Goals

Since coming here, I decided to change.

I am not going to rush.
Been there. Done there.
Didn't help. I only got anxiety attacks.
Sleepless nights spent on worrying.
Depressed, wondering if I will make it through.

So I am going at my own pace.
I am not to rush. I am going to do whats best for me.
I am not going to listen to you anymore.
Study. Take a break. Stop worrying. Rest. :)

I also want to be a better person than I was yesterday.
My only demon is me.
Its still a bit hard to change my mindset. :P
Its so hard not to follow the crowd especially when you want to fit in.
But the price you have to pay in the end...Its not worth it for me.

Because I want to be happy.
Everyone deserve happiness.
Thing is, we have to fight for it.
I lost sight to it since I was so caught up in everyone's pace.
So I am trying to find it again now.

I will take less papers because I am still trying to get use to everything.
I will be scared but still swallow my fear, and open my mouth to make friends.
I will cry because I am scared.
I will worry because everything is still so new.
I will laugh because there are many reasons to be happy.
I will work hard because I want to achieve good grades.
I will play because I like to! :D
I will join events because I want to.
I will be happy because I deserve to.

I am not going to be like any one of the people in the crowd anymore.
You might think I am a loser. But I am over that now.
Look at yourself. Your bury heads down everyday, grumbling about life.
Frowning over your phone or work. Walking fast, not seeing anything around you.
 Forever unhappy. Forever unsatisfied. Why did I try so hard to be like you?
Sure, you are successful. You are rich. You are what everyone dreams to be. I used to as well.
But I am not happy. I want to be happy. I want to stop hating myself. I want to love myself.

I maybe weak but what to do? :) Thats me. The weak little me. Still, I keep trying everyday.
I will walk at my own pace now. Admire the flowers and trees. Look at the broad sky. :) I like it better like that. Bye bye. Old life. :)

Just keep breathing

If I can go crazy, I will go crazy for you to see.

Sigh.....

I wonder just how much a heart a takes. 

I want to be strong.

In fact, I know I need to be strong.

But where does the strength and courage 

I need come from?

Its hard to not feel alone when you actually are

It hard not to feel weak when you are alone

Its very hard not to feel scared when you are alone

Its harder to be stronger when you are just you

Its just so hard

I need to smile

Act

Pretend

as long as it was

Anything but myself

I have to keep trying

I can't fall

I really feel like going crazy

I don't want to feel scared, lost or lonely

All I want is just to be happy

Why does happiness seem so far away?

Being an "Adult"

I am finally here.

Miles away from home.

The scary thing is my brain knows this fact but my heart doesn't process it.
I think I am crazy when I make the decision to come here, I know that great things only come out through crazy decision. I know that its only hard in the beginning.

I KNOW.

It just easy to know yet hard to master those wise words.

It hard remembering thats it worth what I give up for when I stare at this empty quiet freezing room with nothing familiar in it. I had to grow up. I can't continue this "adulting" pharse. I need to be the adult.

An adult solve their own problem
because they are old enough to.
An adult does everything by herself
because they are old enough to.
An adult doesn't cry or throw tantrum
because they are old enough not to.
An adult socialise with other adult
because they are adults.

But because they are adults,
they forgotten what it is like to be a child.
The child in them lays dormant
because they need to grow up.
The child in them sometimes cry to sleep too.
The child in them sometimes feels lonely and wants a hug.
The child in them is calling for help.
But because they are adults,
they put on a brave front, hide their child in them
and face the world.
Not because they are old enough to.
Not because they are adults.
But because if they don't adult enough to face the world,
they are scared the world they work so hard for, will just fall apart.

The Blues

There is no one likely to read this, not even my friends since all their blog have been declared dead. So if you are, let this just be a secret between the two of us. No one else will know but then again there isn't anyone to know.

I am going to school tomorrow.
A new school is a new place in a new country.
I thought the most difficult part of the journey is all the paperwork and payment to get me there. I totally overestimated it.

The hardest part is being all alone in a foreign country.
You are all alone. There is nothing familiar about this place. Everything is new, jumping out in your face and all your 5 senses get overwhelm. Sensory Overload.

The worst part is at random times, certain things make suddenly hit you with a wave of homesickness. Makes you question what heck are you doing here. Makes you wonder why did you put in so much effort to kick yourself out of the place you called home. ;_;

To my mummy, daddy and bro,

If you ever stumble or find out about this blog, please know that there is something I regret not doing when we said our farewells.

I forget to tell you "I love you."

I hope for now, you don't find out about this blog. I don't want you to worry or know that I am having homesickness. I want you to know that I am happy, well and still trying to settled down.

Stuck in the dark but you are my flash light

I thought I was walking all alone in this dark

I thought I didn't have anyone

that I needed to be strong all alone

that I can't depend on anyone

But actually all along,

there was someone there.

With all this darkness

pulling me down

I almost can't see

I almost lost hope

while screaming and crying

for any hope left

All along, you were there.

I just couldn't see.

All I saw was despair.

All I had was anger, sadness and anxiety.

Now I see.

I see it now. 

Please don't leave.

I need you.

I always needed you.

Free Falling

Now that most of the things have been confirmed, though there are still a lot of things to do.

I am trying to get myself to believe that it is real and that its happening.
Real soon.
I feel like I am free-falling. Like Alice in the Wonderland.
Taking a lot of chances.
The nerves keep coming in though, I have to keep reminding myself.
Why and for what, I came here in the first place.
I haven't told her the news yet ;(

I still recall how my friend cried that night.
Suddenly I don't want them to come, I don't want them to see me cry.
Yet I really really want them to be with me.

Actually I miss them like crazy, even now.
When I wait at the bus stop, I will be wondering what are they doing?
Are they having a good day? Do they have someone to rely on?
I wonder if they know this song? I wonder if they remember that time?
I wonder most of all, if they think about me like I think about them? :/
I know it sounds weird- like a boyfriend thing.

It is and it isn't at the same time.
I remember this post on how "My close friend is my soulmate in the close friend way"
That sentence really describes how I feel exactly.
I never thought that I would ever get close to anyone but things just happen.
And I am happier than before. ;)

Fears

Okay. Here goes.

I have enough of everything. First is all the paperwork for all of my life.

It requires SO MUCH things. I am not joking. Just preparation alone took me a few months and guess what? Still not done, still not submitted.
As if that is not enough, there are a lot of other paper work to rub it in myself with the same deadline. =_= Best thing is, too many accounts, too many passwords to remember. And its not the simple "forgot your password?"-Send-email-to-reset-password-kind. Must be the go-all-the-way-down-to-the-place-to-reset-password-kind. Thank you for adding on to my misery. :)

Next thing is my parents. I have no idea why are they helping me do free advertisement about my tiresome paperwork. Its SUPER DUPER ANNOYING to answer all my relative's question- the same ones over and over and over and over and over again! >(( Like what the heck does it even have to do with you? I should have kept my damn mouth shut. Its stress enough to be dealing with all this paperwork alone with no one to help, I don't need any extra reminders, thank you.

I am drowning with uncertainty and doubt right now. I know its too late to be thinking this way especially after i fought a tooth and nail for it. What else can I say. I am scared. But I can't tell anyone because they heard this nonsense before and nothing anyone can say will ease the fears away. I keep hypnotising myself with all the reasons I convinced other people, but they sound so swallow and weak to my ears now. I can't stand my pathetic self right now. There is no one to rely on. I need to toughen up and be independent. Because even if I cry for help, no one even knows how to help me. If I fall now, all that I fight so hard for, will go to waste. I need to be strong now and not waver.

I keep feeling like I am running of time for everything. Its like there is so much things to do but not enough tine. When will I ever stop feeling like this. I am tired. There are so many times I want to take the easy way out, but I come so far, it will be so wasted. All the paperwork, time, stress, money and worry. I can do this. I just to keep believing in it.

A quilt of memories

Memories are like bits and pieces of fraying fabric
Sometimes you learn a lesson
Other times, a spark of a strong emotions
Some are lesson of your firsts
Others are things you regret
Times you share with others
Gifts that others give you
Some old before their time
like a faded Polaroid
other fresh as yesterday
Achievements so important then
so meaningless now
Somehow all this bits and pieces
mismatched and fraying
joined and sewn
seam to seam
forming and laying
a foundation
reminding you of what you were
and being who you are now

An old promise

Its a new year. This year is going to be different.
A lot of things are going to change.
So I am just jumping out of my comfort zone - Free fall
No Safety net.
The irony.
Never thought that one day, I would be going against everything I swear.
All those promises. That small girl with lonely eyes and sad face.
Somehow life and age seem to change perspective over time,
yet those strong feelings still remain.
I just hope she wouldn't end up crying again...

Never good enough

I am me. 

It should just be that.

No more, no less.

I decide my worth.

I know I will never be good enough for you

no matter how hard I try.

I know. 

But why is it, 

my head know this, 

my heart also know this, 

yet I still hope

Like a straight little fool

I still hope

Hope that you will wait

Hope that you will listen

Do you know,

a little part of me dies.

Every single time,

Every DAMN time

Harden frown

Vicious tongue

Stabbing words

Angry brows

Most of all,

Disappointment 

written all over your face

underlined in your words

I keep running

never stop running

running till I am out of breath

running from all the hurt and pain

running from your rage

running from your words

hiding from your disappointment

hiding from the hate

But I never do

I could never out run you

Never out run pain

Never out run hope

I dunno what to do now.

I dunno how to stop hoping.

I dunno how to stop hurting.