Crying without tears

It hurts a lot. But I can't cry. My heart seem to be the only organ functioning, feeling the blow of her stabbing words over and over again.

  Is it because I am weak and powerless as a kid thats why you hurt me?
  Is it because I am defenseless and can't stand up for myself
  thats why you insult me over and over again?
  Is this the type of "love treatment " that other people shower their loved ones with?

Its hurting. And I don't know how to fixed this broken self. Caught in between everything. I can only be frozen like a doll, defenseless, unable to hear anything. All numb yet somewhere inside, its breaking. Its almost as if there is a black hole inside of me, threatening to eat me up too.

Living is already hard enough yet you have to make it harder. Adults....

A great way to start the new year.

Swing Swing~

Swing Swing~ Swing me away
Swing me away, far from this place.
Drinking the golden dew drops of the sun, 
surrounded with the perfume of the earth.


Swing me higher than the mountains,
Farther than the fields,
right into the soft and gentle clouds,
taking in the beautiful blue before me.


Then landing down, with hair all over my face :D
eyes glittering...out of breath...cheeks glowing pink..Hahaha ^^

The tree outside my window

I realised a lot of things.

You don't die of heartbreak, struggles and pain, You only wish you had.

Sometimes, I look at the tree outside the window. Feeling that I am like an greenhouse flower compared it. Yet I am already half wilting as compared to it. Despite being grown it an urban surrounding, it seems to still be able to grow so strong and tall.

All you have to do is look at it, to feel this soft sad atmosphere surrounding it. When the wind blows, the spirit of the tree seems to come out and play. Both laughing so carefree and dancing so majestically. When it rains, droplets of water hang on the leaves like pearls glistening in light. While the wet earth enveloped the tree like its perfume, musky yet familiar.

Birds building their home on the tree, safe and warm. But humans chopped off the branches, not heeding to its cries and screams, you can't hear it. However, you can feel it in your bones, the tingling movement that seems to pierce your heart. Their silent scream. All the sudden, you just feel yourself crying without tears inside.

The tree outside my window. So ordinary like any other tree yet you could feel this connection with it. 

Eyes close, Heart out

   Closing my eyes, I wonder if I could see the world better that way. I can be blind to my own pain and sufferings but see other peoples' one clearer instead.

  But what makes me angry is that I can't help them. This helplessness. This uselessness. It makes me sad that I can only watch the person fall further and only be there for them.

  Not knowing what to say. Not knowing how to help. I can only hug and cry with them because they are suffering. It makes my heart bleed for them too. I want to do much more. So much more.

  When a person is not vain, then they can care for others.
  When a person went through the same suffering, then they can understand and help.
  When a person focuses on other people's problem, it help them to face theirs' better
  When a person help others, it makes them feel needed, it makes them feel wanted. It makes them feel important. :)

  Thanks for teaching me so much things~ to my very special friend. Hahaha >< But she wouldn't know cause she doesn't know my blog.

Going Crazy from love

You idiot! Idiot! IDIOT!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I want to kick you, Strangle you and I don't know! Damn it.  I like you a lot thats why I wanted to give up on you. But now you are doing things that make me misunderstand and feel hopeful again.

   Damn it! Can people just have signs? For example : I am interested in you or  I only see you as a friend or You are not important to me. Especially when you are SO HARD to read!!!


  Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!!!!! >< I should just bang my head against the wall. There : problem solved. No, wait. Best way: Extract my heart out. I feel better that way....Kidding

  Who ask me to out of so many thousand zillion million people to have fallen for you? Not that I regret it because its been one of the best moments of my life knowing you and liking you.

  Hahaha....at this rate, I might die of a heart attack. Not a literal one
 

On a dull dark morning like this....

I would want to skip school and fly away to a far away place..
        Wondering how the stars work?
                   Watching over the passer-by.
                       pretending I am not there. Invisible.
                              It feels like a dream that is real. Surreal

I want to close my eyes. And explore my own world.
        I would be at a solitary forest and lying at a patch of grass
                Climbing up a tree and hugging that tree. Feeling its soul
                       Or floating upon a lake, feeling rain drops fall on my face.
                              Maybe dancing with the wind on top of a cliff as free as I want
                                   Or just find a place closest to the night sky, listening to the stars sing

far far away...from this world.

far far away... fly away

lets runaway....

Self struggle

I want to pretend everything is okay. I want to pretend for a while that I am strong.

I know I can be strong but I can't help feeling vunervable in this storm

I know I can do it if I believe but so many doubts and judgements constantly attack me

I want to face this storm but I feel like a warrior fighting without amour

I just want to close my eyes, scream and runaway, hide into my fantasy glass world

But reality and problems will often cruelly claw me back

Thorns of roses cruelly blinded my eyes but it doesn't stop making me want roses

Like a drug I can't get away from, I am sick of this weak, pathetic self

Now I only feel like collasping and sleep away.....

I want to become stronger as a person

I want to become better as a person

I am constatly trying to improve myself everyday

I am putting and trying my best everyday

I know that I can do it

I can become a person I can be proud of

I can be a strong person that I want to

and I can stop being so weak,

stop feeling so helpless

stop acting so patethic



I want to believe. Believe that I always have it in me. I can do anything I want. I can. I Can. I CAN!

 I want to believe. I need to believe. I have to believe. 

Today

Today is a day when I want to bash people, mince them into pieces,  strangle someone. Perhaps learn some black magic to curse and Curse and CURSE!!!! *&%&$#@#  

 For today, I shall name that person "@".

I am okay with @ at first till one day, okay, lets not talk abt it if not this list will go on and on.

Anyway, I just want to wring @'s neck right now. This person @ can say my work is not gd enough. @ can say my wk is not up to standard or not want @ is looking for. But this this THIS @#&%^# "@" call me one word. A word that I feel @ have no right whatsoever to say it.

 @ called me lazy

LAZY

I repeat

LAZY

This person called me "lazy". Does this person even know how much effort I try or even put in everyday? Does this person even know that I work so hard everyday? Ever freaking day of my life?

Does this person even know how much, how freaking much that that word.....that word affect me?

I work so HARD every freaking day because I want to get a scholarship to go university. I work so damn hard because I want to fulfill my mother's wish. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to be happy. I want to prove to her that I can be someone she can be proud of instead of often being that stupid, ignorant, fat and useless girl.

@ judge me just so easily that. Just cause of the low marks on my paper. Just cause I wasn't up to @'s standard. I have no idea what to say except for the fact that @ is a shallow person who only see appearances and judge people by marks. I really hate it. Seriously. @.

  Next. This person who shall be known as "#".

A nice person but annoying. I need to tell # that she is this close to pushing my anger button which is not easily to touch. # needs to watch out what she says. She says what she wants without knowing her limit, I guess. I need to tell her already. I can't tolerate it any longer. SIGH. Why do I always have to face this type of thing? 

Why do people use words so easily like that

hurting people?

Don't say I am too sensitive. Cause even if I am not, you have absolutely no right to use words to hurt people just because you assume that person is or just cause you think you are better and say it.

I hate people who are like that.

Good thing that happen- I keep bumping into my favorite person today.^^

Hey, I miss you

I miss the carefree times we once shared,
the jokes we cracked,
the laughter and joy we shared.


The memories are so bittersweet.
Teasing was common between us,
we share hardly anything in common
yet feel so safe and close to one another.


Maybe cause we know how loneliness feel
so we embrace each other's heart more carefully
and cherish every moment of it


Fights we may have
but soon gotten over
and friends we are again. :D


All those joyous times,
when my soul feel most at ease,
I wonder where it went...


Perhaps some other days, I guess.
Till we meet again... ^^

Alice in the Wonderland

Queen of Hearts is chopping off people's heads again...

The Duchess could only cry and hurt inside 

Mad Hatter is not helping at all

as they watch the axe landing on Knave of Hearts.

Duchess's heart was tearing

She was crying

again

She knew that the Queen was twisted beyond help

but she kept on waiting..

Waiting for The Queen of Hearts 

to wake up one day and realise

that her ruling methods was all wrong

that she was only hurting others

and by doing that 

she was hurting herself the most

But it seems to be too late

as a little piece of Queen's heart 

is lost more and more each day 

Queen of Hearts 

even split herself into two

locking up the good Queen of Spades

deep within her heart

so that she could rule without hurt

Duchess could only pray and hope

that Alice would hurry up arrive

to stop this never-ending torture

This endless cycle where everybody is hurting

where everyone is living in pain

All Duchess could do was to

 secretly send White Rabbit off to seek for Alice

as she silently pray with all her might 

that everything would go well

Turning her head to Cheshire Cat

"Quick! Run away, and help Alice"

"Make sure that the Queen would never find you"

"Remember to tell her"

"The key is with the Queen of Spades"

Only Alice can save her now....

A Queen who love her kingdom so much

that her heart eventually broke

Her people who wants to save the Queen so bad

that they would do anything

even at the price of their heads

to get their Old Good Queen back....

Kite like Stars...

I made friends with kite

one without strings

for a while I flew on it

and we soar up the sky happily

Being through a lot fun and struggles

sharing heart strings

that blissful moment

seem to last forever

till one day....

the wind blew

and it flew off without me

I went in search high and low 

for a sight of it

however kite belong to the sky

while me?

I dunno

Kite dancing through the clouds and stars

so breathtakingly

while I look at myself

this rough redundant rock

utterly worthless

Chasing kite was like catching stars

so far beyond my reach

yet near my heart

weathering to pieces

just for this answer

how long and painful it is

Fate and time
are the only magic
left now.... 

Zombie

Homework piling up

faster

than we can finishing

Towering heights 

building up

threatening to bowl us over

Feeling all tired and overwhelmed

climbing

that huge tall mountain

Time

tickling 

away like sand

Days seep into nights

soon

another new day began

Dateline coming nearer and nearer

torturing 

us like hardworking slaves

Is there a way to stop this madness?

drowning

in a dark sea of time and books

Only the survivor will win this race

thus 

working 24/7 like a clock

never stops.

Close my eyes and Breathe

My tears you can't see.

My life, you try to destroy.

My eyes, scarred with hurt.

My mouth, you restricted.

And now,

I am trying hard to breathe.

But with every word of yours,

you suffocate me further,

like being throw into the 

grim dark hopeless sea.

I try to cover my ears,

in hopes of drowning out your words.

but somehow, 

like black magic,

it penetrate through the thin membrane

and affect as badly as ever.

Every time, I open my mouth,

trying to show my perspective.

It not called explaining,

its considered 'arguing'.

I don't even what is right or wrong anymore.

Because of you,

I can't trust anyone.

Because of you,

I hide behind my wall full of locks 

retreating into my glass world.

Because of you,

I can't even believe in myself.

Because of you,

I am constantly wondering what am I born here for.

Battle Field

What was once considered a safe shelter 

now reduced to a battle field. 

A hunger for power and control

A fight of survival for the weak

Stay strong or Die,

the only rule in this madness

Lashing tongues like whips

against feeble walls of hearts

Cruel sharp eyes

against eyes desperate not to cry

In this crazy mess

the constant need to find ourselves

to differentiate right or wrong

to know what is bad or good

its a total chaotic confusion 

is this battle between us beyond help?

Sometimes there is peace

but it never last

sometimes its just a front

so that you can pull me deeper into the depths of darkness

In this constant struggle

you seem to disappear more and more each day

Always trying to destroy our only hope

trying to crush and break us beyond repair

but never letting us die

this slow and cruel torture

a revolting cycle that never stops

and seem to never end

Tears and blood strewed everywhere

is this fight necessary?

Must we keep hurting each other?

Must we be beyond help before this madness can be stop?

I don't want to fight.

I hate it.

But blinded by your misery and fury

you can't seem to let go....

Blindfolded..

Did I do something wrong?

Was I a bad girl again?

Is that why are you leaving too?

I thought that you are different.

That you are not one of them.

But it seems that I might be wrong.

I really try my best.

Trying my best not to spoil our relationship

Trying my best to be a good girl 

so that we could still be friends.

But I guess I messed up again.

I shouldn't have,

of all people,

To fall for you.

Its my fault again.

I am sorry.

I don't expect or want the same from you.

All I want is just to be friends.

But this is punishment for me, I guess.

I really didn't want to...

but somehow it happen.

From your stories and wisdom,

to empty silence and shadows.

From your kindness and joy,

now nothing but sadness.

Looks like I broke it again.

the heart I was hugging so tightly to my chest

while walking on a tightrope

Looks like I took too much of a risk

that lead us to the path we are now

I should have known better

Despite the way we are now,

I am still hoping that there is still a chance.

A chance for us...

to remain Friends.

I am still gasping on to that flicker of hope everyday.

Quotes

"Miracles happen everyday, even the fact that you are still living and breathing is a miracle"

             "There is a reason why you are born and you are born to find the reason then fulfill it"

    "Magic happens everywhere, it only matters if you were there to catch it"

                                    "If you can talk, sing. If you can walk, dance."

                                                       "Love all you can because its all you got"

                           "One who loses a friend, loses much. But one who loses hope, loses all"

         "If my friend were to jump off the bridge, I wouldn't jump with them. I will stand below the bridge to catch them when they fall."

These are quotes that I pick up from everywhere. To inspire me and strengthen me when things get down. :D

                           

Crush

I think I am going Crazy. either that or falling in love. 

    I try my best not to. But since when do I have a choice?

        The worst part? I spend the holiday trying to let memories of us being together fade away

                Instead? It keeps replaying so clearly in my mind, the talk, the laughter, the joy

    Its funny as I watch the memories play as I watch the scene again but my heart aches. Because, this is not suppose to happen. And I don't know what to do.

            I keep wondering if you could possibly have feelings for me too? Do you get breathless when I look at you too? 

    I have to get real. I need to. Because I end up needing you more than you need me.
    It seems my sanity is hanging at a balance.... 

     

10 reasons not to fall in love

Today I read a book named “10 reasons not to fall in Love”.

From the title, it sounds like a funny quirky where this guy would try to prove the girl wrong and make her fall in love with him.

But it is more than that.

It is about a Mother (Jo Gilroy) single-handedly raise up her son (Alfie,2 years-old) as the father walk out of their life when Alfie was only one. She is a strong woman trying to become the best mother to her boy because her mum was too stern on her. To her mother, she was an utter disgrace and a failure.

Then this guy, Dan Brady came along to romance her.

It is his story that makes me feel so attached to this book.

His father is a drunkard and often beat up his mum.

Nobody can truly understand what it feels like. 

To watch two parents fight.

The funny-bad feeling in your stomach.

The want yet utter helplessness to want to stop it.

Asking how did it end up like this and blaming yourself.

Wanting someone to whisk you away so badly from all this.

The you that is crying so bad inside and breaking apart within

yet 

still trying so hard to face everyone like everything is alright and okay

All you wanted was love

however

All everyone know is to look at you and pity you. 

Go read the book. It is really awesome and very nice. Never tell someone you understand what their situation is like unless you have never been in it before. Because you can never truly know how it feels like unless you are one of them...

Web of pain

Broken promises

entangling hurtful thorns 

all blinding us

in this web of pain

Tears of crimson blood

flowing from a heart 

made of shattered glass

Ears that are defective

yet mouth that work in full condition

directing hatred, anger and abuse

towards us

The real you 

dying more and more each day

as you hurt me

as you hurt him

as you hurt yourself

Like a cactus 

full of thorns

showing all your scars and pain

jealous of other people 

happier than you

What are you trying to achieve?

establishing that only you are in pain?

expecting people to treat you like queen?

wanting to turn us into you?

What do you want?

I bet you don't even know

often asking the impossible

often thinking only about you and your pain

often only thinking that you are perfect

Blind to the hurt you are causing

Blind to the pain you are inflicting

Blind to the things people do for you

Blind to the people around you

So beaten down

by loneliness, pain and misery

that you lost yourself

 to the problems 

What happened to you now,I wonder? The one who is crying so loudly from your heart.

Eyes close

I like you a lot.

But I can’t tell you,

When I see you,

I can’t help wanting to kiss you.

When I miss you,

I can’t help wishing you would suddenly appear

And whisk me away to a world of our own

When I am with you,

I just want to snuggle up to you

And breathe in deeply your scent.

But in reality……

I shall close my eyes,

and make time stop for a while.

I need to free myself from these chains

that are bound to my heart

and make my life each day

a brand new start

open out more to this whole new world

fill with so much possibilities and adventure

Life is not just about being struck rotting at home

or just problems and worries

It about the way you live

              the way you see

              the way you learn

~Live like its your last, never stop loving, never stop having fun while learning :)

Holding you close to my heart

When I see you, these feelings just can't stop rushing out. All I want to do is look deep into your eyes and tell you those words that mean so much to me.

However when some things become so precious to you

all the more would you hold it closer to your heart

like a fragile egg

that needs a lot of care

You don't want to destroy it.

You don't want to lose it.

You just want to keep it close to your heart

Forever.....

So don't ask me why I am crying. Because all I want to do is to look at you. Because meeting you have been one of the happiest moments of my life but bittersweet at the same time. 

Lost

Crap this. Crap.I just wrote a long post, to have it deleted. What the crap?!!!! Gosh. I hate this. Stupid thing.

Her

                A raindrop

                                                                                                      A tear

                      A broken heart

                                                                                                                             A lifeless body

                                                           no heartbeat

   

                                                                                             Cold hands

                                   emptiness 

Silence

                   

                                                                                                                                                regret

                                                                                           bounds

                                                                                                        torn wings

                                  Blood 

     Pain 

                                                                                       misery

    

Snow flakes

The snow is cold

gloved hand

thick layer clothes

 but can never be replace by

human warmth

The distance

the cold

the silence

make everything seem 

so empty and hollow

Letters full of words

but 

why does it make one feel more lonely than ever

spattered teardrops 

decorating it

White flakes

sent from heaven

I wonder how are you doing now?

but these thoughts and feelings 

can never reached from here..

if only I can dissolved like the snow

or disappear with the wind

maybe then

I can also be by your side

constantly around you

The snow melting to my warm breath..

Please, stop twisting my heart like that

Being around you

makes me so nervous and listless

I can't help blushing

and my heart can't stop beating like crazy

I think at this rate

I might die of an attack

being with you

makes me feel very vulnerable

like as if you can see me very clearly

my thoughts and my action

always leaving me so breathless without words

and so worked up over your words

Like the wind

you come and go

sometimes, I wonder if you care 

other times, I feel so safe with you

my feelings for you

I wonder if you will ever know

a meeting of two people 

with similar interest

yet not the same

Is this what you call 

Fate or Love?

or

Fate and Love?

Breakaway

I hate being tied down. I hate being forced. I like to be free. Strong and free.unyearning and just going where I want. Throwing away every single responsibility and every single worry to the wind. To be unemotionally attached to everything and be true to myself. Any place under the sky would be my home.

Dancing under the sun's warmth, 

the grass plain would be my platform, 

the flowers,trees, and clouds would be my audience.  

The birds and crickets would be the music

while I would danced with the wind

soaring high 

with my dress trailing behind me

Leaving behind everything behind would definitely be harder than said. But I need to Breakaway.. I need to be on my own. I need to remember and find out who I am. I wouldn't forget the people who were a part of my life, but I need to make a start for myself. By finding missing pieces of me that I have lost during these busy years full of struggles. I need to Find back myself. 

Silent Prayer

Let me believe

    Let me hope

       Let me have something to live for

         Let me know that one day, Definitely, it will happen.

     Because 

I need something to live for

I need something to bring me through the day

  Let me believe

that there is still hope for this

Let me believe 

that there is still hope for me 

Let me remember

even should my world fall to pieces

there are still people to care

Let me remember

that love have the greatest power of all

Let me remember

that I always have it in me

the power to be the person I want

the power to change my future

always...

"everything is possible as long as I believe in it"

Thank you

Breaking beyond the point of no return

all the hurt

all the pain

how much more do I have to bear?

How much easier 

life would be without Love

others wouldn't hurt you

and you wouldn't hurt others

All these hurt

trapping me

pieces of mirror

stabbing into my heart

I can't bear it anymore

the hurt

the pain

keep piling 

keep building up

When will it end?

can you tell me?

You who is blinded by your own pain

vent it out on others

fail to realise others are hurting too

believing that you are the only one

only one who scarifice so much

 think that everyone is out there to hurt you

You 

you cared for other's welfare

so much 

that you forgotten yourself

feeling that no one appreciated you

thus you are always out there

expressing your pain and sorrow

trying to pull us into guilt and sorrow

along with your words

slowly...you changed.

From smiles

to frowns

From laughter

to anger

Everyone was an eyesore to you

you are the only perfect person

the only flawless person

Always beating people down

Always trying so hard

to make them

to make me

feel worthless

I don't know what to do anymore

my words can't reach you anymore

you wouldn't listen anymore

you are not the same person anymore

So blinded with your own pain

you end up hurting us

you end up hurting me

Most of all, you end up hurting yourself

Now?

Me

I am lost.