Surreal Day

Went out with my friends like a normal school day. Eat pizza and went high.
  To me, my friends are my drugs. (In a good way) With them, I go high and happy but without these "drugs", I feel all tired and emo like having withdrawal symptoms.
Good times are hard to come by and short too but even if it just lasted for that one minute. I feel damn lucky to have it. Because having very little good things in your life forces you to learn to cherish and look at all the good things in life instead. And I think having awesome friends are one of them. Even if our relationship wouldn't be that close anyway but it was a great moment. A really wonderful moment to have. This is sort of a way of thinking of a cancer person. (Hahaha) Cause I read up a book about it, about how this woman felt that every moment not being spent with her loved ones was a waste. Not telling them how much she love them would be a regret. Her life was so vibrant and colourful. It was so nice.

Sword or shield

Its sufforcating and I can't breathe. Very tired already but I still have to keep going. Knowing that I might break or lose myself very badly again, but because it is a chance without a certain outcome. Thats why I keep taking it, despite falling and hurting so bad over and over again all alone because I want to keep beliveing. Beliving that I am not that useless, that actully I can do it, that I really give my hardest and try my very best.
I am useless, I know that. But I want to keep trying!Iwant to prove that I really really did try my best.I am a coward, I am not strong. I may be just a weak little girl who can't give a penny to save her own life but I still want to keeep doing, I want to keep trying. Even at the verge og destroying myself. I still want to do something to prove that"hey I can".
But to be at constant war with my ownself.It is really tiring. Sword or shield.I want shield but I have no choice, I need to use sword. In this world, there are choices but sometimes situation push you to a corner. There is always another way, you know it. But you can't see it. With your eyes blindfolded, all alone. In this dark journey, trying to pick yourself after every hard fall. When you managed to find the light, something always get in your way, throwing you roughly back to square one. It is a harsh life and pain is a very strict teacher. But can't give up. Actually its more of wouldn't give up. Once you lose faith, you lose everything. I am a stubborn person, I will grab whatever chance I have because there is still HOPE.
My hands are soiled. My visions are dirty. I am disgusting beyond any words and tainted beyond any help. I do wish I was dead but I want to live even more. Dying would be easier, life wouldn't be tough anymore but what the point? Life is too precious to be wasted. I only got this one life, I have to make the best out of it. Because I know I can do it, its just that I still can't grasp my true pontential. I got to keep trying. Its lonely, its painful but I know that that light is there. It is somewhere out there. I willl manage to find it one day. One day. I will.Find it.

Under the Same Sky

In this hundred thousand and tens of thousand of buildings that we live under the same sky, I wonder which one are you living in right now?

Out of a crowd filled with millions and billions of people, I wonder if you will be able to spot me out of all of them?

So many cars and vehicles on the road, could you possibly be in one of them?

So many places under the same sky, could we have crossed            
each other without knowing?

I know you are busy everyday but could you just spend one day Busy thinking about me like I do?

Many places underneath the same sky, could there be a chance that you and I both went there but at different times?

 Why is it that even though we live at the Same continent, Same country and around SAME area , yet I still didn't even manage to catch a glimpse of  you like as if we live diff countries?                                            

   

Don't you hear me screaming, calling, crying out your name many times under the same sky or so do you?

Do you make that same wish under the same and every night sky like I do, just to let me see your face, touch you and feel you?

I

Well, I am warning you that if there is a plane or a bus that comes to my house, you better be on it because I need you now before I go crazy.

With your fastest speed, in skates, in your shoes or car, just COME, because I need you! And I need you fast.

I MISS YOU!!!DAMN IT!Just COME! This pain hurts like crap and there is no cure for you other than YOU! So you better take the responsibility of me, if not...I will never forgive You!

Missing you like crazy. My thoughts are all of you. Its driving me nuts. How? You poisoned me with love and now I can't breathe without you in my life. So hurry come! I need you more than anything!

I am sorry, but I have to go

Have it ever ocurred to you that I can feel pain too? I am not a doll without feeling, I am just like you too. So how is it that you can treat me however that you want to? I am NOT a doll. I can FEEL pain. And it hurts like crap, but I bet you didn't think of that. Do you know?That I am trapped by the thorns you bound me... I want to be free..of it all. Because you are hurting me and yet you can't see. I can't stay by your side anymore because the twisted love you shower me, I can't bear anymore. So I will leave from your side, don't trouble me anymore. The tears may run, my heart may crack. But to save whatever that is left of me, I have to leave your side. All you know is your pain, you never thought of me the same. I am NOT a doll, I am just like you, I CAN feel pain. So can't you see it too? That you are hurting me with your so-called love. I wouldn't regret the choice that I am making now, because you hurt me once too far many times so all I could give is my goodbyes. You can go lead your own Misery life...But I not gonna be like you too because I have a life that I wanna lead too. So goodbye, forever more, no turning back anymore. So goodbye, I am going to stand alone. Even if I were fall and break, I will never regret the choice I made, because in leaving you...I Finally learn to love myself.

I am only human.

Is it damn fun? Just cause I am a foolish weak human that tries so hard even though the fall hurt hurt so bad? But I am already trying. I am trying so hard each time. I really hate everyone and every damn thing for making my life so difficult! But actually I hate myself the most, I really tried so hard. But it seems like all my effort were for nothing. Its like I am better off without trying in the first place, why? Because my best isn't good enough for the world, the world needs something better than best. Reality is just not within my reach. It made my effort appeared so worthless and my attempts so useless. Reality must be damn happy seeing me cry and lose like this.  Damn it!I hate myself so much, I wished I was dead.Why is it I tried so hard with everything and it just keeps failing? Did I not try hard enough? Where did it go wrong? I am just a girl trying to find a place in this world. I know that there are many other people out there like me but still... it is damn tiring.....

Its okay even if I'm hurt

I love you that's why it is okay. I don't care if the whole world scorned at me. I don't care if everyone leave me. Its okay as long as I have you by my side. You can call me crazy. Other people can call me blind. But when can I do when I already so in love with you? Love is a foolish thing, they may said in disgust. But how do they can they even judge me when they don't know how I feel? Its okay if I never were to see you again. Its okay if you push me aside. Because what can I do when I am so in love with you? Let just say that I am willing to wait forever just to be your side. Crying endless streams of tears cause I love you so much. Missing you so much yet you don't know my heart. But that is fine. Why so foolish? Other people ask.  Why? because I am in love with you. so even if it hurts, I will still love you

Life journey

We are just human. To want to feel needed by people and need people is perfectly normal. Human are just weak people after all. To want to love and be loved is just another human nature. So treat people kindly. Some people may seem cruel and strict but maybe deep inside they long for someone to care. Expect they are too scared to take the chance so they prefer to hide within their hardened shell so as to protect their fragile hearts. Human wants someone to be there for them through anything and some wants to be there for other people too. The constant competition amongst human, not wanting to be left out, not wanting to lose. So much that some would let anixety take over, in turn breaking all the rules despite knowing that it is wrong. At the end of the race, those strong hearted ones make it through while the weak hearted who give in to temptation and greed loses. Thats the law in human nature to maintain the balance.Its okay to be scared. Its okay to feel weak. As you move on in life or go along your journey, you will find yourself scars makes you stronger for life. More courageous than before, as each drop of it is collected through experience. And more intelligent and more skill than before.  (So good luck with your journey in life. =P)

Embracing Death

One Step.Water gently splashing against my feet. Another step, as the waves slwing beckon me deeper and deeper into the lake. Moving one step by one step, enjoying the serenity in this peaceful and quiet surrouding. The sunrays seeped through the gap between the canopy layer, lighting up the scenery, desparately wanting me to see the ugly truth to that mysterious lake that is luring me closer and closer to its death trap. Smiling sadly to myself, the warning was but in ain. All along I already the true colours of the lake but I couldn't care less. My lace white dress now soaked, start floating around in the waters. The swishing waves start urging me forward, deeper and deeper into the waters. The raging wind start blowing against, warning me so urgently of the dangers ahead, wanting me to stop before it is too late. But alas, there is already no turning back for me, the cold made me numb on the outside while I am all hollow inside. Subconsicous of my surrounding, I contiune to move forward despite already being waist deep in the lake. Translucent white clothes, wet and clinging to my body. Sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss, I closed my eyes, I embrace death while letting the water swallow me whole. 

Everyone, just don't grow up.

Just needing 1 look through pictures to realise how faraway a once very close friend was, mixed feelings, mostly saddness emerged. From a daily meeting to a once every 3 month sms, shows how wide the distant have become. Once two heart entwined together, now so far apart that each others' voices can't be heard. Time bulit new relationship yet tears old ones. What that was once thought would last Forever yet through harsh reality to only realise that forever was too good to be true. Time is harsh, fast ticking on the good times and reality kicks in only when everything is lost. Growing up means changing. Changing is constant and on-going. How? Not wanting people to change in hope of not losing them yet reality forces you to bend and flow with them no matter how much u don't want to. Change is scary, things become different, everything and everybody become different until you don't know who you are and you feel so unsure if you once was so close to them that u know them by the back of your hand, yet all reduced to awkardness and uneasiness. Missing each other so much yet not knowing what to say. Feeling so happy to see them yet feeling so uneasy at the new them you are facing, even though never a day went without you not missing them, never a day went without a flashback of the fond mermories you have once spend with them. Feeling so happy yet not knowing how the other party feel likes. Just feeling so lost in the mist of everything. If only everybody don't grow up..... but alas...that could only be a midsummer dream.

You can be anything you want.No one is limited by other people, only you can limit yourself. Everyone have an awesome potential, it only depends if you want to make the best out of it or just allow others' opinion to bring you down. Being yourself is the best thing ever, its a form of beauty. You can just act, talk, do things that freely express who you are. Because you are who you are and there is only one "you" in this world, even if you have a twin. So what if the you have flaws? So what if you couldn't hit others' expectations? The "you" who you truly are is the one I like best. Its a gift of being special. A true friends accept you the way you are. The things you can do because you are you. And the things you can't do because do because you are you. One day, the someone just for you will come to love you just the way you are. So just be yourself.
People who sees you the way they want and try to control you to become the best and perfect like your parents may tend to bring you down. You might even come to harshly blame yourself for your failures. But you are just you, there are bound to be things that you can't do and flaws that you possesess. If they can't accept you the way you are. Then to me, I will treat it as a loss because they can't see what a gem you are.
Especially when you think of yourself worst too. Everyone is a Kaleidoscope, you can only see your imperfection on the surface but it takes another person to see the jewels and colours that exist within you.
Everyone is special cause you are a gift from God or if you don't believe in God, you are a gift of life. So treasure it. ^^