I am just me. The imperfect little me

Maybe we were enemies in our past life

that why we keep hurting each other

your words and my decisions

I can't be what you wish for

bringing nothing but disappointment to you

sometimes, even I feel sad for you

Maybe if you had another child

or someone who can give you everything

you wouldn't be this sad or angry

Being with you 

makes me feel like being a broken doll

broken beyond repair

I wonder what is it I am lacking

that makes you so unhappy

I honestly don't know

Somehow failing all the invisible test

breaking all the unspoken rules

until I don't know what is right or wrong anymore

Why are you always so explosive?

Why are you always so miserable?

Why can't you just be happy?

Treading on the broken glass around you

I see myself breaking more and more each day

Who or what am I now?

I am trying so hard to be perfect

Honest

I tried. I somehow just can't.

I am sorry

Trying to please you

Trying to make you happy

is so tiring

I just want to disappear

fade away even

since my existence caused you nothing but pain

 I am just me

no matter how imperfect or how lacking

Its who I am

bye now,

I have to go.

If can, I pray that you will someday find happiness

without me.

I am sure you did be a lot happier

smiling even

like how you always used to

even though its gone now

because of me

I hope that you would be able find it back someday ~

Whoa, Been MIA for sooooooooo long.......

Wonder if anyone even read this blog anymore. 

Just an update, on my final project now.

Its crazy. Especially when you have anew lecturer taking charge of you. Hmmmm...

Anyway, for the future. I got a rough idea but no confirm plan. Haven't start researching on it, to be honest, I think I am just being a chicken and trying not to think about it... :/ Its scary.

I actually got a lot of things I want to rant about but there are simply too much and I am simply to tired to say? 

The pitch black darkness scares me

I can't see

my feet are rooted to the ground

fear parlaying me

Unable to move

Unable to make a single sound

Trembling at the unknown

wanting to escape what I don't know

Rays of soft moonbeams 

bathe me in their light

steadying my unstable heartbeat

chasing away the darkness

But the fears always have a way of creeping in

I ran, I scream, I shout, I cried

Nobody was there

There was no help to come

A slip of a food

suddenly I was sinking into a dark abyss

ice cold liquid 

spiking me into unconsciousness  

Harsh Truths

I want to believe that this world is not bad
that this world is not cold
that even though I may be full of wounds and scars today
I can still believe that tomorrow will be a better day

I want to believe that you can change
I want to believe that you still can love
But its so hard
Trapped within your own thorns and old scars

You blindly hurt everyone around you
Breaking and cursing at all the hearts around you
I want to run far away
Back to the point of time when I was free

Free from you and your abuses
I am tired
My tears are enough to fill a sea
yet you still wouldn't be able to see
the hidden pain you caused

Reality can get so cold and cruel at times
Its so hard to try to get up every single time
Falling hurts beyond imagination
Every rejection stabs deeply

Sometimes, I just want to fade into nothing
So that I don't have to face you anymore
So that I don't have to face such a day anymore
So that I don't have to hurt like this anymore

Everything irritates me now

I hate today.

I am so sick of trying so hard, nothing comes out of it.

Nobody appreciates the amount of effort anyone puts in

My parents just assumes I slack the whole day

I keep trying and redoing but nothing comes out right

TODAY SUCKS!

Almost could see the end then I was sent tumbling back down to the start

Lost in my concept

Haven't start on my research

Still need to worry about about other modules and work

Need to sketch some more.

@$%&%$@

All I want want is some peace and quiet, thanks for ruining it.

I am seriously starting to hate the everything now.

Hate you, today.

Back to work

Temptation

Temptation is a sweet honey trap

slowly luring you in

Despite knowing the consequences

Despite knowing the outcome is fruitless

But you slowly get enslaved inside

As you are being slowly seduce

by the time you wake up

you are drowning

Regret, sadness, panic

all this feeling collide at one

resulting in grasping for survival

why do I always fall for it

knowing what pains it may me

Why do I always know that its fruitless

yet still try to hold on to that thread of hope

hoping for a miracle to happen

Am I too naive and foolish?

or perhaps just to weak willed?

maybe I haven't fall hard enough

cause I keep thinking about turning back time

its too late now

for regrets

  

Too much wounds and scars

We are on different frequency

I feel like we are 2 pieces of magnet

forever repelling each other

I don't understand why you always have to talk in a way

that make me sound stupid and you are more superior

I don't understand why we can't have a conversation 

without you ending up rising your voice

and make it sound like the world is going to end

Why is it that everything has to always be about you?

Why do you think that you are the only one 

who would get tired, who would hurt?

You are so full of bitterness

That you end up poisoning everyone around you

Don't you realise you are pushing everyone away?

I don't expect you to support

but can you at least not push me

 further down this H*** hole I am already in?!!

What in the world is WRONG with you?

Why is it other people are forever full of flaws?

Why can't you see yours?

I hate you so much

It is hurting me

You can't see

I don't bother talking

This is going nowhere

I miss my life of independence

it may not be as comfortable or good

but I don't have to withstand verbal abuses everyday

I don't get pulled down by you and your hateful words

Out there, there are actually people who believe in me

who encourage me

who understand me

I don't expect you to understand me

I don't expect you to be loving and caring

But realise you are hurting everyone you love

Too much scars and wounds

will cause people to leave you

I at least hope that our relationship wouldn't be so bad

but I want to leave you

At this rate,

 I will just be dragged back to those dark days again.  

I don't want to ever go back anymore

The countryside house

Bye bye

Going to miss you.
The trees, the fields, the fresh air
the smile, the laughter, the friendliness

The bumpy ride out
The frog in the toilet bowl
The spiders everywhere
Lizards all about

Hand washing all the clothes
Drying in the sun
Early morning rays
calling us up

Million tiny stars
Soft moonbeams
Lighting our way home

The bonds of friendship

I want you to know

even if you leave

I will never forget you

because you have left an imprint in my heart

Even if in the coming future

we don't talk to each other anymore

I will still stalk you on Facebook

to check up on how you are doing

That even if you are miles away

Over the ocean and across the land

As long as you are happy and alive

under this beautiful blue sky

Know that I will be happy too

I know that everyone will sad to part words

but understand that the bonds of friendship

can't be broken that easily

Even if I can't be there

Even if there comes a day,

you forget my face

I will still forever miss you

Everything is in the hands of fate

and a bond that is managed by two

Both effort have to be made 

to maintain this burning flame

to keep it from dying out

But remember that everything 

goes through a passage of time

Everything fades

and turns into wonderful memories

Memories that made you who you are

Memories that brought you to today

As long as I have left footprints in your heart

that is more than enough

Definitely, even for me

It is tough to say goodbye

but you can't embrace your future

if you forever stay in the past

People come, People go

Every beginning is a new chapter in your life

For all of us,

It just the beginning

Just remember,

I will always be here

whenever you need me

Don't forget

All these beautiful memories

that we shared

though short but sweet

will stay in our hearts. 

Words that I will never say....

You were lost 

and you needed me

but I know not where you are 

Know that for you, 

no matter the fear and danger

I would still go and save you

Down the memory lane,

I could once again see your sweet smile

and bask in your joy and innocent

However, all too fast,

you run away,

Out of my sight

You disappeared

I was so scared

Where are you?

In search of you

All I had, was a head full of thoughts

and a heart full of you

Knowing that you are crying somewhere

all alone and scared

in need of me

Despite my fears and insecurities

Despite the fact I am just an ordinary girl

I would still fight against the whole world

If I have to

Just for you

Because you are precious

Too important to me

Someone I don't want to ever live without

Just thinking about it

I can't breathe

It was such a nightmare

when I realised you disappear

somewhere I don't know

Somewhere out of my reach

that I immediately woke up from this nightmare 

because I don't want to ever have to experience this feeling

ever again

A pain so unreal

yet makes you feel like your heart got ripped apart

and you can only scream and cry inside

Please....

I begging you

Don't leave 

Don't go

I need you so much

These words that I can never say...

Faraway Dream

Hours slipping by

Time ticking by

Minutes running out

Work piling up 

So much research to do

Never ending workload

A reality so much like a dream

but even dreams have an end

An end that is drawing near

Blue sky, so wide and free

Greenery and mountains everywhere

Night sky, full of stars

A life that I secretly wish for

yet the road is still long

thus it can only stay as a faraway dream

Update

Hi pips,

I am doing fine. So good that I don't want to back. Over here is so relaxing and the kids are so cute! They keep bugging us to play with them. Its a bit sad to realise that I only left 3 weeks and 3 days. I am a bit sad to part with my independent life too. I guess I like being independent but it must also be because the environment is good. Its so relaxing here! 

My eyes actually got tired at staring at the computer for less that 15 mins! I guess the thing I love the most here is the HUGE HUGE SKY that ends on so faraway that it touches the mountain on the other side. I really love this scenery but I only get to see it when I go back to my hometown. I am going to lie down on the grass one evening and just spend all of the time to look at the sky.

Those hours, minutes and seconds that were so precious, I don't dare to waste while I am working, I am going to spend all those time looking at the SKY. ^^ Heck to the busy life style, if you must know, I honestly HATE you. I am going to cherish all the time I have here because the moment I go back, I need to start on this huge project alr. Back to the long, tedious, stressful zombie life style. Hate you to the core.

Actually I kind of finish all my assignments for internship yesterday already, so kind of clueless what to do now. The manager want us to teach design, =_=.....we have Language barrier. Anyways we got 2 weeks of holiday!!! :D Cause its a impt holiday in this country here so the sewing ladies are going back for 2 weeks. That means we can do whatever we want for the 2 weeks. :) Just that we have to cook for ourselves the 2 weeks also. Hopefully it goes well. I mean I love cooking for myself but ya....

Going to enjoy the rest of the time here~ till then~ Bye

Internship

Hi ppl, 

I know its been a supppperrrrrrrrrrrrr long time since I last posted some thing. So now I shall post about my internship, to make it up, I will post a really long one.

I am currently on an overseas internship. Honestly when we were arriving here, there were a lot of freaking problems. I forgot to check in my scissors... honestly....=_=.....it was a mess. 

When we reached our destination, the heat is KILLING me. I was wearing long sleeve and sweating like crazy. I went on this trip with my 2 other classmates. It was a morning flight, so we were a bit tired but the lady-in-charge immediately brought us to the fabric market. It was quite interesting, the layout was no different from our country's fabric market. However fabric market are still forever like a maze, then we had burger and fries. This country only have KFC. Good. I am sick of fast food from my school. Its crazy, its like every 2 weeks, there would at least be 2 fast food dinners. SO SICK of them.

Then we were brought to our lodging. On the way, I was actually regretting my decision when I saw how ULU the country side place actually was. I thought if we were going to stay in those kind of wooden plank houses in this heat, I will go crazy.

TO my relief, it was a house. With a fridge, tap water and shower. We are sleeping in a long room with 2 bunk beds at each side. It was quite good room with plenty of room in the center. The best part, AIR-CON, in the room. I was expecting fans and a well. Cause the lady told me they only have well water. =_=...seriously, scare me for nothing.

Then we went to meet the sewing ladies. They are really nice and friendly. There are 6 of them, so we let them pick which of us they want to work with. Each of us have 2 sewing ladies, I have 3 because another lady joined. We try to know each other better by exchanging names and age. But the language barrier.....yeah....its a really big problem.

The first part of this week was used in sewing up of our first two designs. I had difficulty trying to communicate to them, even though there was the illustration and paper pattern they could refer to. It was still hard. Especially when you need to teach them how to sew certain parts, luckily there is also a very skilled sewing teacher to help us.

We made friends with the local staff, PC and she brought us to look around the area. It was interesting and fun because the children also tag along with us.  We saw the pig farm, and plantations and fish pond. The scenery around this area is awesome, the sky is so big here. It was so peaceful and you feel like one with the nature here. Technology, phones, ear phones and computer, seems so far away here. There are also so many stars here at night, the moon light is so bright here too.

The second part of the week was spent on grading and tracing patterns for the different sizes for our designed garments. Time pass so slow here, I almost feel like we been living in that little house all our life. I realised that living together, can either break or bring relationships closer. I am on good terms with KL and L, and I guess, for me, they are moving beyond the classmate zone. They seem to do the same for me too. They start calling me their "friend" now instead of their classmate. I don't trust people easily but for now, they are in my "classmate-going-on-to-friend zone". The people who I call my friends are those whom I really trust. So to the privileged few who know of this blog and know where in the world I am right now, yes you! You all are my treasured friends in my <3 . I know you all know it too. :) ;) Sorry, I didn't update, the wifi here is super lousy. 

I can only be online from morning till 6pm. The wifi is unstable. 

Since the day I came here, I guess its been 2 weeks and 3 days. From our house to the city, it takes around 2 hours. We seem to be going out almost every week since we need to get fabric to sew up our garments. The 1st week was very stressful, we were working even on our off day. I guess, its because we were still getting used to the environment. 2nd week, I decided a schedule for myself because I stressed out myself too much by trying to catch up to my classmates' pace. 

We had a rather good weekend for the 2nd week since KL' father came to visit her so he also brought us along. We started off by going for shooting. The gun noises were so loud so we had to wear ear muffs. The rest tried out a rifle, I was scared so I only try out a hand gun. The hand gun was rather heavy and it didn't hit anything, guess the targets were too far away. It still feels scary holding a weapon that can kill. I realise then, that when you want to take a person's life, it either you are too caught up with all the bad emotions or when you are ready to carry a weight on your shoulders. I think I can understand a bit how hard it is to do that. By taking a life, somehow your conscience will be there resounding with you too. 

  Then we went to visit a museum, there were a lot of stone statutes, we also saw skeletons, jewels and broken accessories. I was a bit freaked by the skeletons in the burial grounds. The designs of everything were so intricate and interesting. 

   We also went to visit the palace, the place was huge. The decorations of the buildings and designs of the garden are so intricate as well. We saw a lot of golden carving and paintings. But I thought it was rather boring. There isn't much to admire about except for the items owned by the royal family.

Then we went to another market to buy some shirts before heading back to the house. Our house is quite freaky at night. Over here, it get dark really fast and by the time we finished dinner. We wouldn't be able to see our house unless we switched on the front door night. The irritating thing is the crazy amount of insects that greet us every time we come back from dinner. =_= In the house too, there are a few in the toilet, its damn ANNOYING. 

At night, the bugs and lizards are loud that they wake up as I am a very light sleeper. I can't sleep properly even now. :( Hopefully it will get better. The house is also scary cause its like a stand alone house away from other buildings. Haiz....oh wells. Thats it for now.

The wifi sucks. I am waiting for it to work now so that I can post it for you guys. But the stupid wifi is like that, its not even 6 and its already like shut off. *Angry.....still waiting for it to WORK....

PS: Hope you all are safe and sound. :) Please take care.  

Lunch, one of those days..

Well, everyday is a day. Some really boring. Some really unique.

I guess it is one of those rare unique where I actually got enough courage to invite my lecturer for lunch. I wanted to for a while and I finally manage to. :) Hahaha. At least I wouldn't regret now.

So its been fun. We went to another school because I wanted to eat the chilled bean curd again. Its really awesome. I like to eat all around the school except for my own one, obviously. Its so boring.

I was scared that it might become really awkward but it turn out really fun. (Maybe cause I was too embarrased so I cause quite an entertainment? =_=|||)

So for her, it was the first time we were actually on time. Hahaha.. I mean its lunch, not submission. So ya. I was nervous...but I dun think its just me. Haha. All of us actually. Its my first time inviting a lecturer, I don't even know why I got that idea from. I think since the time she treat me breakfast. Ya, I really got shocked. Hahaha.

So we just talk a lot of random things because we don't really know each other well after all and we are trying to get to know each other more? Maybe I wouldn't be so scared of her after this? That was the ironic part. She thinks she isn't scary anymore. Honestly, even though she claim she is 10% of how scary she was last time, it is still enough to intimidate us. More than enough for me at least. 

It is always refreshing to get to know someone. I read somewhere that "women are like onions, you have to peel them layer by layer." Its true, at least for me. Speaking of which, I never thought that she would reveal such personal stuff. I wasn't going ask any really personal questions, I hate it when people do that to me. my personal stuff is like a chest with lock that is zipped away in a suitcase and I hid the key away. I throw the suitcase into the deep sea and shut the cellar door TIGHT.

But it is obviously not hidden or enclosed well enough. Bad thoughts always have a way of sinking their claws into me. I really really really really HATE and DETEST them. But I can't get rid of them. They are the ugly side of me. A me that makes me whole. Okay. enough. this isn't about me.

Back to Lunch.

It was so funny, we purposely pick a school canteen so that she cannot treat us. But I was so WRONG.  We reached the canteen while having a nice flow of conversation till she suddenly say, "Okay, this is lunch so its my treat". And she took $20 out of her wallet and tried to shove it into my hands. I ran. Yes, RAN. The best part, she ran after me with the money, in her heels some more. O_O....I ran and hide behind a pillar.

So she chase after my class mate and succeeded in stuffing the money in her hands. Which began round 2, my classmate chasing after me and stuffing it in my hands. =_=.....And she succeeded. Best part, I wanted to vomit and I was going to eat lunch. I didn't use the money, I return it along with the change, lucky thing she didn't get angry.

There was this awkward silence till she make my classmate ask her questions. It was rather funny. So we just ask questions like what is the meaning of her name and all weird stuff. Basically, I was trying to avoid anything that have to do with class, school and Cambodia. But it always link back. The atmosphere would become very serious and depressing.

Until the bean curd. Seriously....the bean curd. =_=....a bean curd that got me into a lot of trouble... So my classmates ditched me with her to buy bean curd. She was like:" Don't worry, I wouldn't eat you, you don't have to be so frightened of me." She IS very very very scary, maybe in a different way from my mum. But just as bad.

But all in all, she is better. She wouldn't purposely try to hurt me and she apologises. Adult who apologises is one that I admired a lot. So they came back with the beancurd all too soon. So She ask me why I don't want to eat my bean curd. I got certain ways in eating certain stuff. Like bread, burger and other thingS. They are weird and some are really unpleasant. But I like eating it like that instead of the normal boring ways. :P

So she got curious but I wasn't going to say. Hello. Why would I wanna ruin my good image?? so that was when it started going out of control....I wouldn't tell so she pressurised my classmate and say that she can threaten people better than me. =_=...Obviously I was going to stop my classmate from telling. Yup, so a scene from a drama nicely built up there, to the point where I even try to forcefully drag my classmate away from her. My other classmate just sit there very happily watching the show. The heck?! Seriously?!!!

It was so embarrassing. =_= but it ended sadly....with the topic of the Cambodia thing again. Xian.
Oh wells, till next time. :) hopefully, we can have lunch with her again. :)

Sick

Less than 4 days left, people....

And, I am sick. =_=""
Seriously...But its not really my fault.All the late night stays due to rushing of assignments.
Can't lecturers understand and sympathies with us rather than just expecting? The freak. Seriously.

I find it so hard to even breathe. People just effortlessly pile their expectations on me, its tiring.

I wonder what it would be like there.
Would I miss this place?
Would I miss my family?
Would I regret the decision I make?

Oh wells, I am just in a neutral mood now. Lets start letter writing. :)

Waling dead

I want to close my eyes.
Pretend that I am anywhere else but here..
I am trying to reach somewhere
to touch the sky

But the journey is so tough.
The sky is so high up
I feel like I am treading a path of thorns
feet bleeding and all worn out

Yet I feel I am neither her nor there
its like the ground open up and swallow me
into the ever ending darkness
sinking deeper and deeper

Can't breathe
Can't cry
Can't scream for help
Don't know who to call out to

My shell of a body feels so exhausted
too tired to continue moving
My soul, nothing but drained spirit
This must be how its like to be a walking dead

Is this what life boils down to?
Its sad. What and where is the future we are working so hard for?
I can't see tomorrow. I can't see the light.
All I know is, I am tired.

I don't want to walk on already.
This isn't what I want.
This isn't how life is suppose to be.
I am just going to leave it all behind in a dream

Internship

Gulp....3 months.

I will be going to Cambodia for 3 months. Its not official or confirmed yet, but honestly speaking, despite being scared and all, I still want to go. ><

Even though I am going with another 2 classmates into another strange and unfamiliar place, but I still want to try. I want to check how independent I really can be and how I can survived there without my family.

At the same time, I can experience what my dad feel while working overseas for so many years. 3 months will definitely be nothing compared to the years he went through but at least I could have a glimpse of it.

In another few weeks, I will be flying off. :P The days kinda fly by. Well, just trying to finish off these 2 heavy modules. I got a lot of other things to do though but I am too hooked on the computer to do it.

3 months. What do you pack and how much?

Instant noodles? But I prefer the cooking kind.
Confirm taking my "pillow" and blanket there.
Clothes.....how much do you pack? 7 set?
ermmmmm....what else?
My sketchbook and stationery.
Lets see...medication. :/
Laptop? Still considering...
I don't know what else.
ps: Can i smuggle my friends along? XD 

Its super weird! I forward pack too much things in my school bag, end up it is so heavy! =_=... But if I travel to other country for a week or 2, one bag is sufficient for my things. I always take bare necessities....hmmm....wish me best of luck! :D ^^

Back to studies

I guess I am tired. Of the daily routine that never seem to end.

You either get bored to tears, lying on the bed stoning.
Or you stayed up the whole night rushing work, cursing and swearing.

Constantly pushing yourself to beyond maximum,
trying to be better, trying to aim somewhere,
which is like dunno where.
Beyond average, I guess

Okay.....Whacked up system here!
Work becoming more important than health.
People keep telling nonsense like,
"you just need to manage your time properly"

@@##$^&^^^*)%_$2$@$
Would be so kind to tell me how is that possible?
If only 1 person out of 72 in class can do it,
shouldn't that people start thinking if this system is actually suitable?!

Don't just say pretty words like confirm can.
Confirm can? CAN! You do 1st, then show me :)
Stupid adults.

True. I am complaining. Yes, I admit I sound childish, no life and watever. To those who have negative comments, WATEVER, I wasn't born to please you. >:P
I guess I am fed up. Not just me. I know a lot of people out there are fed up too. Ask me what is the craziest thing I have done so far? Nothing. I don't know anything beyond working hard for whatever my future plan is. My life is limited behing this 4 walls to this screen in front me.

.............................................................................Whatever..........Back to studying..............................

Being weight conscious

Okay, I hate the extra fats that are building up at my stomach and upper legs.

It disgusting. I keep telling myself to exercise which I am obviously not doing.
But I am definitely not the kind of girl who skip meals just cause I am getting fat. I feel that 3 meals are super important! Especially breakfast and lunch. Lucky thing, I took this food and nutrition class and understand the importance of dieting. (FYI, going on a "diet" does not mean cutting down on your meals. Diet means a balanced and nutritious meal.)

I love eating. So I am not going to do stupid stuff like eat less cause you might lose weigh but you will gain back twice the amount. And whats the point if it is going to make me tired and think about food all day? Slimming pills and medicine are......not my cup of tea. I have this medical condition which requires me to take quite a bit of medication in all kinds of form whenever I am sick. So naturally, I hate pills and all those stuff. They usually make me feel sicker that I already am.

Your 3 meals are important, don't bother cheating. Your body is smarter than you think. But everybody's body is different, some eat 3 meals a day like me, while others eat divide it into 6 meals a day as they have small appetite. Some people have high metabolism, those are the people who no matter how much they eat still stay the same.

So what may work for you might not be the same for others as everybody is different.

I do cut down on food but in a good way. Like anything other than my 3 meals are unnecessary like tea-break,snacking and supper.
I usually eat the most for lunch to get me going through the day. :) Breakfast is a must for me as I can't really function or think on an empty stomach. Having gastric or stomach ache is the last thing you need on an early morning to work or school

Tips

1. Eat protein-rich food for breakfast. 2 eggs are usually the recommended breakfast in keeping you full and energized for the day. Milk and cheese are good too. Oats may be healthy but not that effective
2. Eat fruits before a meal. It is nutritious and helps you not to eat too much for a meal.
3. Use a smaller plate when you are eating outside, as you will be tempted to fill up the whole plate
4. Eat more home-cooked food. That way you can cut down the seasoning and use a healthier cooking method.
5. Cut down on eating out with people. You tend to eat more in a crowd
6. Best way is still excising 3 times a day for half an hour. (I am trying to skip 200 times a day)

Yup, best way is still excising. So cut down computer time and go grab a friend or your ipod and start moving. :) The best exercise is swimming though. best time to exercise is actually evening, but I love morning the most, they are my favourite part of the day. I can never stop admiring the views in the morning, they are the loveliest thing ever. :)

My goal is to cut down 6 kg. Actually more of the fats that are gathering at the lower part of my body. They are seriously an eyesore.....Urg.....good luck, me. I will start...soon. 

Wish list

The things that I want

• Sewing machine (Should I get one??)
• I want to go online shopping!!!! :D Just for the experience
• Go USS
• Go Venice again! ^^
• The mug with a spoon slotted in the handle
• The pastel yellow top? (I just want a garment that is pastel yellow)
• I want to have a picnic!!! :D (Little stick of hotdogs, sandwiches...etc)
• Go shopping and buy at least 5 garments?
• Play games with my friends just like back in sec school
• I want the "Twister" game! :) Good fun and exercise! ^^
• I want to do something that is crazy and daring! (So that my life don't look dull, maybe cliff diving, flying fox, sailing down the waterfall?)
• I wanna go night viewing of fireflies again (below expectations but no words can describe the night view)
• Camp out! (What an adventure! In the western countries)
• Fly (I never stop dreaming about it)
• Being the happiest person in the world :D or at least be happy :)

Enough is enough!

Stop it people. Stop making everything MY PROBLEM.

Stop stepping over me and treat me like crap
Stop putting me down and making me feel like I am less than nothing!
Stop blaming me for everything! Can you please look at yourself and see what is wrong with you rather than blame everything on me??
Stop taking advantage of me, expecting me to help you when you are in need then throw me away after you are done with me. What the heck do you take me for?
STOP. JUST STOP,ok?

I am SICK AND TIRED of all you people.
Is it so hard to ask you to treat me with the same respect you would treat your friends? Stop taking advantage of me! Just taking my stuff without asking or keep borrowing from me cause you know I will always have. What the @$%$#TRRT$@%%$?!!!!

You freaking lazy pigs. What the heck do you even come school for without a freaking pencil and rulers to draw? I am not a damn bookshop which conveniently allows you to loan things from. *Specially to those who just help themselves. You may think its no big deal but do you even know how many of you all keep borrowing from me???I brought NEW tapes for myself to use, and by the time every one of you borrow, I am left with very little. What the heck?!! Its like I am throwing money to you guys. Dudes. You pigs, don't be so lazy as to not even bring the needed stuff.

Please tell me what the freak is that extra spaces in your bag for which you only put in your wallet and phone? And HELLO, you are a human, so it a CLEAR fact you need to eat food and drink so bring your own dang BOTTLE. Don't give me crap like you only drink little because by the time you finish, I always need to go to the water cooler to refill again. The freak??? Ask you refill for me, say ok, end up never do anything. Whoa. So nice.

I should give all of you an A**. And freak?! Just cause you like to do last minute work and I like to be prepared does not mean I am very serious. I hate rushing work, I hate the feeling and pressure of not even knowing if I can even finish within that limited time. I don't care if you a freaking A* for it. Your style isn't my style, ok! Irresponsible people.

I am freaking sick and tired of you guys.

I am tired. I am tired of wondering who to trust. or guessing if you habour ill intentions to me. I am tired of all this guessing games and games....

Time, is never enough

Human are the only ones that measure time. Do you see the animals doing it? they just know from how the sun and moon move across the day.

Humans are the only ones doing it. And everyone is forever wishing for more time. There is never enough for  them. :/

Not enough for sleep. Not enough to eat. Not enough for play. Not enough to even breathe.

I feel sad. 24 hours. Its so much time. Yet not enough for all the important things that we really need to think.

Think
When was the last time you went out with your friends or how often do you hang out?
When was the last time you ate as a family without someone using their phone or talking about work?
When was the last time you actually have no care in the world?
When was the last night you had a proper 7 hours of sleep or your proper 3 meals?
Have you been taking care of your health? Or do you think work is more important than that?
Have you been exercising?
When was the last time you felt happy?
When was the last time you made someone's day or help a stranger in need?
When was the last time you have been passing time with something else other than your laptop or phone?

I know I haven't been managing my time well. And when I looked at all these question, I even feel guilty about some. Looking at me now, forever feeling tired or stress. I never really thought about the life I want. Thinking about the future scares me. Even now, in the present, I could only take one step at a time. Just gotta keep trying!!!! Jia you, me! Jia you, everyone :)

Things about my school life....

Ever since I entered poly....what can I say?

Well..One thing for sure is that I have changed. Even if it is not that drastic.

It anything, I think I became more emo ;( So xian!!!! I hate that kind of heavy feeling that keeps becoming dead weight that drag my footing.

I become less trusting. I dislike like it A LOT. With my nature, I find it hard to trust in people already, thanks for totally ruling out every single classmate except for 1 or 2? I didn't really hear of anyone getting backstab but there can be a little drama every now and then.

Heck. I was part of it last year- had to learn the hard way that "lines exist for a reason- to protect yourself. I should have believe in myself but when you have to keep putting up walls..it becomes very tiring. Like you need to keep doing back up plan just in case someone try to do something bad to you.

Just yesterday, I walked into my group mates gossiping about me- most likely talking bad. Lets face it- they are talking bad about me. I wasn't surprised- only surprised that I didn't encounter this kind of things sooner. I mean, hey?! No one is a saint. I, myself even do this kind of thing. The whole class does it. If that person just now was absent- they, including me, would be talking bad about the person. So ya. I expected it.

Bad points about me:
I keep complaining. (True, I need to learn to stop that).
I sound whiny. =_= (Sorry that I sound that way but I can't change my voice)
I panic too easily (This one is hard, time management isn't as easy as you think it is)
I am a tad too sensitive at times (Personal reasons- well I am good at acting like I don't care)
I am bossy (I am working on this one alr, changing my tone and all)
I am slow in understanding (I can't change this, ok. I am not a com that can be upgraded. >:P)

I am trying to change. and hopefully become a better person. But when I become tired or moody, I tend to lose control. If work is going to be school life times 2......I wonder how am I going to survive this.

Reality sucks as per normal. "Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power. Innocence once lost, you can't give it back. The best part is you never realised that you have been walking around with a blindfold, thinking you are in a wonderful dream. Till someone rip it off and show you the ugly side of reality.

Still so young and I already feel old. Grown up. Had the world always been like this? Without me knowing? Game of survival. The strongest wins. Gotta keep surviving. Sink or swim. I definitely am not willing to let go now.

Let it go

Its time.

To say goodbye to the past.

Those happy times, even sad ones.

All that is left is bittersweet memories.

Meeting you, I found reason to continue to hope.

Meeting you makes me wonder about fate, what a strange thing.

Farewell. Even if we do meet again, let just smile while we carve out own path.

Do you even hear me?

Why can't you shut up and listen to me talk or wait until I talk finish. 

Always cutting me halfway before finishing my sentence.

Always trying to prove that you are correct despite the fact you are wrong.

You never speak.

Only order, shout, yell, demand and scold.

My voice becomes a whisper, fading into the background.

It becomes very hard to talk to you, so I became the wall.

It becomes tiring to look at you, I stare somewhere else.

It become so suffocating to be struck in this house, so I imagine I am somewhere else.

Being around you, makes me wonder if I am a human.

Had I not known, I could be a doll or machine.

Same face, same expression trying not to betray the fact I actually am human.

Its better to cut out my heart and sew up my mouth when I am around you.

The best is to disappear, fade away into the background

So that I don't have to see what I am in your eyes.

To keep living on

4th day. Still surviving.

If I regret anything.....I might have regret telling you. It must have been uncomfortable. I am sorry. ;( Had I know, I wouldn't have told you. Sorry. It must have been disturbing.






Anyway, I am happy that I am still in this world. Yup. keep going, me! Its hard keeping it from her and all but I decided to just leave it as it is. Whats the point anyway? I wouldn't get what I want. Still trying to find a way to deal with all the anger and hate. I stop bothering trying to disguise it and make myself loving, its the only way that I can deal with it. Normal routine keeps me going. Flashback keep haunting me, I am already trying not to hurt myself. My cheek is already sore from all the scratching. I will survive. I can do this.

I have to. The world wouldn't stop moving just because someone like me disappeared.

Mirror

Don't Hate me. Don't hate you. 
Don't. Please. It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. 

I see the kind girl inside you. I know you think you are super ugly, dark and twisted. 
But have you forgotten?
I am  sorry. I couldn't do it after all. 
You still hate me
I don't.
LIAR. You lied. You broke your promise. You can't do it after all. You hate me. 
........I really want to love you....really.....with all my heart. But....I can't after all.
You are so mean!!! I HATE YOU! 
I really really want to. Its already tough trying to force her to keep on living. I can't do already.
You are hurt.
But you are the one with all the scars, no?
But you are the one with the broken heart. 

*Sad smile. No one dies of a broken heart no matter how much they want to.
You are always the one crying. Why is that when I am the one who bore the pain?
Because it hurts so bad. So much that I want to die. But...I can't.
Idiot. Why do you always let them hurt you? 
Because I am a fool...
Stupid. Really a stupid idiotic fool. But..stay that way.. 
Why are you here?
To protect you, what else? You are like a fragile little chick. 
But you seem much more breakable than me.
So what? You obviously can't handle it alone. You need me as much as I need you.
Promise? You promise to be here forever?
Of course...To leave a fool like you alone, who knows what will happen.

You wouldn't hurt me like the rest,right? You wouldn't hate me, right?
You are the one who hate me! 
Then would you still be with me?
De. Who else will protect you? Even when your whole world falls, trust in me. Believe in me. I will be here. Right here. Always. 
You have to promise to stay with me forever. I need you. 
Of course. Go to sleep. The pain will eventually fade into a memory. Even if it comes back like the rest, you will be able to handle like all the rest. Time will wash everything away. Believe me. Just give it time. Tomorrow will definitely be better than tomorrow. 
Promise?
Promised.Now go to sleep. I will protect you. Close you eyes and sleep.
Good night......

Scream and RUN far far away

Can someone tell me when my holiday is coming????

Honestly?!! This is like working already, hardly any holiday except one day of the week. Portfolio. Portfolio. PORTFOLIO.

Great. Just GREAT. =_= I haven't even contacted any companies or look through the list. Great. =_=... Resume. Cover letters. I know I can kiss the holidays goodbye but hello?! Can this not be just like another school day. Tomorrow I am meeting with my lecturer-in-charge....gosh...She is known to be strict even though she is nice. I am bad with strict lecturers, I always feel like I have to walk on egg shells around them. I become very scared and jumpy around them. I am seriously trying to quit this weird habit but dang...can't help it. Truthfully, they have a very sharp tongue, too straightforward and their presence is overwhelming. 

I kinda finished my portfolio, still thinking about what to write for the "About" page and changing my "Home" Page..... I mean, the overall look is nice. But I feel frustrated with it. Maybe because the template is rather fixed and there aren't many style or designs I can do with it. Dang it. Feel like tearing everything down and redo again with something else. But that is not possible, I got to show her tomorrow. Hopefully she likes the style. But the more important should be that my future employee likes it. 

Anyway having mood swing now, I am feeling emotional now. Don't ask me why. Its my inferiority complex at work again- my mind is forever degrading me. Dang it. I am trying to change it into a positive voice...I am worth this. Hello?!!! I mean from only knowing how to sew buttons, I can sew up a whole dress, even threading the machines! I really should be more confident of myself. :P I CAN DO THIS, I AM AWESOME, SMART, CAPABLE and RELIABLE. Hear me??? So SHUT UP, you stupid demeaning inner voice. In fact, go to a volume lower than mute, you degrading thing.

Better than a Doll

You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile.

If these walls could talk, they would have so much to tell.

There's only HATE, There's only TEARS, There's only PAIN, THERE IS NO LOVE HERE. So what will you do?

I think I am rather good with my acting skills.

Or more like blending skills. Being part of the scenery or becoming a wall. Maybe the most accurate description would be a lifeless doll.

Ending of last year till now is getting worse and worse by the minute, ever since she got promoted. The moment she comes home, everyone is on egg shells. Nothing is right. The rules of the game changes all the time, its crazy. She would go all her way just to find trouble for you, literally running her finger at every spot, asking you why is there still a speck of dust here. 

Scolding and yelling the moment she lay her eyes on us, saying that the sight of both of us are detestable and irritating. Interesting. This becoming like a plot in the storybook, except the funny thing is that it is happening to me. :) I don't know what to feel. I was so good at pretending that I can't feel anything, maybe I have been too good. I really can't feel anything now. Like a doll. 

We have become a pest in her eyes now, she keep going on and on about why did she even give birth. She regretted about giving birth because it only brought her pain and trouble. I don't know, do I have a face? How come I can stay so expressionless being told that by the person who give birth to me. Why didn't I scream and yelled "I didn't ASK FOR ANY OF THIS CRAP!! For goodness sake! Stop blaming in on me!" No. I couldn't do anything. 

Cause even if she regretted it. I didn't. I am happy to be born here, even if I meant nothing to her. I am happy to be here. Sorry. I can't die just because she regretted it. I wanted to in the past but too bad, now I got many reasons to live for. Life wasn't just limited to this house like the past, I got friends now. I got my classmates and still get a brother that I want to protect. So I am sorry. I wouldn't just end my life just because you regret. Its too late.

Sometimes, I really wished I was stronger. That I wasn't such a whim. Sometimes, I wished I could be like my other friends. They really love their parents a lot and they are also having problems like me but they seem so such stronger and a so much better person than me. Their heart may be badly hurt and bleeding but its still filled with so much love. Mine? Hahaha....:) You wouldn't want to know. 

I really have become such a disgusting, ugly and twisted person inside. 

There is only LIES, there is only FEAR,there's only PAIN, there's NO LOVE HERE. So what would you do?  

-"No Love" by Simple Plan

Holiday-Computer course

Ok, I admit it....I am scared.

Even in this Virtual Course, I seem to be the last and slowest to catch up with everything. =_+
My computer keep playing with me. Low battery. Program shutting down without advanced notice. Something messed up somewhere. Yesterday, during a TEST, I spent the 1st hour redoing and redoing and redoing cause the damn computer keep shutting down. then the next half hour, the computer threaten to die on me. Finally, I have to rush the whole thing within the last half an hour. =_+

Honestly, everyone is like a 100 steps before me. No matter how much I scream and shout for everyone to wait for me. It can't reach them. Most importantly, I can't reach them. I really tried. Gritting my teeth and forcing myself not to cry, trying to brave through it all. But its hard. I really feel like giving up at times, but I wouldn't.

I am going to get rid of this bad habit of mine. Never give up till the thing is completed. I have every responsibility and pride to ensure each piece is done to the best of my abilities. I really need to work on it. Its going to be my final year, I don't have a choice.

Scared for my GPA results that is coming out next week. *Don't dare to open it. Gosh. What was I thinking while signing up for OSIP??!!!! Was I insane?? Like what AL said, think of it as an opportunity. True. I should stop putting myself down! ><

Got 2 more test tomorrow and 1 task left. Still got a lot of things to do my design. Major problem now: Portfolio. Only upload all the necessary works and photos. Urg....By this Sunday, need to finish. PANIC!!!!!

Going to sleep. Woke up late today. Don't need another experience like today. Not that I care much for this stupid course. It is useful but it is super BORING and DRY. Especially when you are staring at the computer for long hours. ;/  Nites

Quick Sand

I am not doing my work again. At least Assignment 1 is over.
But I only have 9 pages alone....another pair have 45 pages...
I doubt combined with my partner, we can even get such a huge amt. Oh wells.
Haven't touch my other subject * Death...

Anyway, I just find it interesting that I hardly post any happy stuff here even though this blog is like for the public.

Living a life. I doubt many people have led that.
I do think that work is necessary. But its a bit crazy on the work part.
Like we don't have enough air to breathe

Everyone have different kind of problems.
But I don't think we should compared whose worse off.
Sometimes the gap is obvious, sometimes its isn't
But whatever it is, the only thing everyone know is
the pain in your heart would never stop hurting

The worst part is you keep thinking and brooding over this problem to no end
because it just doesn't have a answer.
You can only think of how to make the situation better but not go away

It is not like a maths problem (not that I am good at it), where 1+1= 2
Human hearts is ever changing and hardest to understand
Its so frustrating like watching the movie where lovers keep misunderstanding
and hurting each other unknowingly

It like being stuck in a web.
The more you struggled, the more tangled you get
So at the end, you just walk around with the web.
Your heart bound with the web, that slowly keep cutting into your heart.

Mama

I watched this movie which received very good ratings. "Mama"

It is a good film. But I was so angry.

Should a innocent child bear the sins of their parents?
They did nothing wrong. I do understand my classmate's point of view though.

Killing the child so that the child doesn't have to feel unwanted or left alone to carry the weight of the world. Yes, maybe its easier that way. The child wouldn't have to suffer. Especially after the parents commit suicide. Its also a sign of their love for the child.

I also understand that I am in no position or in any right to say anything since I have never been a mother before.

The child. This pitiful and sad child. If you really have her best interest in heart.
Why not live for her instead? I know its hard. Especially when you have given up all hope.
When your whole body already shattered due to reality, and you can't get up anymore.

But why not? For the child's sake. I am sure she needs you as much as you need her.
If you have the strength to kill her, surely you would have to strength to continue to live and to fight for her!
You may have feel that you failed miserably, in life, as a husband/wife or in everything, but what about the child? You are her whole world. She haven't had the chance to live yet and to love yet.

If you truly love her and have her best interest at heart, live for her.

I just feel damn sad. Children are so innocent. So sweet.
Don't. Just don't. Don't leave them. Don't kill them.

Live for them instead. Please. They need you as much as you need them.

Its weird.

You want something to happen. Anything.
But all you get is a still quiet day. Where time seem to have stop.
Passing like as if you are just a spectator.
Like as if you are observing someone else living their life.

Like how one day, you wake up, realising that you might die one day.
Taking living for granted, each breath and each heart beat.
It feels so surreal.

Like I am struck in someone's else body, seeing her vision of things.
Almost as if I am able to cast off this shell, flow and be free....

I wonder what true freedom means.
I wonder what heaven is like.
Who am I exactly?
Why doesn't anything seem to have a definite answer?

Is this life and what reality is suppose to mean?
All this suffering and pain, love and hate. All the emotion mixed together.

Time passing so fast every second, slipping through your mind and emotions.
Washing away everything. Like as if it happen a long time ago.

What is a long time? How long must it be?
What is a short time? Few seconds?

Taking a breather

Over here, at home, using com, definitely NOT doing my work.
Not exactly enjoying life, kind of slacking.
Waiting for too much time to slip then panic.
Start work maybe for an hour than go sleep?

Gosh...What a work habit.
Not my fault! My body just...went into the holiday mode. ;P
Feel bad for my partner. Honestly,
normally, I would't be this bad.
I would take my work seriously

Guess its too much and everyone having a limit.
But somehow my "break" isn't helping me
What to do?
Seriously, if only I could type out info for my research as fast as typing out my blog.

All those cross referencing. All those sources...
So tiring... =_=.....
The rushing of time, the never ending workload,
accompanied my overwhelming stress and crashing pressure

Maybe I am just too tired to care.
Whatever.
Lets hope I start work soon.
I pray.

Procrastinating

I think its sad.

For people who want to love yet not knowing how so they force their way through.
For people who want to love yet not knowing how that it never gets convey.

For people who love yet they can't, happiness forever out of their reach
For people who love yet they won't, keeping love at bay.

For people who do not how to love, empty like a hollow day.
For people hurt by love, wishing they could die from a broken heart.

Love? What is it?
That it could make kingdoms rise and fall.
That could create unbelievable miracles.
That could make you feel like being on cloud nine then falling hard on the cold ground.
That makes reality like a dream.
That changes you in and out.
How did it start? Where did it go?
What is it?

What is the difference between "Like", "Love" and "Lust"?

Its simple. Yet utterly confusing.

Sab

We been friends since Primary Two. An unlikely friendship based on a another friendship.

But Thank you. for always trying to boost my self esteem.
Randomly sticking smiley stickers on me
Smiling so happy and all the hugs :)

Anyways,

Happy Birthday, My friend~
You are such a blessing~
Such a joy to my life~
May the good lord bless you~
And may all your dreams come true. :)

Thank for everything ^^

I pray that the journey of your dreams will be fulfilling and that you will found happiness :)

The sky is so blue, so endless, so limitless, so full yet so vast and empty~ May your balloons be your wings and help achieve your dreams