A Lone Island

I hate how easily you stirred up my emotions
I hate how easily you can reduced me to nothing with just words alone
I hate how easily I died a little inside each time

I hate how easily I fall and crumpled
I hate how all my achievement and effort gets reduced to ashes
I hate how easily I doubt myself and lose confidence
I hate how much I hate myself

The part of me that hates you
In the end, nothing change

But this time I got wings that will take away
to a place without you
away from your poisonous words
disapproval and disappointment

A place where the only important person is me and me alone.

Human nature

I find humans disgusting, even myself

Human nature at the worst of times, 

are even worse than beast. 

Things like monsters, ghost, zombies, and vampires

aren't scary or bad at all

Nothing is scarier than

monster wearing human skin 

We created that monster ourselves

We all have that little ugly evil creature inside of us

We are the ones feeding it, nurturing it 

hiding it behind our smiling faces

We lie, we hurt, we stab each other in the back

sometimes, I can't even recognise myself

Humans can get so desperate

so pitiful that its ugly

sometimes I even wonder 

why do humans exist

Yet, we all have that innocence inside

something we need to accomplish

someone we treasure

something we can't let go off

that thing we are willing to die for

die of

Humans at best, can accomplish great things

things beyond imaginable

Humans at worst, no words can describe the horrors

just beyond help

Spare Tire

I think the worst way to treat a person

is to use them only when you need them

then leave them alone when you don't need them

No one likes being treat like a spare tire

I don't like to be alone sometimes

but I sure don't want to be treat that way either

I am still trying to learn about the line

how to distinguish you

Just treat them politely and leave it at there

I am learning now

how to do things alone

and be alone again. 

Its lonely. A bit sad.

But its better than being used.

Sick of social relationships

they are so hard to deal with

Worries

The sky is blue but the sun isn't coming out.

There is a musky smell in this room.

And a deep hole in my chest.

My brain is working away furiously

trying to come up with solutions

My brain hurts from just trying to think

My heart aches

I don't want to think or do anything

I just want to lie down

scream

run away from reality.

People crowd

Room trapped

Worries run

Silence scream

Buried Secrets

I always had this tiny flame burning in me
A flame I had always hidden and try to forget
A lot of times, I always regret not fanning my flame
A lot of times, I tried to kill it and buried it deep down

But I guess hopes and dreams never dies
it takes root in your heart
fill every breathing moment
and lie await in your mind

I guess maybe I was scared
scared of the thorny and dark path ahead
I guess I wasn't confident enough
I made excuses and didn't fight for what I want

Both me were and are still struck
The me whom you entrust your dreams upon
The me whom want to chase after my dreams
The me whom just want to be free. Be Me.

I am not here. Not there.
I don't even know if what I am doing is right anymore.
I didn't want to make you cry.
But now, I am the one crying

Tears of regret
Tears of sadness
Tears of helpless
Tears that kept collecting in my heart

I try to hide my flame away
I try to buried it deep but it kept aching
I try to kill it but I would only be killing myself
I try to throw it away

Trying to block my sight from it
Trying to repress it
Trying to runaway
Trying to hide it

But who was I trying to kid?
My flame would always be there
though small but burning and alive
I could never make it go away

How could I?
It was and still is a part of me
A candle of warmth for a tired and lonely traveller
A warm dream for the lost and hopeless

I would always treasure it
this flame, I don't want it to die
I want to make it burn so bright
that it will imprint on everyone's eyes

So that they wouldn't forget
So that I would't forget
Being able to dream is a wonderful thing
Not being able to fulfil it
is like trying to deny yourself

Right now, I still don't have the ability to
But I hope, to the me, in the future
Don't be afraid to take risk. Believe. Try.
Dream wide. Aim far. Fly with all you got.

This flame in you.
I will keep it for you for now
Its a deep wound of regret that constantly aches
So I hope you heal it soon.

You were never weak at all.
You were just scared and afraid.
You found it so hard to believe.
I hope you would find it.
In the future.

Don't forget, ok? :)
This little tiny beautiful flame
the tiny yet brightest light in the darkness
It will always be there waiting for you.

Security

I should be feeling happy.
This what I mean by a roller coaster ride of emotions
I am very insecure :(
I hate that

I want to learn to be more assertive
I want to learn to be more independent
I need to be stronger

Sometimes, I don't know what I am doing right
I don't know if I am too reliant on people as well
Am I annoying?

Do I do weird things?
Am I too obvious?
I don't even know

Urg....Hate having to deal with relationship
The feeling of wanting to runaway and be a hermit
is sometimes so tempting

Villain

How do you explain this feeling?

Where something good become bad

Where like become dislike

How did it end up this way?

I wanted to be nice.

But end up I became the villain.

This happened before

3 years ago

Is this a test?

To see what decision I make?

A chance to make it better?

Its taking the same route again

Except faster

Sometimes I get so confused

Am I mean 

I wanted to be kind

How did it turn out like this? 

 

Having a crush

Ok, I need to let it out.

I have a crush.

But I feel weird.
I don't know if I actually like him or not.
You have to admit, that you like someone first,
based on their looks.
It feels weird because no one thinks he is handsome
except for me.
All of them prefer this other guy.
Wonder if I am weird.

At first I really like him,
there was this fluttering feeling
after a while, it was just this mild fluttering
does it mean I am weird?
does it mean I don't like him anymore?

I still find it so hard to talk to him
I think I still like him. URG. I DON'T KNOW
Stupid guy! Make me think of you like this ><
Stupid guy! Make me worry like this!
OMG...I want to kill myself.
I just......................................
urg.....where is the hole to bury myself? /_\

How long do you have to know someone before dating them
I want to know him more actually
But he is so popular
he might not even like or notice me
sigh..... I feel like an idiot
What am I even writing on this blog

If only I could stop it
I don't know if I only like him out of loneliness
or cause I want to date someone
I don't think those are the right reasons to date a person
only make yourself look despo

He is funny. Playful. Have a beautiful smile and eyes.
I like him. sigh...no one can really be an lonely island,can they?
oh wells. what to do? Like as if you can choose who to like.
Hopefully I can talk to him more

Anyone can dream

I know that real life and manga are different

love isn't perfect or exciting like manga

where the main guy and main girl like each other

in fact, it might just be a one-sided crush

But I still wonder how does it feel like?

To bask in the love the person shower you with

To be looked upon like you are all 

that the person is ever going to need

How does it feel like so loved and so needed 

by another person whom you love?

Feelings so strong that you don't want to part with them

you are willing to bet the rest of your life with them

I wonder how it feels like

to be so safe and secure within another person's embrace

waking up next to your loved one

Having everything in set of twos

Having someone care about you when you are sick

Just simply having someone by your side

Whispers of sweet nothings and promises of futures

Sharing and support of dreams and endless laughter

I think even though people want to be strong and be independent

sometimes, its just good to go back home

and have someone welcome you back

Someone who knows when you're missing or feeling sad

Someone who cares

Someone who wants you in their life

to be part of their world

build their dreams and inspiration with them 

Then what happened?

Life isn't happily ever after...

when the honeymoon phrase is over

does the image break as well?

Can love really hold out through it all?

the sweet and tender moments of love 

are really so precious and pure

that it makes you want to cry

The couples I admired the most

aren't couples that look picture perfect

but old couples still holding hands

slowly supporting each other

even though both of them are weak

I wonder what do people remember most about their love?

Was it the wedding? How they first met? Their first kiss?

How they patched up after their first big fight? 

Most of all, what maintained their love?

I always needed you

Mama, Dd,

Please lend me your power.
To fight this illness so that I can score on my test.
I don't want this illness to be the reason for the results of my test.
I want it to be based on my own ability.

Mum, if only you were here,
you did know what to do.
No matter what it just felt reassuring to have someone there.
I never realise the comfort and security that your presence bring.

I miss you all so much.
But I don't want you to worry.
Who knew all the time, when i wanted to get out of the house,
now that i am out,
I just want to run back to your arms.
 

Goals

Since coming here, I decided to change.

I am not going to rush.
Been there. Done there.
Didn't help. I only got anxiety attacks.
Sleepless nights spent on worrying.
Depressed, wondering if I will make it through.

So I am going at my own pace.
I am not to rush. I am going to do whats best for me.
I am not going to listen to you anymore.
Study. Take a break. Stop worrying. Rest. :)

I also want to be a better person than I was yesterday.
My only demon is me.
Its still a bit hard to change my mindset. :P
Its so hard not to follow the crowd especially when you want to fit in.
But the price you have to pay in the end...Its not worth it for me.

Because I want to be happy.
Everyone deserve happiness.
Thing is, we have to fight for it.
I lost sight to it since I was so caught up in everyone's pace.
So I am trying to find it again now.

I will take less papers because I am still trying to get use to everything.
I will be scared but still swallow my fear, and open my mouth to make friends.
I will cry because I am scared.
I will worry because everything is still so new.
I will laugh because there are many reasons to be happy.
I will work hard because I want to achieve good grades.
I will play because I like to! :D
I will join events because I want to.
I will be happy because I deserve to.

I am not going to be like any one of the people in the crowd anymore.
You might think I am a loser. But I am over that now.
Look at yourself. Your bury heads down everyday, grumbling about life.
Frowning over your phone or work. Walking fast, not seeing anything around you.
 Forever unhappy. Forever unsatisfied. Why did I try so hard to be like you?
Sure, you are successful. You are rich. You are what everyone dreams to be. I used to as well.
But I am not happy. I want to be happy. I want to stop hating myself. I want to love myself.

I maybe weak but what to do? :) Thats me. The weak little me. Still, I keep trying everyday.
I will walk at my own pace now. Admire the flowers and trees. Look at the broad sky. :) I like it better like that. Bye bye. Old life. :)

Just keep breathing

If I can go crazy, I will go crazy for you to see.

Sigh.....

I wonder just how much a heart a takes. 

I want to be strong.

In fact, I know I need to be strong.

But where does the strength and courage 

I need come from?

Its hard to not feel alone when you actually are

It hard not to feel weak when you are alone

Its very hard not to feel scared when you are alone

Its harder to be stronger when you are just you

Its just so hard

I need to smile

Act

Pretend

as long as it was

Anything but myself

I have to keep trying

I can't fall

I really feel like going crazy

I don't want to feel scared, lost or lonely

All I want is just to be happy

Why does happiness seem so far away?

Being an "Adult"

I am finally here.

Miles away from home.

The scary thing is my brain knows this fact but my heart doesn't process it.
I think I am crazy when I make the decision to come here, I know that great things only come out through crazy decision. I know that its only hard in the beginning.

I KNOW.

It just easy to know yet hard to master those wise words.

It hard remembering thats it worth what I give up for when I stare at this empty quiet freezing room with nothing familiar in it. I had to grow up. I can't continue this "adulting" pharse. I need to be the adult.

An adult solve their own problem
because they are old enough to.
An adult does everything by herself
because they are old enough to.
An adult doesn't cry or throw tantrum
because they are old enough not to.
An adult socialise with other adult
because they are adults.

But because they are adults,
they forgotten what it is like to be a child.
The child in them lays dormant
because they need to grow up.
The child in them sometimes cry to sleep too.
The child in them sometimes feels lonely and wants a hug.
The child in them is calling for help.
But because they are adults,
they put on a brave front, hide their child in them
and face the world.
Not because they are old enough to.
Not because they are adults.
But because if they don't adult enough to face the world,
they are scared the world they work so hard for, will just fall apart.

The Blues

There is no one likely to read this, not even my friends since all their blog have been declared dead. So if you are, let this just be a secret between the two of us. No one else will know but then again there isn't anyone to know.

I am going to school tomorrow.
A new school is a new place in a new country.
I thought the most difficult part of the journey is all the paperwork and payment to get me there. I totally overestimated it.

The hardest part is being all alone in a foreign country.
You are all alone. There is nothing familiar about this place. Everything is new, jumping out in your face and all your 5 senses get overwhelm. Sensory Overload.

The worst part is at random times, certain things make suddenly hit you with a wave of homesickness. Makes you question what heck are you doing here. Makes you wonder why did you put in so much effort to kick yourself out of the place you called home. ;_;

To my mummy, daddy and bro,

If you ever stumble or find out about this blog, please know that there is something I regret not doing when we said our farewells.

I forget to tell you "I love you."

I hope for now, you don't find out about this blog. I don't want you to worry or know that I am having homesickness. I want you to know that I am happy, well and still trying to settled down.

Stuck in the dark but you are my flash light

I thought I was walking all alone in this dark

I thought I didn't have anyone

that I needed to be strong all alone

that I can't depend on anyone

But actually all along,

there was someone there.

With all this darkness

pulling me down

I almost can't see

I almost lost hope

while screaming and crying

for any hope left

All along, you were there.

I just couldn't see.

All I saw was despair.

All I had was anger, sadness and anxiety.

Now I see.

I see it now. 

Please don't leave.

I need you.

I always needed you.

Free Falling

Now that most of the things have been confirmed, though there are still a lot of things to do.

I am trying to get myself to believe that it is real and that its happening.
Real soon.
I feel like I am free-falling. Like Alice in the Wonderland.
Taking a lot of chances.
The nerves keep coming in though, I have to keep reminding myself.
Why and for what, I came here in the first place.
I haven't told her the news yet ;(

I still recall how my friend cried that night.
Suddenly I don't want them to come, I don't want them to see me cry.
Yet I really really want them to be with me.

Actually I miss them like crazy, even now.
When I wait at the bus stop, I will be wondering what are they doing?
Are they having a good day? Do they have someone to rely on?
I wonder if they know this song? I wonder if they remember that time?
I wonder most of all, if they think about me like I think about them? :/
I know it sounds weird- like a boyfriend thing.

It is and it isn't at the same time.
I remember this post on how "My close friend is my soulmate in the close friend way"
That sentence really describes how I feel exactly.
I never thought that I would ever get close to anyone but things just happen.
And I am happier than before. ;)

Fears

Okay. Here goes.

I have enough of everything. First is all the paperwork for all of my life.

It requires SO MUCH things. I am not joking. Just preparation alone took me a few months and guess what? Still not done, still not submitted.
As if that is not enough, there are a lot of other paper work to rub it in myself with the same deadline. =_= Best thing is, too many accounts, too many passwords to remember. And its not the simple "forgot your password?"-Send-email-to-reset-password-kind. Must be the go-all-the-way-down-to-the-place-to-reset-password-kind. Thank you for adding on to my misery. :)

Next thing is my parents. I have no idea why are they helping me do free advertisement about my tiresome paperwork. Its SUPER DUPER ANNOYING to answer all my relative's question- the same ones over and over and over and over and over again! >(( Like what the heck does it even have to do with you? I should have kept my damn mouth shut. Its stress enough to be dealing with all this paperwork alone with no one to help, I don't need any extra reminders, thank you.

I am drowning with uncertainty and doubt right now. I know its too late to be thinking this way especially after i fought a tooth and nail for it. What else can I say. I am scared. But I can't tell anyone because they heard this nonsense before and nothing anyone can say will ease the fears away. I keep hypnotising myself with all the reasons I convinced other people, but they sound so swallow and weak to my ears now. I can't stand my pathetic self right now. There is no one to rely on. I need to toughen up and be independent. Because even if I cry for help, no one even knows how to help me. If I fall now, all that I fight so hard for, will go to waste. I need to be strong now and not waver.

I keep feeling like I am running of time for everything. Its like there is so much things to do but not enough tine. When will I ever stop feeling like this. I am tired. There are so many times I want to take the easy way out, but I come so far, it will be so wasted. All the paperwork, time, stress, money and worry. I can do this. I just to keep believing in it.

A quilt of memories

Memories are like bits and pieces of fraying fabric
Sometimes you learn a lesson
Other times, a spark of a strong emotions
Some are lesson of your firsts
Others are things you regret
Times you share with others
Gifts that others give you
Some old before their time
like a faded Polaroid
other fresh as yesterday
Achievements so important then
so meaningless now
Somehow all this bits and pieces
mismatched and fraying
joined and sewn
seam to seam
forming and laying
a foundation
reminding you of what you were
and being who you are now

An old promise

Its a new year. This year is going to be different.
A lot of things are going to change.
So I am just jumping out of my comfort zone - Free fall
No Safety net.
The irony.
Never thought that one day, I would be going against everything I swear.
All those promises. That small girl with lonely eyes and sad face.
Somehow life and age seem to change perspective over time,
yet those strong feelings still remain.
I just hope she wouldn't end up crying again...