Crying without tears

It hurts a lot. But I can't cry. My heart seem to be the only organ functioning, feeling the blow of her stabbing words over and over again.

  Is it because I am weak and powerless as a kid thats why you hurt me?
  Is it because I am defenseless and can't stand up for myself
  thats why you insult me over and over again?
  Is this the type of "love treatment " that other people shower their loved ones with?

Its hurting. And I don't know how to fixed this broken self. Caught in between everything. I can only be frozen like a doll, defenseless, unable to hear anything. All numb yet somewhere inside, its breaking. Its almost as if there is a black hole inside of me, threatening to eat me up too.

Living is already hard enough yet you have to make it harder. Adults....

A great way to start the new year.

Swing Swing~

Swing Swing~ Swing me away
Swing me away, far from this place.
Drinking the golden dew drops of the sun, 
surrounded with the perfume of the earth.


Swing me higher than the mountains,
Farther than the fields,
right into the soft and gentle clouds,
taking in the beautiful blue before me.


Then landing down, with hair all over my face :D
eyes glittering...out of breath...cheeks glowing pink..Hahaha ^^

The tree outside my window

I realised a lot of things.

You don't die of heartbreak, struggles and pain, You only wish you had.

Sometimes, I look at the tree outside the window. Feeling that I am like an greenhouse flower compared it. Yet I am already half wilting as compared to it. Despite being grown it an urban surrounding, it seems to still be able to grow so strong and tall.

All you have to do is look at it, to feel this soft sad atmosphere surrounding it. When the wind blows, the spirit of the tree seems to come out and play. Both laughing so carefree and dancing so majestically. When it rains, droplets of water hang on the leaves like pearls glistening in light. While the wet earth enveloped the tree like its perfume, musky yet familiar.

Birds building their home on the tree, safe and warm. But humans chopped off the branches, not heeding to its cries and screams, you can't hear it. However, you can feel it in your bones, the tingling movement that seems to pierce your heart. Their silent scream. All the sudden, you just feel yourself crying without tears inside.

The tree outside my window. So ordinary like any other tree yet you could feel this connection with it. 

Eyes close, Heart out

   Closing my eyes, I wonder if I could see the world better that way. I can be blind to my own pain and sufferings but see other peoples' one clearer instead.

  But what makes me angry is that I can't help them. This helplessness. This uselessness. It makes me sad that I can only watch the person fall further and only be there for them.

  Not knowing what to say. Not knowing how to help. I can only hug and cry with them because they are suffering. It makes my heart bleed for them too. I want to do much more. So much more.

  When a person is not vain, then they can care for others.
  When a person went through the same suffering, then they can understand and help.
  When a person focuses on other people's problem, it help them to face theirs' better
  When a person help others, it makes them feel needed, it makes them feel wanted. It makes them feel important. :)

  Thanks for teaching me so much things~ to my very special friend. Hahaha >< But she wouldn't know cause she doesn't know my blog.

Going Crazy from love

You idiot! Idiot! IDIOT!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I want to kick you, Strangle you and I don't know! Damn it.  I like you a lot thats why I wanted to give up on you. But now you are doing things that make me misunderstand and feel hopeful again.

   Damn it! Can people just have signs? For example : I am interested in you or  I only see you as a friend or You are not important to me. Especially when you are SO HARD to read!!!


  Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!!!!! >< I should just bang my head against the wall. There : problem solved. No, wait. Best way: Extract my heart out. I feel better that way....Kidding

  Who ask me to out of so many thousand zillion million people to have fallen for you? Not that I regret it because its been one of the best moments of my life knowing you and liking you.

  Hahaha....at this rate, I might die of a heart attack. Not a literal one
 

On a dull dark morning like this....

I would want to skip school and fly away to a far away place..
        Wondering how the stars work?
                   Watching over the passer-by.
                       pretending I am not there. Invisible.
                              It feels like a dream that is real. Surreal

I want to close my eyes. And explore my own world.
        I would be at a solitary forest and lying at a patch of grass
                Climbing up a tree and hugging that tree. Feeling its soul
                       Or floating upon a lake, feeling rain drops fall on my face.
                              Maybe dancing with the wind on top of a cliff as free as I want
                                   Or just find a place closest to the night sky, listening to the stars sing

far far away...from this world.

far far away... fly away

lets runaway....

Self struggle

I want to pretend everything is okay. I want to pretend for a while that I am strong.

I know I can be strong but I can't help feeling vunervable in this storm

I know I can do it if I believe but so many doubts and judgements constantly attack me

I want to face this storm but I feel like a warrior fighting without amour

I just want to close my eyes, scream and runaway, hide into my fantasy glass world

But reality and problems will often cruelly claw me back

Thorns of roses cruelly blinded my eyes but it doesn't stop making me want roses

Like a drug I can't get away from, I am sick of this weak, pathetic self

Now I only feel like collasping and sleep away.....

I want to become stronger as a person

I want to become better as a person

I am constatly trying to improve myself everyday

I am putting and trying my best everyday

I know that I can do it

I can become a person I can be proud of

I can be a strong person that I want to

and I can stop being so weak,

stop feeling so helpless

stop acting so patethic



I want to believe. Believe that I always have it in me. I can do anything I want. I can. I Can. I CAN!

 I want to believe. I need to believe. I have to believe. 

Today

Today is a day when I want to bash people, mince them into pieces,  strangle someone. Perhaps learn some black magic to curse and Curse and CURSE!!!! *&%&$#@#  

 For today, I shall name that person "@".

I am okay with @ at first till one day, okay, lets not talk abt it if not this list will go on and on.

Anyway, I just want to wring @'s neck right now. This person @ can say my work is not gd enough. @ can say my wk is not up to standard or not want @ is looking for. But this this THIS @#&%^# "@" call me one word. A word that I feel @ have no right whatsoever to say it.

 @ called me lazy

LAZY

I repeat

LAZY

This person called me "lazy". Does this person even know how much effort I try or even put in everyday? Does this person even know that I work so hard everyday? Ever freaking day of my life?

Does this person even know how much, how freaking much that that word.....that word affect me?

I work so HARD every freaking day because I want to get a scholarship to go university. I work so damn hard because I want to fulfill my mother's wish. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to be happy. I want to prove to her that I can be someone she can be proud of instead of often being that stupid, ignorant, fat and useless girl.

@ judge me just so easily that. Just cause of the low marks on my paper. Just cause I wasn't up to @'s standard. I have no idea what to say except for the fact that @ is a shallow person who only see appearances and judge people by marks. I really hate it. Seriously. @.

  Next. This person who shall be known as "#".

A nice person but annoying. I need to tell # that she is this close to pushing my anger button which is not easily to touch. # needs to watch out what she says. She says what she wants without knowing her limit, I guess. I need to tell her already. I can't tolerate it any longer. SIGH. Why do I always have to face this type of thing? 

Why do people use words so easily like that

hurting people?

Don't say I am too sensitive. Cause even if I am not, you have absolutely no right to use words to hurt people just because you assume that person is or just cause you think you are better and say it.

I hate people who are like that.

Good thing that happen- I keep bumping into my favorite person today.^^