Yes, I am a cold person

Yes, I am a cold person

I threw my heart away

lost the lock and key

buried all those old memories

I don't want to be 

tied down by the past

I don't want to be 

bound by the pain and hurt

I just want to forget

I just want to run away

I just want to breathe

I just want to be me

Yes, I am cold person

I gone through so much 

give it my all

but everything just fell apart

I don't want to hurt anymore

thats why,

yes.

I am a cold person

Aching

To believe, its the hardest thing for me.
I don't have confidence.
I don't think I have any qualities that are good enough to be called good.
I am neither smart or pretty.
I am just me.

A plain old boring me.

But why is it,
I keep trying every time?

Even if I really really really want to give up,
there is always this part of me that hope.

Even if I lost faith in everything,
there is always this insignificant part of me that hope.

Hope that someone would come along
and prove me wrong.

Why is it that when you believe in something,
you can believe in it absolutely?

Like how happiness can never come without sacrifices or last....

I don't want to stop believing,
I don't want to stop hoping,
I don't want to stop wishing,
Because
Its the only thing that keeps me going.

Slamming down the phone

Honestly speaking, it was no excuse to slam down the phone.
Unless the person on the line was insulting you.

But she wasn't

I felt bad. I am super tired and the work keeps piling up. Some idiot treat me like a maid and left the dishes for me to wash.
I know I should be doing my work instead of blogging out but, I really need a dustbin to get rid of all these negative feelings.

I just feel so angry sometimes, that I always have to cook dinner. Its gets super annoying at times especially when you really just wanna take a nap. I act like a monster with lack of sleep. And I did, to a person who was trying to be kind about it. Sorry. Even though you have more responsibilities than I have and I am complaining like a 3-year old brat... ;<

Xian. I would never be able to tell you face to face because its you. To you, saying that would imply you got the upper hand and I would never let you know it. Sorry. ;< I will try to try my behavior but this condition is only subjected when you are nice to me. :P

Jia You, Me.....urg....

The wrong that remains wrong

I don't want to think about it.

I want to let it pass. 

I can't undo the past.

I can't undo what I have done wrong.

The only thing I can do,

is to accept this regret and move on.

As time passes, surely all the wounds will heal.

Then it wouldn't sting so much anymore.

First day of sch

I survived......in a dead tone +_+

Morning class and I only managed to sleep at 1am+ even though I was in bed at 11pm. Luckily my eyes weren't sore and bulging when I woke up because it was my body's fault, not mine.

Morning class was.......I reached school way too early. Designers are noted for their lateness and are forever arriving late. Ya, I couldn't get used to it and started panicking like mad when it was 8:46am.
Lucky thing I bumped into people I know, then we waited together. By the time it was way over 9am, and we decided to go general office to ask about the classroom. It looks like our classroom venue change since there is no way you can study on the floor or on top of toppled tables.

The teacher was in the general office and he informed us where the new classroom was. +-+ We went there but it was clear it belongs to another class instead. The teacher pointed us to another room, it was seriously starting to be an amazing race. First day of school is like newbies being in school for the first. We looked like nubes with the rest of scattered lost sheeps here and there. We went there to discover that we were locked out because that classroom isn't exactly ours. =_=....I wanted to strangle that teacher. Turns out he is NEW teacher.

Our elective class only had 10 people in which only 7 turned up. The class was dready and boring. It was a mixed physics and colour class. I was feeling very restless in my chair. The teacher cracks jokes that are really lame and one of it was a bit insulting. I wanted to throw my spectacles at him. At least we  ended early.

Afternoon class....honestly, I know I am super duper mean. The past would have been shocked at my behaviour but that me was too soft and a pushover.. I was glad that I didn't have her in my class. I know...maybe I am mad and guilty at myself for not being more generous? not being more forgiving? But I made my choices and I guess you can say.. I become meaner in the process. I am ashamed but I can't help admitting to being relief, it already hard working in an environment where you have to watch your every step without watching out for your ideas to be stole right under your nose.

Class started and we got into our groups. I really wanted to join another group because I need helpful people around me. I know I am slow in doing things and take a longer thing to understand something but I really keep trying. Its never been easy but I will never stop trying. Because that is the only way to getting better and I am definitely getting better.

I am in the same group with :>. I honestly like her yet fear her at the same time.
She is nice in a harsh way. She is trying to help me by being mean and rude to me. She doesn't like me being so nice since she finds it annoying. In a way like its a weakness that I will definitely can walk over by other people. I know it but what can I say? Its just me. :/
She is like perfect in everything, from drawing to clothes. Seriously, perfect people that only exist in manga books exist in the real world too. She makes me feel inferior. but I still like her because in a way, she cares? I prefer straightforward people anyway.

Another

Another day. Another time. Another.

I am tired. Seriously very tired. This is like drama. A very sad drama that might even end up in tragedy.
An ending where one of us might die, another one go crazy while this whole house fall apart.

I hate you so much that I feel like dying. My hate is eating me inside out. Since you hate me so much, how come you don't just stab me dead. Its much kinder that way. Though I most likely wouldn't just die like that. I hate you so much that I most likely wouldn't leave myself to just die like that. Too cheap for you.

Just let this whole house burn down. Just let all the ugly people inside rot to death. Just let this be another sad headlines on the news, another entertainment for the people out there.

Reading this... I can practically laugh at how calmly I can write this thing out. Its so sad. Dying souls calling out for a helping line that seem so faint.

I just want to use glass to pierce my skin. Watch the blood flow. To show you how much I am hurting.

If I am such an sore eye to you, then too bad. Let just continue on this crazy game. Lets see who turn mad first.

Timetable

I was expecting a crappy timetable because....I selected the subjects I want late...

So of course there is this first-come-first-serve rule.

Thus I was expecting leftover boring/tedious subjects that no one wants.

Guess what? I got into Japanese, it was meant to be so popular that its hard to get in. Or maybe people are bored of it? Some says it hard, others said its easy? Depends. I only know final assignment was acting out a scene in front of the whole class.

While the other subject was meant to be useful yet super tedious with all the structure thing.... Urg...I didn't want it.... But...oh wells. Its my first block some more! =_=...morning class. Makes my day.

The rest was quite ok. At least I didn't get too much of that teacher...I got a new one...Even though my first impression of him sucks but other people say he is rather good? 

For teachers, I normally prefer those who don't act as if they are way above and treat us lowly. I prefer more of friend-kind- of teacher? However, I think the best kind of teachers are those who are strict and expect good work from you. I believe that you can excel with this kind of teacher because you wouldn't dare to mess around. Even if you totally dislike but I wouldn't complain if I can get a good grade like A. But the only bad thing is they might put you down...if you aren't good enough. 

Oh wells. At least there is only one morning class and one night class. The only thing I dun like about night class is going home late. It freaks me out. 

All the best!!! Lets aim for B+ and As!

First taste of light

Okay. I kinda knew my grades came out a long time ago....
But I couldn't face it because I thought did quite badly especially in Fashion Retail (New team mates leading to weak group coordination and moral, everything was basically everywhere +_+)

and Apparel Manufacturing Process (My first D grade for one of my assignment, freakingly piss me out! We put in so much dang effort into the report and the teacher just mark us down despite me explaining to her our circumstances. HELLO?!! If there was another way, I would have DONE it. I am definitely aiming to pull up my grades! But it just so happen that the shop keeper doesn't want us messing with their clothes, okay? =_=... We put so MUCH effort and you just crush it like that. Do you wanna see what D work is??).....Urg....

However My grades IMPORVED!!!! ^^ \o/
Even if its just by a 0.16....I know its not much but it was definitely better than last year's 0.06 rise. :P
I will never forget the day I got my result for my first term....;( My dad was by my side and the words that he said really pierce my heart. He said "I am very disappointed in you." Honestly speaking, I never thought that there would be a day when I hear those words come out of his mouth. He is a happy-go-lucky person and cared about our happiness, well at least that was what I thought. This event and another event prove me so so Damn wrong...Adults really are the worst.

Turns out he thought I got 3+ over 10 =_=|||   I had to explain to him that the total was over 4, not 10. But that did make the wound sting any less, I was on the verge of breaking down back then. I tried so hard and it was so easy for another person to trample it just like that. It really hurts a lot.

Anyway, back to the main point.
I know that for my current grade, I have nothing to be proud as compared to what others have achieved. But :) I am still happy.
Initially, I looked at the wrong term grades and thought I deproved so bad that I nearly went crazy. Then I realised I got it wrongly =_=

PS: I am not showing off. I am just writing down how I feel. If you dun like it, dun read it. :P
I still got a C....for fashion retail(kind of expected it) but its a C+...I am working hard in getting rid of Cs in my grades. It stands out like a sore thumb. And I got 2 Aces!!! ^^ :) I was expecting an A from Figure Drawing =_=....but my final presentation must have pulled me down..Urg!!!
Unexpectedly, Veron give me an A for Apparel Production 2 (which is sewing lesson)...at first, she give me a rough grade of B..... But the belt curve must have pull me up. :) It really gives me the motivation to keep working harder. ^^

So happy that my efforts finally paid off. ^^ To you, 0.16 must be like "what the heck? Such a small leap and this girl act like what like that" But to me, every improvement is like a step nearer to my goal. It gives me hope. Hope that I can do better. Hope that I can reach my goal and stand out proud of my grades someday. :) Se Ying! Jia You! ^^

Now I know I can strive for further and better grade. Going to keep trying. I shall aim for only Bs and As. No Cs! More As and B+. Gotta keep trying. Haha... :)

Words

Its possible to feel two ends of the extreme for the same person.

Its scary how the more you feel for the person, the quicker, the feeling can twist and turn into.

I stop talking a long time ago. But you didn't notice.
You keep talking....think I was pulling a long face at you.
In truth, I couldn't be bothered by you anymore.

Every time you spit out those poisonous words that wrapped me tight and pierce through with its sharp claws. I feel as if this body doesn't belong to me. Like as if watching a play, I am just this voodoo doll for you to stab needles.

I guess I am tired. 

Its tiring trying to force my way through your twisted turning blocked and never ending garden. Slamming and banging my hands against your wall. End up our hands all bloodied, legs injured and scratched up so bad, that indeed, maybe its better to give up.

We just can't tune. Words. Words that are suppose to help us communicate, to bring us closer together.

If only I can show you how deeply your words affect me, all this internal bleeding and scars, maybe then you might understand?

I am never the person good with words. I am not clingy, I don't go down to fetch you. I don't tell you things that other children would often tell their parents.
And you were never the kind to be patient and listen. Always rushing, never stopping. Going so fast pace expecting me to catch up with you.

We keep trying. But like two rocks forcing against each other, we always end up all beaten up.

I don't what I am waiting for. Walking through my mind in a peaceful meadow under the soft sunlight, taking in the sweet scent in the air and feeling very contented like this.

Not having to fight with anyone. Just free to be myself. No need to be bound by anything. Just be myself. Be free.

The language of Flowers

To my mother.......Red Carnations