Yesterday

Yesterday? I had to do full shift. 7am-11pm (16 hours)


   I was so pissed off that I got nothing to say. Like really angry. But the only reason that I bothered to do full shift was because of 2 reason. First, because the person who couldn't come is actually my good friend, so I helped her, repaying the things that she once done for me, remembering our years of friendship. Second, because I can't possibly throw everything to Lela and Spring is very good to me.

It only because of the friendships that I would bother to stay if not I wouldn't give a damn about it and just went home already.

  Lela seemed okay enough. But when everyone hear she is coming over because Ummi transferred over, this was the first word that came out of everybody's mouth. F***. To tell you the truth, I was utterly shocked when I heard that.

• They say Lela is extremely strict. 
• Would take take no crap from you, a mistake is a mistake 
• Will give you no face and yelled at you in front of the customers,  should you do anything wrong
• Would scold you and screamed at your mentor/Spring for it. 

Okay, I freaked out. I was like:"SERIOUSLIY??????" I imagined her as someone of Susan's age. But I got the shock of my life, at my own stereotype.
Turns out Lela is only 23. She seems to be okay so far when I work with her yesterday. From her crude language and sex jokes, it didn't take me long to figure that she and skanthan must have been best of friends. But then again, I was on my guard. I met so many double faced people while working so I on my guard.
However Lela told me a lot about herself. What a problem child she was in the past. What made her changed to the Lela she was now.

Really. I am starting to think that I got the trustworthy face or something. Everybody is telling me their secrets and past, being so sure that I can keep them. Yes, I can but that its not what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that they are willing to TRUST me. Maybe the other fact is also because I trained myself to listen so people like talking to me? Its hard trying to listen because you want to interrupt and be the one talking instead. So I am still training myself to listen.

Actually, even if I accidentally stumble on someone else's secret, I wouldn't tell. cross my heart. As long as its not illegal or bad. Even if like you were an ex-convict before, I don't give a damn. Because who you are in the past doesn't define who you are now.


But if you are stealing money now, that changes the story. Don't bother asking me to keep it a secret. I will confirm rat you out. My moral values.

Oh wells, overall, I got to understand Lela better. But I need more time to see beyond the outer layers of her anyway.

Anger

Need to sleep. Morning shift this whole week. Off on thurs :(

Work :/

Today was absolutely nuts. Really! ;< So tired. Today is middle shift, 12-8pm. Tomorrow is morning shift.

Lyrics(English):

Both the flowers and the trees are sad

Only being able to grow toward the sky

Every time they look down, they remember

And they look up once again

You look so sad as you sleep

As if you are having a bad dream

But I am here. Right beside you.

And I won't go anywhere.

HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU?

Everyone looks up at the sky

But then glances back down

You will never see the blue sky unless you search for it

Which may seem sad

You have lived mistaking freedom for selfishness

Relying on a starless night

With an invisible eye

Wandering around

I have had nothing to be afraid of

Because I had nothing to protect

Not tomorrow or ten years after 

The me now is scared

I LIVE HAPPY MY SWEETHEART

To everyone who is empty

Lend out a hand, and dream a dream

Now look to the sky

For I will always protect you

The shadow is free to flap its wings and fly around

For I do not long for it anymore

Everyone isn't free

Freedom isn't anything like that

It's just that the sky doesn't have a road

In the sky called "you"

Is where I am trapped

I am not going anywhere

So please don't go anywhere either

Everyone is in the sky

In the cage called "freedom"

It is enough if you are here

For in this sky I do not need wings anymore

Okay. I fell in love with this Japanese song the moment I listen to the sad sweet melody while understanding the lyrics. It just that somehow i could relate what he was feeling. Its just like that with people too. Just a glance and a short conversation, somehow you have this feeling that you are destined to meet/have met before. Its insane but human mind is too complex for understanding anyway. 

The artist of this song is Yuuya Matsushita. This is the only song I heard from him. The loneliness that he feels and the pain which he felt from that person, the helplessness, the want to protect that person who is so precious to him and the willingness to give up everything just for that one special person.

Anyway I am going to replace this one with my current ringtone. Both are from anime ending song.....actually my ring tone only seem to revolve around this two, Bird and Michiyuki. 

Michiyuki is a sadder Japanese song so I don't want anybody else listening to it. Personal reasons and stuff. :P Well, all that matters is I like it :D 

-------***------

Actually I am downloading songs for work, I keep listening to that same few songs repeating over and over again, I thought I was going to go insane. Today was the day when I finally finish learning almost everything already. From cold drinks to hot drinks to cashiering to food. 

The cashiering still is rather annoying for me though....there are so MANY pages. Under one category, there are another 7 group, under that 1 group, there are 3 pages. And if the customers wants things like soy milk, discount and other stuff, I freak out even more. Thats the MAIN issue. I can't work when there are alarms bells ringing in my head and all I want to do is to scream for help.  

Urg...=_=... some drinks/food like langmiton and scones are hard to find for some reason. Actually even if its under my nose, I would have panicked so much by then, not to notice it. When customers pay Visa, thats one of the difficult part. There was this customers' card, I tried 3 times before it worked! By that time, the queue grewwwwwww... I felt so stressed. 

New stuff I learn- how to make whipped cream. (fun but sour taste :P)  how to heat up the milk and make foam (I am scared of the streamer thing actually 8~8) how to cook breakfast eggs in an microwave.(no eggs, didn't get to do it ;( ) How to make chai tea :P (Don't like the smell of it) Cut a good slice for once! (forget to heat it though... :( ) Learn how to oven the pasta and food (quite interesting.. '_-) 

Spring was annoyed with me because I can't find the food/drinks in the machine. :( Anyway, we were both irritated by Ummi (our manager) who forever says she is "on her way" but never seem to be arriving.... And that wasn't the first time, Spring was super angry that she actually went high, complaining non-stop to Zafri (a new-comer) Finally, I told Spring to just dump everything to us since I kinda know everything. She was reluctant about it, till I give all kinds of reasoning and excuses then she went off. 

Morning shift is 7am-3pm. I woke up at 5:30am. All shift are 8 hours. Ummi didn't come till 6pm+,so she was 3hours late. The timing is =_=..... Hello! That is when all the buses and trains are cramped and packed like sardines. 

I do have a bad habit or maybe 'training' would be a better word. I trained myself to keep quiet and shut every single of anger or complaint I have inside me. Because I don't want to cause a commotion, okay maybe more because I am doormat. (Happy? I Admit it) :( URG!!!!! The "finding your inner tigress" book is not helping!!!! 

Whatever. I survived on 3 sugar donut twist and one cream bread(sweetening and sickening) plus a villain muffin (nice. yums :D) for breakfast and lunch. Don't know how I stay so energised even though I woke up so early! 

Okay. Gotta go. This gotta be one of my LONGESTTTTTTTTT reflection. :D haha

 

Weaving Stories

Okay, lets just write a lot of stories that have a bit of link to each other since I got so many stories swimming in my head but I do not know what to start with.

  Spring is my supervisor at work. This week monday, she had to work from 8am to 11pm because Ummi fell sick. The day before was so busy due to the last day of the IT fair that everyone reached home around 1am+ to 2pm+ kind of timing. So its a no wonder she is so exhausted and was angry at Ummi.

Some people become more energised/crazy without enough sleep. While some is at their worst, I am one of them. Spring said she was super angry, but I can't really tell. Aside from the fact that she complained a bit (a BIT, I would have complained to the whole world), she was still her usual kind and patient self.

Normally, I try to stay out of angry people's way but I am still new to the job so I can't avoid asking her for help. I did make quite a few mistakes, but she never blew up at me. She just let it go and continued her work. But she did give Ummi a tongue lashing because she dislike irresponsible people.

I felt that I ought to take a leaf off her notebook. Because she doesn't take out her anger at anyone other than the person who caused it. She was still professional at her job, smiling away like today was the best day of her life. I was really amazed by her. She did complained a bit to me, but I didn't say anything because I don't know her well enough to know what to say or what not to say. She could have just dump her work and left home but she didn't. She said that she wasn't going to leave me struggling by myself. I was grateful. :)


Another thing I learn that day was if there is a problem I can't solved, I should just run straight to it, not away from it .  Then I could just fall down, but worry not, cause I know someone is down there to catch me. I was learning new stuff on Monday, about cashier and food. It was scary because there are so many categories in the cashier machine and I have to keep flipping next page searching for one item!!! I panicked like crazy but was trying not to show it in front of the customer.


The food part wasn't hard because you just need to press how long to microwave. The hard part was cutting the cake, =_=..You must be thinking how hard can that be? Ha-ha. Damn Hard. Because the cake is rather hard and frozen inside, so it very hard to cut through. Even if you did manage to cut it apart, doesn't mean you cut it well because the slice somehow wouldn't separate from the cake or the front part collapsed because you cut it too thin in front. Too thin or untidy cake cannot be served to the customers, so we eat it ourselves. :D (It was PARADISE!!! Since Cheesecake is my fav and their cheesecake is super nice! ^V^ I ate 3 slices already. Hahaha)


Lazy to continue. Will stop here for now. :)
Have a good day.

Written In the Stars

Eyes full of judgement and condemn

towering heights staring me down

hiding in my own world 

trying to tune out the "reality" world

cause even if I scream my throat raw

no one will hear me out

tears don't help

yet I can't do anything

feeling lonely and helpless

confused and lost

wondering 

"what the heck am I doing now?"

running, running, running

so desperately

trying to search for something

trying to look something

that keeps me holding on

from breaking apart

STOP

eyes close

Breathe

eyes open

nothing left in this world

only me

only my identity and my true self

head held high 

looking at the stars

I am on my way

Long time never write a poem so I randomly wrote one while listening to 

Tinie Tempah - Written In The Stars ft. Eric Turner

Stay true to yourself, sometimes its the only thing that keeps you going when the whole world falls apart and you are alone.

Helplessness

I can feel it so loudly.

Ba thump. Ba thump. Ba thump....

The pressure of my heart beating against my chest. That one small tiny difference, that separates me from dead people.

It is thumping so loudly. Beating so fast. Trying to keep me alive, to keep living.

I am so tired. My heart seems to strip away all my energy every time it pumps so hard to keep me alive.

What happen when I have asthma is that my arteries and blood vessel actually shirk so my heart have to contract and relax very hard to force the blood out and the blood in.

That’s what inhalers are for; they force the blood vessels to open so that it becomes easier to breathe. For a while, that is. However inhalers are very important, if there was a sudden asthma attack and you don’t have it. You can actually die.

I already feel so tired from typing a few sentences; everything takes up a lot of effort. Even breathing. Wonder how am I going to work later? At least I don’t have to do closing up.

One of the reasons why I hate being sick.

To know that I am only one fragile heartbeat away from death’s door. To know that even if I cried out for help, no one can hear me in this empty house. I hate sleeping the whole day; nightmares keep coming, haunting me non-stop. Coughing so badly as if my lungs will break into two.  

Wonder if anyone will miss me when I am gone…

Bruises and Closing up

Okay....for today, I am packed with a lot of new bruises, 4. All at my legs.

   Thing is, I am always getting bruises...but I always don't know how I got them. :( Weird, right? Its not that I am clumsy and often fall down. Maybe more of me banging into things... :P

 Yesterday, while washing the dishes, a new order came in, so I quickly went to make it. But... I slammed into the dishwasher instead...=_=.....(OUCH!) I thought the pain would go away but it didn't. The wound kept stinging, since I was wearing long jeans, I couldn't check it. But I guess it was bleeding since I could feel my jeans sticking onto it.

  It was. But it was just a small wound, maybe thats how the three other bruises came along.

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  I DISLIKE closing up.... the workout never fail to make me perspire like crazy especially throwing rubbish, as the rubbish chute is miles away. So far F&B is rather fun but requires a lot of hard work. Maybe because this is something new? I get bored easily. :P I know, its bad.

 But that doesn't mean I get bored in everything! The things I get bored in could be routine stuff like the same bus route to school. But some routine stuff are needed like my sleeping and waking time, I prefer it to be constant. :)  

Gloria Jeans or so

Yesterday, I started my new job at Gloria Jeans. It was awfully tiring... =_=


   While I have yet to recover my flu and block nose..... I jus went for my new job, praying to job that it will all go well. >< (This is kinda my first official one in the F&B industry) 


  There was this Indian man at the counter who Feng smiled at so I did the same, the guy did return the smile. Anyway, the starting was a total mess. Spring(the senior), she didn't know what to do with a newcomer like me. First, they teach me how to wear the apron and give me my name tag. 


  Spring have a very heavy Chinese accent so I could barely understand what she is talking about half the time. In the end, I gave up and speak chinese to her. She got the hint and just spoke chinese to me all the way :D I totally understand her now. 


  Now for the Indian man.....He is Da BOSS. I didn't know till he keep taking out his anger on Spring. =-=....He yelled at her :"SPRING! I ALREADY SAID CHAMOMILE TEA!" and slammed the drink on the table. Forcing her to entrust me to Sawza(Another girl) and run off. After that, he was still fuming around and scolded Sawza because I blend the iced Mocha (Not suppose to blend it). :(.... 


  Anyway, they teach me all the cold drinks expect for the top column of the drink list which are iced latte, mocha..etc.. the list is easy enough to follow but there were the diff quantity for diff size and some need to add this and not add that....so it get rather hectic and messy.... ;(


  I did make a few mistakes. Forgetting to add oreos for cookie and cream, forgetting to look and the correct side of the measuring jug. 


  They only teach me a few drinks then an order for mango chiller came in. I made it then first mistake.. you are supposed to use water for chiller. Smoothie is used skim milk. Swaza lied to the customer for my sake. She is really a nice person! Keep telling me "good job" and to take it easy. :) Spring is also nice, teaching me another few drinks. 


  Although I keep forgetting the difference between concentrated coffee and expresso shots. =_=...I keep thinking both were the same... But the concentrated coffee annoys me at time because I don't know how to spray in such a way that it wouldn't spurt to my face. Expresso shots is quite cool but the twisting of the expresso is tough, I accidentally burn myself. :_[ 


  Anyway Boss was is a better mood when the peak hour was over and treat us to two slices of cheesecake. Anyway, from what I gather, I think he is the type who goes crazy when stressed. He is very crude with his words as well. Saying things like, "so many girls around for me to have sex with" =_= or "girl cannot call girl, must boy call girl then they come. you see".... no respect for us female.                                   SERIOUSLY! What age and century are we in? Do you really think that we are still the type of female who can't live without a guy, who stays at home looking after the house and children??? 
    Well, sorry to burst your bubble, women are so much more capable now that we can even compete with men. >:P  But he took the effort to try to remember Jin Feng and my name. (I like people who bother to try to remember my name, because people tend to mispronounce my name. Its like giving me respect and telling me, I am worth the effort) So I can't decide what his personality is, he is okay, I guess.. in a way.


  Spring and Sawza is nice. :) But they left early. Lucy(a nice indian girl :) ) and Veneiza (another nice girl). Nice co workers. But not so nice customers. =^=.....Two impatient ladies keep scolding us today, Feng got the blunt of it though since she was stationed near the counter. (Sorry...) End up, I called Ummi (the manage of the company) for help since neither Feng or I know how to make the drinks. Suddenly a whole lot of order came in, it was crazy hour again, There are 3 peak hour so far.


Closing up was the worst. There are endless things to wash and a lot of things to do. By the time we were done, I was very tired from standing up all day and doing this and that... urg 


First Day at Gloria Jeans was interesting, enjoyable, tedious, tiring and hectic. I am feeling ver tired now. GOing to rest. Nights.

Simple Fool

Its interesting how knowing a bit more about what my friends like actually makes me happier. :P


Simple little fool, right? Or just plain weirdo? 


... Sometimes, when I talk with my friend. We often talk about random things but it makes me realised how little I know about them. For example, the weather/colour they like, or things they are obsessed about? (Maybe I should prepared a long list of qns and let them answer)


:P Okay, maybe I do know for some. Maybe having that knowledge wouldn't change anything about my relationship with them. But it makes me feel a little closer to them. :P (Simple fool?)


Our relationship is based on trust, acceptance and feelings. All these intangible and fragile things like eggs that you hugged close to your heart while walking on a tightrope. Things that needs to be treated with care and cherished properly.


Despite meeting up perhaps only once every month, but the bond doesn't go become weak. In fact, I feel that ever since we graduate, the bond became stronger.


I know that "forever" is more of a dream, a fantasy. But I still hope that our friendship will pull through somehow.  


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A reason to be here

Sometimes, its easier forgetting those reasons when I am being dragged into my own black hole.

A black hole is very scary. It sucks up any life force or anything close to it, even absorbing light.  Sometimes...the force is so great, that I am scared that it swallow me up also.

Thinking and wanting is indeed meaningless. Only doing helps.
But what can be done to something that is already broken beyond repair. Sometimes, it seems so much easier to just cut out my heart and throw it away.. Maybe then, it wouldn't hurt so much.

But that is not going to happen.... Trying to pretend everything is alright. Trying to pretend that I am okay. Sometimes I wonder. How long more am I trying to cheat myself? haha..

What can I do other than that?.... Whatever... Life goes on.

New Blog Skin

Finally managed to edit the new blogskin to my liking.

I think i want to learn how to create one. The code for all the different colours.
Maybe get Darlene to teach me to upload a cbox and how to put in pics without it becoming a question mark. It really gets on my nerve.How to use a photobucket, will bug Alex for it since she has one and hopefully, knows how to use it.

I chose Multimedia as my CDS thinking that it was different art media, when in fact, it was about computer....But at least its useful. Just hopefully I don't kill the computer before it kills me. =_=.. Lets just hope both the com and me will survive unscathed. Somehow


Now its the holidays. :D :D :D Meaning I got lots of time to kill.

First on list would be to find a part time job...

Second would be to find out about the things I wanna know
like sign language and astronomy (going to the lib to check it out later ^^)

Third would be trying out cheesecake from all places. So far, I still think the lemon cheesecake made by my friends and I is the best! :D
The one for the DIY cake shop: The cream cheese on top is too....thickening
The one from McCafe one is not bad!: The cream cheese is nice!
But the biscuit bottom is...... they dun really care about it, I think.

To me, cheesecake must have biscuit bottom. The next few cheesecake on my list are Hans, Secret Recipe and Ikea. Hopefully, I get to try them out.


Fourth would be to build up my creativity...hmmm...how do you do that????

Fifth would be to do a proper illustration for my story since the one I hand up was...... (lets just say... I want to burn it)

Sixth, Pick up my courage to go for the Urban Sketchers' Group? (... i mean, I really really do want to go....) And not chicken out of the REACH community: I can't say, I want to help people but just sit at home and do nothing, right? Sides, it would be a pity to miss out such a great opportunity like this since it might be something I want to do in the future. (My mum might kill me but then again....lets just let the future worry for itself)
I pray I will find courage from somewhere to go for it.Sides, I might get to meet new friends???? (Someone help me........I am scared...) 


Seventh, try to make holiday fulfilling instead of rotting in front of the computer. Do finish that art piece. Learn how to use Imovie? (Clarie did teach me a bit. Wonder if I can bug her)

Eighth, Enough blogging. Let do it. :)

Lastly, Enjoy your holidays, my dear friends. Make it a fulfilling one! Remember to take care of your health.