Inner voices

I wouldn't let it happen

panic overwhelming me

I will focus on what I can do

There is so much to do

I will do what I can

there is so little time

I gotta stop panicking

Its just making it worse

I am trying not to think about it

Help..

Its ok. I can do this.

@&^%*T%

RELAX. Breathe.

Its suffocating

Shut up, inner voices!

So much fear

Concentrate!

Oh my freak. Oh my freak.

Its ok!

Who am I trying to kid?

Focus. I can do this.

I want to run away from reality right now.

I am strong! I can do this!

><

I can do this. Shut up, stupid inner voices. I am going to prove you all wrong!!!

I am just me. The imperfect little me

Maybe we were enemies in our past life

that why we keep hurting each other

your words and my decisions

I can't be what you wish for

bringing nothing but disappointment to you

sometimes, even I feel sad for you

Maybe if you had another child

or someone who can give you everything

you wouldn't be this sad or angry

Being with you 

makes me feel like being a broken doll

broken beyond repair

I wonder what is it I am lacking

that makes you so unhappy

I honestly don't know

Somehow failing all the invisible test

breaking all the unspoken rules

until I don't know what is right or wrong anymore

Why are you always so explosive?

Why are you always so miserable?

Why can't you just be happy?

Treading on the broken glass around you

I see myself breaking more and more each day

Who or what am I now?

I am trying so hard to be perfect

Honest

I tried. I somehow just can't.

I am sorry

Trying to please you

Trying to make you happy

is so tiring

I just want to disappear

fade away even

since my existence caused you nothing but pain

 I am just me

no matter how imperfect or how lacking

Its who I am

bye now,

I have to go.

If can, I pray that you will someday find happiness

without me.

I am sure you did be a lot happier

smiling even

like how you always used to

even though its gone now

because of me

I hope that you would be able find it back someday ~

Whoa, Been MIA for sooooooooo long.......

Wonder if anyone even read this blog anymore. 

Just an update, on my final project now.

Its crazy. Especially when you have anew lecturer taking charge of you. Hmmmm...

Anyway, for the future. I got a rough idea but no confirm plan. Haven't start researching on it, to be honest, I think I am just being a chicken and trying not to think about it... :/ Its scary.

I actually got a lot of things I want to rant about but there are simply too much and I am simply to tired to say? 

The pitch black darkness scares me

I can't see

my feet are rooted to the ground

fear parlaying me

Unable to move

Unable to make a single sound

Trembling at the unknown

wanting to escape what I don't know

Rays of soft moonbeams 

bathe me in their light

steadying my unstable heartbeat

chasing away the darkness

But the fears always have a way of creeping in

I ran, I scream, I shout, I cried

Nobody was there

There was no help to come

A slip of a food

suddenly I was sinking into a dark abyss

ice cold liquid 

spiking me into unconsciousness  

Harsh Truths

I want to believe that this world is not bad
that this world is not cold
that even though I may be full of wounds and scars today
I can still believe that tomorrow will be a better day

I want to believe that you can change
I want to believe that you still can love
But its so hard
Trapped within your own thorns and old scars

You blindly hurt everyone around you
Breaking and cursing at all the hearts around you
I want to run far away
Back to the point of time when I was free

Free from you and your abuses
I am tired
My tears are enough to fill a sea
yet you still wouldn't be able to see
the hidden pain you caused

Reality can get so cold and cruel at times
Its so hard to try to get up every single time
Falling hurts beyond imagination
Every rejection stabs deeply

Sometimes, I just want to fade into nothing
So that I don't have to face you anymore
So that I don't have to face such a day anymore
So that I don't have to hurt like this anymore

Everything irritates me now

I hate today.

I am so sick of trying so hard, nothing comes out of it.

Nobody appreciates the amount of effort anyone puts in

My parents just assumes I slack the whole day

I keep trying and redoing but nothing comes out right

TODAY SUCKS!

Almost could see the end then I was sent tumbling back down to the start

Lost in my concept

Haven't start on my research

Still need to worry about about other modules and work

Need to sketch some more.

@$%&%$@

All I want want is some peace and quiet, thanks for ruining it.

I am seriously starting to hate the everything now.

Hate you, today.

Back to work

Temptation

Temptation is a sweet honey trap

slowly luring you in

Despite knowing the consequences

Despite knowing the outcome is fruitless

But you slowly get enslaved inside

As you are being slowly seduce

by the time you wake up

you are drowning

Regret, sadness, panic

all this feeling collide at one

resulting in grasping for survival

why do I always fall for it

knowing what pains it may me

Why do I always know that its fruitless

yet still try to hold on to that thread of hope

hoping for a miracle to happen

Am I too naive and foolish?

or perhaps just to weak willed?

maybe I haven't fall hard enough

cause I keep thinking about turning back time

its too late now

for regrets

  

Too much wounds and scars

We are on different frequency

I feel like we are 2 pieces of magnet

forever repelling each other

I don't understand why you always have to talk in a way

that make me sound stupid and you are more superior

I don't understand why we can't have a conversation 

without you ending up rising your voice

and make it sound like the world is going to end

Why is it that everything has to always be about you?

Why do you think that you are the only one 

who would get tired, who would hurt?

You are so full of bitterness

That you end up poisoning everyone around you

Don't you realise you are pushing everyone away?

I don't expect you to support

but can you at least not push me

 further down this H*** hole I am already in?!!

What in the world is WRONG with you?

Why is it other people are forever full of flaws?

Why can't you see yours?

I hate you so much

It is hurting me

You can't see

I don't bother talking

This is going nowhere

I miss my life of independence

it may not be as comfortable or good

but I don't have to withstand verbal abuses everyday

I don't get pulled down by you and your hateful words

Out there, there are actually people who believe in me

who encourage me

who understand me

I don't expect you to understand me

I don't expect you to be loving and caring

But realise you are hurting everyone you love

Too much scars and wounds

will cause people to leave you

I at least hope that our relationship wouldn't be so bad

but I want to leave you

At this rate,

 I will just be dragged back to those dark days again.  

I don't want to ever go back anymore

The countryside house

Bye bye

Going to miss you.
The trees, the fields, the fresh air
the smile, the laughter, the friendliness

The bumpy ride out
The frog in the toilet bowl
The spiders everywhere
Lizards all about

Hand washing all the clothes
Drying in the sun
Early morning rays
calling us up

Million tiny stars
Soft moonbeams
Lighting our way home

The bonds of friendship

I want you to know

even if you leave

I will never forget you

because you have left an imprint in my heart

Even if in the coming future

we don't talk to each other anymore

I will still stalk you on Facebook

to check up on how you are doing

That even if you are miles away

Over the ocean and across the land

As long as you are happy and alive

under this beautiful blue sky

Know that I will be happy too

I know that everyone will sad to part words

but understand that the bonds of friendship

can't be broken that easily

Even if I can't be there

Even if there comes a day,

you forget my face

I will still forever miss you

Everything is in the hands of fate

and a bond that is managed by two

Both effort have to be made 

to maintain this burning flame

to keep it from dying out

But remember that everything 

goes through a passage of time

Everything fades

and turns into wonderful memories

Memories that made you who you are

Memories that brought you to today

As long as I have left footprints in your heart

that is more than enough

Definitely, even for me

It is tough to say goodbye

but you can't embrace your future

if you forever stay in the past

People come, People go

Every beginning is a new chapter in your life

For all of us,

It just the beginning

Just remember,

I will always be here

whenever you need me

Don't forget

All these beautiful memories

that we shared

though short but sweet

will stay in our hearts. 

Words that I will never say....

You were lost 

and you needed me

but I know not where you are 

Know that for you, 

no matter the fear and danger

I would still go and save you

Down the memory lane,

I could once again see your sweet smile

and bask in your joy and innocent

However, all too fast,

you run away,

Out of my sight

You disappeared

I was so scared

Where are you?

In search of you

All I had, was a head full of thoughts

and a heart full of you

Knowing that you are crying somewhere

all alone and scared

in need of me

Despite my fears and insecurities

Despite the fact I am just an ordinary girl

I would still fight against the whole world

If I have to

Just for you

Because you are precious

Too important to me

Someone I don't want to ever live without

Just thinking about it

I can't breathe

It was such a nightmare

when I realised you disappear

somewhere I don't know

Somewhere out of my reach

that I immediately woke up from this nightmare 

because I don't want to ever have to experience this feeling

ever again

A pain so unreal

yet makes you feel like your heart got ripped apart

and you can only scream and cry inside

Please....

I begging you

Don't leave 

Don't go

I need you so much

These words that I can never say...