Lunch, one of those days..

Well, everyday is a day. Some really boring. Some really unique.

I guess it is one of those rare unique where I actually got enough courage to invite my lecturer for lunch. I wanted to for a while and I finally manage to. :) Hahaha. At least I wouldn't regret now.

So its been fun. We went to another school because I wanted to eat the chilled bean curd again. Its really awesome. I like to eat all around the school except for my own one, obviously. Its so boring.

I was scared that it might become really awkward but it turn out really fun. (Maybe cause I was too embarrased so I cause quite an entertainment? =_=|||)

So for her, it was the first time we were actually on time. Hahaha.. I mean its lunch, not submission. So ya. I was nervous...but I dun think its just me. Haha. All of us actually. Its my first time inviting a lecturer, I don't even know why I got that idea from. I think since the time she treat me breakfast. Ya, I really got shocked. Hahaha.

So we just talk a lot of random things because we don't really know each other well after all and we are trying to get to know each other more? Maybe I wouldn't be so scared of her after this? That was the ironic part. She thinks she isn't scary anymore. Honestly, even though she claim she is 10% of how scary she was last time, it is still enough to intimidate us. More than enough for me at least. 

It is always refreshing to get to know someone. I read somewhere that "women are like onions, you have to peel them layer by layer." Its true, at least for me. Speaking of which, I never thought that she would reveal such personal stuff. I wasn't going ask any really personal questions, I hate it when people do that to me. my personal stuff is like a chest with lock that is zipped away in a suitcase and I hid the key away. I throw the suitcase into the deep sea and shut the cellar door TIGHT.

But it is obviously not hidden or enclosed well enough. Bad thoughts always have a way of sinking their claws into me. I really really really really HATE and DETEST them. But I can't get rid of them. They are the ugly side of me. A me that makes me whole. Okay. enough. this isn't about me.

Back to Lunch.

It was so funny, we purposely pick a school canteen so that she cannot treat us. But I was so WRONG.  We reached the canteen while having a nice flow of conversation till she suddenly say, "Okay, this is lunch so its my treat". And she took $20 out of her wallet and tried to shove it into my hands. I ran. Yes, RAN. The best part, she ran after me with the money, in her heels some more. O_O....I ran and hide behind a pillar.

So she chase after my class mate and succeeded in stuffing the money in her hands. Which began round 2, my classmate chasing after me and stuffing it in my hands. =_=.....And she succeeded. Best part, I wanted to vomit and I was going to eat lunch. I didn't use the money, I return it along with the change, lucky thing she didn't get angry.

There was this awkward silence till she make my classmate ask her questions. It was rather funny. So we just ask questions like what is the meaning of her name and all weird stuff. Basically, I was trying to avoid anything that have to do with class, school and Cambodia. But it always link back. The atmosphere would become very serious and depressing.

Until the bean curd. Seriously....the bean curd. =_=....a bean curd that got me into a lot of trouble... So my classmates ditched me with her to buy bean curd. She was like:" Don't worry, I wouldn't eat you, you don't have to be so frightened of me." She IS very very very scary, maybe in a different way from my mum. But just as bad.

But all in all, she is better. She wouldn't purposely try to hurt me and she apologises. Adult who apologises is one that I admired a lot. So they came back with the beancurd all too soon. So She ask me why I don't want to eat my bean curd. I got certain ways in eating certain stuff. Like bread, burger and other thingS. They are weird and some are really unpleasant. But I like eating it like that instead of the normal boring ways. :P

So she got curious but I wasn't going to say. Hello. Why would I wanna ruin my good image?? so that was when it started going out of control....I wouldn't tell so she pressurised my classmate and say that she can threaten people better than me. =_=...Obviously I was going to stop my classmate from telling. Yup, so a scene from a drama nicely built up there, to the point where I even try to forcefully drag my classmate away from her. My other classmate just sit there very happily watching the show. The heck?! Seriously?!!!

It was so embarrassing. =_= but it ended sadly....with the topic of the Cambodia thing again. Xian.
Oh wells, till next time. :) hopefully, we can have lunch with her again. :)

Sick

Less than 4 days left, people....

And, I am sick. =_=""
Seriously...But its not really my fault.All the late night stays due to rushing of assignments.
Can't lecturers understand and sympathies with us rather than just expecting? The freak. Seriously.

I find it so hard to even breathe. People just effortlessly pile their expectations on me, its tiring.

I wonder what it would be like there.
Would I miss this place?
Would I miss my family?
Would I regret the decision I make?

Oh wells, I am just in a neutral mood now. Lets start letter writing. :)

Waling dead

I want to close my eyes.
Pretend that I am anywhere else but here..
I am trying to reach somewhere
to touch the sky

But the journey is so tough.
The sky is so high up
I feel like I am treading a path of thorns
feet bleeding and all worn out

Yet I feel I am neither her nor there
its like the ground open up and swallow me
into the ever ending darkness
sinking deeper and deeper

Can't breathe
Can't cry
Can't scream for help
Don't know who to call out to

My shell of a body feels so exhausted
too tired to continue moving
My soul, nothing but drained spirit
This must be how its like to be a walking dead

Is this what life boils down to?
Its sad. What and where is the future we are working so hard for?
I can't see tomorrow. I can't see the light.
All I know is, I am tired.

I don't want to walk on already.
This isn't what I want.
This isn't how life is suppose to be.
I am just going to leave it all behind in a dream

Internship

Gulp....3 months.

I will be going to Cambodia for 3 months. Its not official or confirmed yet, but honestly speaking, despite being scared and all, I still want to go. ><

Even though I am going with another 2 classmates into another strange and unfamiliar place, but I still want to try. I want to check how independent I really can be and how I can survived there without my family.

At the same time, I can experience what my dad feel while working overseas for so many years. 3 months will definitely be nothing compared to the years he went through but at least I could have a glimpse of it.

In another few weeks, I will be flying off. :P The days kinda fly by. Well, just trying to finish off these 2 heavy modules. I got a lot of other things to do though but I am too hooked on the computer to do it.

3 months. What do you pack and how much?

Instant noodles? But I prefer the cooking kind.
Confirm taking my "pillow" and blanket there.
Clothes.....how much do you pack? 7 set?
ermmmmm....what else?
My sketchbook and stationery.
Lets see...medication. :/
Laptop? Still considering...
I don't know what else.
ps: Can i smuggle my friends along? XD 

Its super weird! I forward pack too much things in my school bag, end up it is so heavy! =_=... But if I travel to other country for a week or 2, one bag is sufficient for my things. I always take bare necessities....hmmm....wish me best of luck! :D ^^

Back to studies

I guess I am tired. Of the daily routine that never seem to end.

You either get bored to tears, lying on the bed stoning.
Or you stayed up the whole night rushing work, cursing and swearing.

Constantly pushing yourself to beyond maximum,
trying to be better, trying to aim somewhere,
which is like dunno where.
Beyond average, I guess

Okay.....Whacked up system here!
Work becoming more important than health.
People keep telling nonsense like,
"you just need to manage your time properly"

@@##$^&^^^*)%_$2$@$
Would be so kind to tell me how is that possible?
If only 1 person out of 72 in class can do it,
shouldn't that people start thinking if this system is actually suitable?!

Don't just say pretty words like confirm can.
Confirm can? CAN! You do 1st, then show me :)
Stupid adults.

True. I am complaining. Yes, I admit I sound childish, no life and watever. To those who have negative comments, WATEVER, I wasn't born to please you. >:P
I guess I am fed up. Not just me. I know a lot of people out there are fed up too. Ask me what is the craziest thing I have done so far? Nothing. I don't know anything beyond working hard for whatever my future plan is. My life is limited behing this 4 walls to this screen in front me.

.............................................................................Whatever..........Back to studying..............................

Being weight conscious

Okay, I hate the extra fats that are building up at my stomach and upper legs.

It disgusting. I keep telling myself to exercise which I am obviously not doing.
But I am definitely not the kind of girl who skip meals just cause I am getting fat. I feel that 3 meals are super important! Especially breakfast and lunch. Lucky thing, I took this food and nutrition class and understand the importance of dieting. (FYI, going on a "diet" does not mean cutting down on your meals. Diet means a balanced and nutritious meal.)

I love eating. So I am not going to do stupid stuff like eat less cause you might lose weigh but you will gain back twice the amount. And whats the point if it is going to make me tired and think about food all day? Slimming pills and medicine are......not my cup of tea. I have this medical condition which requires me to take quite a bit of medication in all kinds of form whenever I am sick. So naturally, I hate pills and all those stuff. They usually make me feel sicker that I already am.

Your 3 meals are important, don't bother cheating. Your body is smarter than you think. But everybody's body is different, some eat 3 meals a day like me, while others eat divide it into 6 meals a day as they have small appetite. Some people have high metabolism, those are the people who no matter how much they eat still stay the same.

So what may work for you might not be the same for others as everybody is different.

I do cut down on food but in a good way. Like anything other than my 3 meals are unnecessary like tea-break,snacking and supper.
I usually eat the most for lunch to get me going through the day. :) Breakfast is a must for me as I can't really function or think on an empty stomach. Having gastric or stomach ache is the last thing you need on an early morning to work or school

Tips

1. Eat protein-rich food for breakfast. 2 eggs are usually the recommended breakfast in keeping you full and energized for the day. Milk and cheese are good too. Oats may be healthy but not that effective
2. Eat fruits before a meal. It is nutritious and helps you not to eat too much for a meal.
3. Use a smaller plate when you are eating outside, as you will be tempted to fill up the whole plate
4. Eat more home-cooked food. That way you can cut down the seasoning and use a healthier cooking method.
5. Cut down on eating out with people. You tend to eat more in a crowd
6. Best way is still excising 3 times a day for half an hour. (I am trying to skip 200 times a day)

Yup, best way is still excising. So cut down computer time and go grab a friend or your ipod and start moving. :) The best exercise is swimming though. best time to exercise is actually evening, but I love morning the most, they are my favourite part of the day. I can never stop admiring the views in the morning, they are the loveliest thing ever. :)

My goal is to cut down 6 kg. Actually more of the fats that are gathering at the lower part of my body. They are seriously an eyesore.....Urg.....good luck, me. I will start...soon. 

Wish list

The things that I want

• Sewing machine (Should I get one??)
• I want to go online shopping!!!! :D Just for the experience
• Go USS
• Go Venice again! ^^
• The mug with a spoon slotted in the handle
• The pastel yellow top? (I just want a garment that is pastel yellow)
• I want to have a picnic!!! :D (Little stick of hotdogs, sandwiches...etc)
• Go shopping and buy at least 5 garments?
• Play games with my friends just like back in sec school
• I want the "Twister" game! :) Good fun and exercise! ^^
• I want to do something that is crazy and daring! (So that my life don't look dull, maybe cliff diving, flying fox, sailing down the waterfall?)
• I wanna go night viewing of fireflies again (below expectations but no words can describe the night view)
• Camp out! (What an adventure! In the western countries)
• Fly (I never stop dreaming about it)
• Being the happiest person in the world :D or at least be happy :)

Enough is enough!

Stop it people. Stop making everything MY PROBLEM.

Stop stepping over me and treat me like crap
Stop putting me down and making me feel like I am less than nothing!
Stop blaming me for everything! Can you please look at yourself and see what is wrong with you rather than blame everything on me??
Stop taking advantage of me, expecting me to help you when you are in need then throw me away after you are done with me. What the heck do you take me for?
STOP. JUST STOP,ok?

I am SICK AND TIRED of all you people.
Is it so hard to ask you to treat me with the same respect you would treat your friends? Stop taking advantage of me! Just taking my stuff without asking or keep borrowing from me cause you know I will always have. What the @$%$#TRRT$@%%$?!!!!

You freaking lazy pigs. What the heck do you even come school for without a freaking pencil and rulers to draw? I am not a damn bookshop which conveniently allows you to loan things from. *Specially to those who just help themselves. You may think its no big deal but do you even know how many of you all keep borrowing from me???I brought NEW tapes for myself to use, and by the time every one of you borrow, I am left with very little. What the heck?!! Its like I am throwing money to you guys. Dudes. You pigs, don't be so lazy as to not even bring the needed stuff.

Please tell me what the freak is that extra spaces in your bag for which you only put in your wallet and phone? And HELLO, you are a human, so it a CLEAR fact you need to eat food and drink so bring your own dang BOTTLE. Don't give me crap like you only drink little because by the time you finish, I always need to go to the water cooler to refill again. The freak??? Ask you refill for me, say ok, end up never do anything. Whoa. So nice.

I should give all of you an A**. And freak?! Just cause you like to do last minute work and I like to be prepared does not mean I am very serious. I hate rushing work, I hate the feeling and pressure of not even knowing if I can even finish within that limited time. I don't care if you a freaking A* for it. Your style isn't my style, ok! Irresponsible people.

I am freaking sick and tired of you guys.

I am tired. I am tired of wondering who to trust. or guessing if you habour ill intentions to me. I am tired of all this guessing games and games....

Time, is never enough

Human are the only ones that measure time. Do you see the animals doing it? they just know from how the sun and moon move across the day.

Humans are the only ones doing it. And everyone is forever wishing for more time. There is never enough for  them. :/

Not enough for sleep. Not enough to eat. Not enough for play. Not enough to even breathe.

I feel sad. 24 hours. Its so much time. Yet not enough for all the important things that we really need to think.

Think
When was the last time you went out with your friends or how often do you hang out?
When was the last time you ate as a family without someone using their phone or talking about work?
When was the last time you actually have no care in the world?
When was the last night you had a proper 7 hours of sleep or your proper 3 meals?
Have you been taking care of your health? Or do you think work is more important than that?
Have you been exercising?
When was the last time you felt happy?
When was the last time you made someone's day or help a stranger in need?
When was the last time you have been passing time with something else other than your laptop or phone?

I know I haven't been managing my time well. And when I looked at all these question, I even feel guilty about some. Looking at me now, forever feeling tired or stress. I never really thought about the life I want. Thinking about the future scares me. Even now, in the present, I could only take one step at a time. Just gotta keep trying!!!! Jia you, me! Jia you, everyone :)

Things about my school life....

Ever since I entered poly....what can I say?

Well..One thing for sure is that I have changed. Even if it is not that drastic.

It anything, I think I became more emo ;( So xian!!!! I hate that kind of heavy feeling that keeps becoming dead weight that drag my footing.

I become less trusting. I dislike like it A LOT. With my nature, I find it hard to trust in people already, thanks for totally ruling out every single classmate except for 1 or 2? I didn't really hear of anyone getting backstab but there can be a little drama every now and then.

Heck. I was part of it last year- had to learn the hard way that "lines exist for a reason- to protect yourself. I should have believe in myself but when you have to keep putting up walls..it becomes very tiring. Like you need to keep doing back up plan just in case someone try to do something bad to you.

Just yesterday, I walked into my group mates gossiping about me- most likely talking bad. Lets face it- they are talking bad about me. I wasn't surprised- only surprised that I didn't encounter this kind of things sooner. I mean, hey?! No one is a saint. I, myself even do this kind of thing. The whole class does it. If that person just now was absent- they, including me, would be talking bad about the person. So ya. I expected it.

Bad points about me:
I keep complaining. (True, I need to learn to stop that).
I sound whiny. =_= (Sorry that I sound that way but I can't change my voice)
I panic too easily (This one is hard, time management isn't as easy as you think it is)
I am a tad too sensitive at times (Personal reasons- well I am good at acting like I don't care)
I am bossy (I am working on this one alr, changing my tone and all)
I am slow in understanding (I can't change this, ok. I am not a com that can be upgraded. >:P)

I am trying to change. and hopefully become a better person. But when I become tired or moody, I tend to lose control. If work is going to be school life times 2......I wonder how am I going to survive this.

Reality sucks as per normal. "Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power. Innocence once lost, you can't give it back. The best part is you never realised that you have been walking around with a blindfold, thinking you are in a wonderful dream. Till someone rip it off and show you the ugly side of reality.

Still so young and I already feel old. Grown up. Had the world always been like this? Without me knowing? Game of survival. The strongest wins. Gotta keep surviving. Sink or swim. I definitely am not willing to let go now.