in her eyes now, she keep going on and on about why did she even give birth. She regretted about giving birth because it only brought her pain and trouble. I don't know, do I have a face? How come I can stay so expressionless being told that by the person who give birth to me. Why didn't I scream and yelled "I didn't ASK FOR ANY OF THIS CRAP!! For goodness sake! Stop blaming in on me!" No. I couldn't do anything. 

Cause even if she regretted it. I didn't. I am happy to be born here, even if I meant nothing to her. I am happy to be here. Sorry. I can't die just because she regretted it. I wanted to in the past but too bad, now I got many reasons to live for. Life wasn't just limited to this house like the past, I got friends now. I got my classmates and still get a brother that I want to protect. So I am sorry. I wouldn't just end my life just because you regret. Its too late.

Sometimes, I really wished I was stronger. That I wasn't such a whim. Sometimes, I wished I could be like my other friends. They really love their parents a lot and they are also having problems like me but they seem so such stronger and a so much better person than me. Their heart may be badly hurt and bleeding but its still filled with so much love. Mine? Hahaha....:) You wouldn't want to know. 

I really have become such a disgusting, ugly and twisted person inside. 

There is only LIES, there is only FEAR,there's only PAIN, there's NO LOVE HERE. So what would you do?  

-"No Love" by Simple Plan

Holiday-Computer course

Ok, I admit it....I am scared.

Even in this Virtual Course, I seem to be the last and slowest to catch up with everything. =_+
My computer keep playing with me. Low battery. Program shutting down without advanced notice. Something messed up somewhere. Yesterday, during a TEST, I spent the 1st hour redoing and redoing and redoing cause the damn computer keep shutting down. then the next half hour, the computer threaten to die on me. Finally, I have to rush the whole thing within the last half an hour. =_+

Honestly, everyone is like a 100 steps before me. No matter how much I scream and shout for everyone to wait for me. It can't reach them. Most importantly, I can't reach them. I really tried. Gritting my teeth and forcing myself not to cry, trying to brave through it all. But its hard. I really feel like giving up at times, but I wouldn't.

I am going to get rid of this bad habit of mine. Never give up till the thing is completed. I have every responsibility and pride to ensure each piece is done to the best of my abilities. I really need to work on it. Its going to be my final year, I don't have a choice.

Scared for my GPA results that is coming out next week. *Don't dare to open it. Gosh. What was I thinking while signing up for OSIP??!!!! Was I insane?? Like what AL said, think of it as an opportunity. True. I should stop putting myself down! ><

Got 2 more test tomorrow and 1 task left. Still got a lot of things to do my design. Major problem now: Portfolio. Only upload all the necessary works and photos. Urg....By this Sunday, need to finish. PANIC!!!!!

Going to sleep. Woke up late today. Don't need another experience like today. Not that I care much for this stupid course. It is useful but it is super BORING and DRY. Especially when you are staring at the computer for long hours. ;/  Nites

Quick Sand

I am not doing my work again. At least Assignment 1 is over.
But I only have 9 pages alone....another pair have 45 pages...
I doubt combined with my partner, we can even get such a huge amt. Oh wells.
Haven't touch my other subject * Death...

Anyway, I just find it interesting that I hardly post any happy stuff here even though this blog is like for the public.

Living a life. I doubt many people have led that.
I do think that work is necessary. But its a bit crazy on the work part.
Like we don't have enough air to breathe

Everyone have different kind of problems.
But I don't think we should compared whose worse off.
Sometimes the gap is obvious, sometimes its isn't
But whatever it is, the only thing everyone know is
the pain in your heart would never stop hurting

The worst part is you keep thinking and brooding over this problem to no end
because it just doesn't have a answer.
You can only think of how to make the situation better but not go away

It is not like a maths problem (not that I am good at it), where 1+1= 2
Human hearts is ever changing and hardest to understand
Its so frustrating like watching the movie where lovers keep misunderstanding
and hurting each other unknowingly

It like being stuck in a web.
The more you struggled, the more tangled you get
So at the end, you just walk around with the web.
Your heart bound with the web, that slowly keep cutting into your heart.

Mama

I watched this movie which received very good ratings. "Mama"

It is a good film. But I was so angry.

Should a innocent child bear the sins of their parents?
They did nothing wrong. I do understand my classmate's point of view though.

Killing the child so that the child doesn't have to feel unwanted or left alone to carry the weight of the world. Yes, maybe its easier that way. The child wouldn't have to suffer. Especially after the parents commit suicide. Its also a sign of their love for the child.

I also understand that I am in no position or in any right to say anything since I have never been a mother before.

The child. This pitiful and sad child. If you really have her best interest in heart.
Why not live for her instead? I know its hard. Especially when you have given up all hope.
When your whole body already shattered due to reality, and you can't get up anymore.

But why not? For the child's sake. I am sure she needs you as much as you need her.
If you have the strength to kill her, surely you would have to strength to continue to live and to fight for her!
You may have feel that you failed miserably, in life, as a husband/wife or in everything, but what about the child? You are her whole world. She haven't had the chance to live yet and to love yet.

If you truly love her and have her best interest at heart, live for her.

I just feel damn sad. Children are so innocent. So sweet.
Don't. Just don't. Don't leave them. Don't kill them.

Live for them instead. Please. They need you as much as you need them.

Its weird.

You want something to happen. Anything.
But all you get is a still quiet day. Where time seem to have stop.
Passing like as if you are just a spectator.
Like as if you are observing someone else living their life.

Like how one day, you wake up, realising that you might die one day.
Taking living for granted, each breath and each heart beat.
It feels so surreal.

Like I am struck in someone's else body, seeing her vision of things.
Almost as if I am able to cast off this shell, flow and be free....

I wonder what true freedom means.
I wonder what heaven is like.
Who am I exactly?
Why doesn't anything seem to have a definite answer?

Is this life and what reality is suppose to mean?
All this suffering and pain, love and hate. All the emotion mixed together.

Time passing so fast every second, slipping through your mind and emotions.
Washing away everything. Like as if it happen a long time ago.

What is a long time? How long must it be?
What is a short time? Few seconds?

Taking a breather

Over here, at home, using com, definitely NOT doing my work.
Not exactly enjoying life, kind of slacking.
Waiting for too much time to slip then panic.
Start work maybe for an hour than go sleep?

Gosh...What a work habit.
Not my fault! My body just...went into the holiday mode. ;P
Feel bad for my partner. Honestly,
normally, I would't be this bad.
I would take my work seriously

Guess its too much and everyone having a limit.
But somehow my "break" isn't helping me
What to do?
Seriously, if only I could type out info for my research as fast as typing out my blog.

All those cross referencing. All those sources...
So tiring... =_=.....
The rushing of time, the never ending workload,
accompanied my overwhelming stress and crashing pressure

Maybe I am just too tired to care.
Whatever.
Lets hope I start work soon.
I pray.