Change

Okay. My dream catcher idea got kill by @.....which I somehow "foresaw" it. I keep trying to have back up plan but I didn't really think too hard on it till....My idea got KILLED...

I was trying to avoid sewing but either God want me to practice my sewing or face my fears or foresaw that my dream catcher couldn't sell thats why he arranged this turn of events.

I have to keep trying to remind myself that it is not the end of the world...but since I am a "here and now" person, I feel extremely thrown off balance at changes. I don't like changes...I am scared of losing that security. I am trying to be brave. I am trying to learn to be more adaptive or at least have plan B all the time.

Sometimes, no choice. you change because you have or you can't move without doing it. =_= |||

The Lone Star (Alpha)

Amid the laughter and sounds

A lone girl 

sits in a corner

hiding away from the rest of the world

Wearing ear piece

listening to music

trying to drown out the noise

pretending

that she is the only one in the world

that she is fine

that she didn't care and didn't give a damn

Yet that is this slight sting that exist in her heart

like she is missing something

something important

something or more like someone

Waiting is no use

but 

trying....is no use either

That someone needs to be special 

special enough...

to not feel awkward being silent with

for heart to feel at ease with

This kind of person 

just can't be anyone.

Sometimes the girl wonder

is she being too picky?

or scared because the old scar still hurts?

or is it because that person just haven't come along yet?

Is she too ordinary?

or is she too unique?

neither sounds good

No use thinking either

Let all these negative thoughts go to sleep

All the worries, all the trouble

throw to the wind.

Just drown in the soothing words of the song

and let the melody feel the empty soul

bringing a person far from reality

Nonsense

A human mind is very very very complex. To make things worse is everyone is different so its harder figuring it out. I think its better, to have someone who can see through you that easily would be scary.

I am writing nonsense that I dun even know what I am writing about so don't bother trying to understand it. I don't even know what nonsense i am spouting


Continuing....

Humans are actually full of contradiction which make sense. The best example, about how they want to be loved but reject love because they are afraid to get hurt.
Which makes me wonder for those authors whom write romance novels, did they conjure this story out of their wishful dreams or are they like the character in their books? Where their spouse eventually manage to convince them to fall in love with them?

I learn a new word about being cynical in love. I like to think that I am more realistic instead.
They said that if parents let children believe in fantasy and magic, these children will more likely be able to differentiate the difference between fantasy and reality. Well, I never have much of dream world. Snow White to me was just a cartoon, like most movies, watched and forgotten. (The more meaningful or the one you can relate to are the ones that will make a difference in your life but eventually it will fade too)

I only started knowing of fairies and gnomes when I was nine years old, the time when I like reading books. By that time, I already realised that these fantasy are only magic that you can once in a while to relieve yourself of problems and trouble in the world. Yet without a doubt, reality always win in the end. 

I don't like Disney, like Cinderella or Snow White. The female are too perfect. Too kind, too forgiving, too pure. Its annoying that they can't even fight for themselves. While Prince Charming, for some reason, all look quite the same, charming, handsome. =_=.... Nothing wrong expect everything is too perfect!!!!!

Neither do I like mickey mouse or donald duck. I do not like their character.

Howl's Moving Castle is then my fairytale to me. I like Studio Ghilbi's works a lot!!!! >< Howl and Sophie is so cute together. At least its one of the stories that got a proper ending. ;D Sure glad it did. I LOVE her nature works a lot. Its beautiful. And her imagination is really what you have to give her credit for.  Its not just any typical love story. There are many different kind of love and the creative plots are simply lovely. (Well, at least most of them are)

Well many people say I m very critical. :P I guess so.
Okay, done writing nonsense. PUBLISH.

....

This Holiday is ending....I feel like I give work just to start sch. Quite depressing...

How contrasting as compared to my attitude this morning. =_=...

But then again, human are full of contradictions which make sense....which is quite funny.

><...... I wanna sleep and pretend everything is a dream

Beautiful Life

I should be happy....


Because I have a family
Because I have friends who are there for me
Because I can act the girl of my age
Because I never know what tomorrow may bring
Because I am still alive and still breathing
Because I have eyes to see the many beautiful colours that create this world I live in
Because I have ears to hear the different melodies and sound that brings the world to life
Because I can taste the bittersweetness of my roller coaster life
Because I can smell the scent of what nature brings me, rain scent days, flowers
Because I have hands to create, nurture and heal
Because I have legs to run, to feel the vibrant warmth of the sun
Because I can sing and laugh, spreading the joy to the word
Because I have every reason to be. :)

Most of all,
Because I CAN. :D Hahaha ^^

:) Corrine May's new album- Crooked Lines

"God writes straight with crooked lines"

I heard it yesterday while purchasing paint and brushes from Popular. I was so thrilled to heard her gentle yet strong voice carrying meaningful messages to everyone!I could scarcely contained my joy when I realised that she had a new album.  :) Its so resounding in your soul. I like her voice, her song always being able to carry story without even needing a music video. ^^ Her voice is very infectious.

Trying

Runaway
holed up in my world
trying to stop my defenses
from crumbling
from breaking down.

trying to be less harsh on myself
trying to be more understanding
trying to love myself more
but its hard...

Believing myself have never been easy
but still I try
And I gotta keep trying.

I gotta keep trying
I gotta keep trying.

Okay. I just recovered from being sick. sort of....

    HATE being sick. I really mean it. I got two types of illness. 


One is asthma. Which starts from sore throat to flu to cough. Difficulty breathing. Coughing till I suspect my lungs break into two that kind. And if it continues, I get stomach ache.

And I got asthma just last month. Seriously.

This illness is equally bad. Its like being an oven. My insides burned so bad, like a blazing fire. And the heat seems to be stolen away from my hands and feet, feeling very cold. My bones suddenly weigh very heavy like as if there were chains attached to them. It definitely did not help that my stomach was hurting.
 
And the only way out was to burn it out. For example,wrapping myself in blankets like a cocoon.

Problem: My body is very good at keeping cool, trying to keep the fire to a minimum inside.

But I am alright now cept for that nagging stomach ache. Urg....

Random

• Didn't meet that stupid annoying S Americano guy today. :) Kinda glad.
• 
  
• Morning was dead. 
• While afternoon..................I think the crowd came after church or something. When I am about to go home......
• 
  
• The whole world decided to love cake. Oreo cheesecake was sold out, this guy even wanted the broken one. But he ate only the tip, Feng was pissed off. I mean, you spend $6.90 for one slice of cake and not eat it? Rather wasted.
• 
  
• Spring got to do full shift. Zhafri didn't come (it better be a good reason or Spring will kicked his ass. And personally, I don't blame her due to past experiences.) 
• 
  
• My next week's schedule SUCKS. Night shift at Katong. Morning shift the next day at Suntec. x2 What the crap is Lela thinking????? URG!  
•  
• All the secrets I have to keep are not secrets anymore. :) 
• 
  
• QUITTING SOON!!! :D :D :D
• Done. Drained out. Did night shift at katong yesterday...

Wake up call

I think i am rather pathetic.

Expecting something

when I don't know what I want.

Wanting something

but expecting only disappointment

only failure

Wanting to believe

yet unable to trust

Wanting care and concern

yet unable to withstand

tired to carry on

yet have to

wanting to throw away everything

and live for myself

but unable to do so

looking for excuses

expecting the worst

running away

 _ _

*P.S. Someone do the honors of slapping me out of it*

Totally Captivated

          "Why is it that when you stretch out your hand to me, you always runaway every time when I decide to catch it ?"

That sentence struck me the most. 

 

I keep thinking that every thing you do and say is trying to get through me somehow, with that tiny glimmer of hope that I have reading. While I am having that mere glimmer of hope that you are reading too.

It terribly annoying that the heart and mind can't work together as well. Even though your head knows fully well of the consequences, yet your heart just wouldn't acknowledge. Urg...H-A-T-E  I-T.

Even if I do know now, you are still giving me hope. Hope that I really don't need. Because its not good. 

"Love is like a butterfly, it comes and goes as it pleases"

You are like the wind, unable to stop for anyone because there is not much importance. Ouch. But yes. The truth. I am just not.

Every meeting is by chance. The moment that brought us together was by fate. Something so intangible and unknown. Something out-of-reach like the forbidden apple only makes people want it more, like the same mistakes that Adam and Eve made. Yup, I knew. Heck, everyone knew of the outcome. But does that stop us, NO.- The faults of a human. making the same mistake not once, not twice but a lot of times.

"Loving without wanting anything in return is a BIG fat lie"  

For a family and friends, yes, its possible. But loving someone as a lover, its not. Because you are only human and somewhere deep in your heart, you wished for it too. Every human carved for love unconsciously no matter how strong, how hard or how cold that person may seem to be. 

So I am still learning. Even though I swore never to do these kinds of stupid things again. Like as if I have a say in these matters :P

"You don't die of a heartbreak, you only wished you had"

The cruel brutal truth. Yes, that is the way of life. Somehow you will still continue living in that cold empty shell. Somehow you will keep living. Living with depression of the loss and the guilt for being able to live with it.

P.s. I think most people can exhibit the character of a hedgehog when having a crush.